confused hate/love

i hate him. he has ruined my life since i first led eyes on him. he doenst give a fuck about me. what i think is that he just has to love me unconditionally. i bet that if he had tha chance to get rid of me, he would.

he doesnt no how to deal w/ me. i hate his guts. in every single one of my journal entrys, i have atleast one “I HATE HIS GUTs” or sum shyt like that.

November 9 *this is my most recent journal enty.. it gets rid of my anger*
i hate my life. no1 can understand… they just dont know how bad i have it. they all think i have tha best life. I DONT! “they look at me and say grl u’ve been blessed… but they dont c inside of all this unhappieness” thats how i feel! all b/c i always have money, i can stay out l8r then most of my friends, and i usually get what i want, they all think i have it great. i dont! i just hate this fuckin world. few things can save me frum it he doesnt want me to have friends. my brother is just an ass. he takes his side EVERY SINGE FUCKIN TIME, EVEN WHEN I AM FUCKIN RITE! i used to always get a’s on my report card, now that my brother actually got an a on his r.c, he is all like “great job *stan*, i knew u could do it. i had faith in u” and all this other shyt… what the fuck did he say to me??? “oh i c u got a b in algebra… i thought u were better then that!” FUCK U U AsS HOLE! when i actually do d sumthing round the house like klean this hell hole or sum shyt like that, no1 ever fuckin notices…. and usually i go out to a party or w/e after i klean… *stans* fat ass will just make the house a messagain and then when he does get home, *stan* is kleaining and he thinks *stan* did all the work…FUCK THEM BOTH! i give up, i cant take this shyt ne more. i cant stop crying. i just h8 my lyfe at this point i seriously just eaither wanna kill myself or run away… i have gottn to that point of ending it so many times but once i begin to grab the nife or make the nuse, i have them good tymes w/ my DOG, i just stop rite there. no1 can understan how i feel. im sick of all this shyt i have to deal w/. no1 wants me to b happy. i have to stress out about everything. rite now, im at this point where the only things that i am able to talk to are my dog and this journal. But soon, i will only b able to talk to this journal b/c guess what… the asshole wants to make my life even more miserable b/c he wants to get rid of Schnookums… my dog… she is also one of the things that have ket me here!. l8ly, i have been shaking more and more. its gottn so bad that i have 2 sit there for 5 min and just clear my head and talk about my life to my dog or take all this pain and misery out on the punching bag or the fuckin wall… i didnt tnk i had enough strength to put a hole in a door or even a wall at that, last nite i was so mad i put a hold in my door and i put a crack in my wall…i wanna talk to my friends about how i feel about this stuff but im afraid they are gunna tell sum1 about what is happening in my life or like most people, they just wont give a flying fuck about this. l8tly i have grown father and father frum *rachel* *my best friend*. she is like my sister, she is one of the two things i would die 4 we are just growing apart and idk what to do. i would tell her this stuff but it hasnt been me n her, its been her n halla and she is one of they other few things keeping me here well atleast she was helping me but idk ne more. if i do do sumthing jurrasic, i cant tell ne one, i dont want them to stop me. i cant let NE1 GET IN MY WAY.. I NEED TO RESTART THIS HELLISH LIFE. i also dont wana talk to my friends cuz i kno they are gunna say sum shyt like “oh u think u have it bad… i have to b home by 10, u can stay out till 12″ or ” i used to slit my writs” when guess what NUN OF MY FUCKIN FRIENDS EVER CAME CLOSE DO DOING NE OF THIS SHYT LIKE I HAVE!!!!i have cried so much in the past 5 min, the sleeves of my sweater are DRENCHED in my tears of saddness n hate. ive found it harder n harder to smile i feel no1 wants me&that is just making my life worse. have to go, i need to stop crying sumhow…i think there are only two ways… ending it sumhow or stop writing… i think imma take the harder way out and stop riting… i need time to think about they eaisier way out….

sry 4 making ur life so miserable *julia*

*= not the real names….

he makes me put this shyt in my journal every single time i rite…. even on 9-11, i instead or riting about what happened, i put ” i wish my he was on that plane, i wish he woulda died… if i could go back 1 wk, i would have bought him a plane ticket and let him fly on that fuckin plane and let him die and that would make my like way better” i hate himmm i am cunfused with this hate though…. i tell him i hate him all tha time but when he tells me that he loves me, i just have to take him back… even tho tha last time he told me he loved me was like about 3 yrs ago, i still end up loving him in some way…. its probably ony when he gets me sumthing that i want…. i dont kno what to do ne more.. is this love i have for him unconditionally? i dont kno ne more….i just dont kno what i can do about him…my DAD!


  1. you say a lot, but you don’t exactly say why you’re mad at him. no one can give you any advice if no one knows what the problems is, although i maybe/might have a clue.

    by the way don’t listen to the above. he never says anything new or creative.

  2. Fuck that was a huge entry!

    I think jewsuckingmaniak is a poof!
    Dont listen to him ( He’s my cheap ass that I fuck for $3.50!), he has no friend’s, but like you, he also has a thing for guy’s…

  3. Please dont take the easy way out.

    I too, am considering suicide, but am becoming more aware of who will be hurt when I leave.

  4. u know, that was actually a good post, believe it or not, im not gonna make fun of it, i have to say though, ygydabearndzheld is a pretty gay name, but the post was good, because i used to have the same problems in my life, until i ran away, people say u should run from ur problems, but i did, and im happier now, u should think about running away to a really good friends house, a place to start a new life at, i di, and it worked form me. If u do kill yuorself though, just think of it this way,…que dream sequence *your funeral, family, friends, gathered around your closed casket, they cant have it open because of all the drama it would cause your dad see the bullet hole in youe head, ur dads crying telling everyone how much he misses you and how he had so many things he never got to tell you, and how he never got to spend enough time with you, and your brother, misses you, wishing that ur dad would have gave u more respect, and ur friends, all gathered around, speechless, they cant say anything because they never though it would come toh this* END DREAM sequence,
    is that the way u want it to end?
    ur dad does care about you, he just doesnt know how to express it, we really does want the best for you, and your friends try and be nice to you and so that u dont have problems in a hope that u will get over ur problems, everyone does want the nest for you, they just dont know how to express it in the right way, so think about your life, think about when u meet the right guy for you, dont kill yourself, give yourslef a second chance, talk to your dad about it, talk to your friends about it, theyll understand, believe me…
    WOAH, i didnt think i had that in me, i didnt think i could be that nice, KEWL.

  5. well all my “friends” call me yogy da bear so thats y i made it like that.. but thatnk u all for all ur advice…

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