confusion to carnage in a breath

I feel like the whole world watches and stares, yet in the same breath I have the unfading feeling of invisibility. Having opposite emotions helps me, because when I’m definite on something I act, so this indecision holds me in a dazed limbo.

I feel like the whole world watches and stares, yet in the same breath I have the unfading feeling of invisibility. Having opposite emotions helps me, because when I’m definite on something I act, so this indecision holds me in a dazed limbo. I feel like the world wants to point their eyes at me to belittle me, but never to see what is infront of them. Music is the supreme outlet, but I can’t assemble a tight enough band, so its hard, lifes hard, but it makes the easy times seem so much better, everything I say inside my head is doubled with a pathetic contradiction, trying to cause a swell of contempt, but its sunk below black, below ground level, a deep apathy, human instinct is not serving me justice, I am failing my self. Schizophrenia doesn’t work so well when the other valence can’t agree with me. No hostillity, just a feeling of constent un dying confusion. If the world was a smoker, I would have been the bright light at the tip of the cigarette, but then the world ashed me onto the ground, to fade from a bright flame to a dull glow, I should be dead, but I refused to burn out and die, I set alight the surrounding folliage, I new smell of smoke for the world, burning down field after field after street after street, I am begining to spread my wings and if you don’t open your eyes…

I am carnage, the product of a ignorant and unkind world, I will play fair but furious…

…and I won’t be ashed out again, if you don’t open your eyes, I just might open fire.

By thicktears

Very lost at the moment, get back to me in 6 months.


  1. this is great, i really like that you wont give up and here is a question for anyone who sees this. does commiting suicide make you stronger because you have the “courage” to do it, or does it make you weak beacause you cant hack real life?

  2. thankyou,

    and an angle on your question, I believe the line between strength and weakness, has alot to do with the people around you, if you have a world of people who care and encourage, and you cop out on self-pity and kill yourself, you are weak. If you have only yourself to interact with (sic) and impress, and life is unbearable and painfull, and you are daring to explore the possibility of another realm, a better life, then to dare is still always a strength. Just and opinion.

  3. bitchin analogy …i feel smart using that word ..woo! … my opinion suicide is the same as murder..because its not your life to take…its neither a strength or a weakness but a misunderstood conception of how the world is and perceives you to be……. a blindness to love, a love thats shadowed by hate and pain.. Thats my opinion~

    ~*See things not as they seem but as they are*~

  4. i dont understand you, why is it not our lives to take? I dont understand are we blind to the love around us, and that makes us suicidal or, not “us” because your clearly not but “some” suicidal i should say. My friend killed himself and i dont know why, he didnt leave a message or a letter or anything he just od’ed and that was it but before he died he asked me that question and i have been wondering ever since. I agree that if you do it just out of self pity your weak, but if you are alone and “unloved” and want to explore something “better” then i agree with thicktears. He wasnt afraid of death and he didnt believe in god or a supreme being which is a bunch of bullshit cause everyone has too many doubts to have complete faith in nothing.

  5. Scarlet Mind Angel,

    I agree with nelokrista, to an extent. As long as I havent promised my love, efforts, support, guidance, friendship or anything to another or many other humans, then my life is mine to take. Scarlet, your friend commited murder because he let you depend on his friendship, then killed your friend (himself obviously) so in your case he could be called if you wanted to, “a murderer”, but this theory has many extenuating circumstances (if thats how you spell it). Life is not black and white, as is suicide not wrong or okay. Every situation has a new discussion and outcome, and morals of the individuals affected will also majorly affect a personal opinion. Perhaps Yaro IS is entiltled to erase themselves as they are not-commited to anyone on any emotional level.

  6. I am a little lost, are you saying, thicktears, that as long as we have no impact on peoples lives, or have no emotional impact directly we are free to take our lives or live as we please?

  7. Yeah, thats what I said, but its only an opinion of mine, I’m not saying that I’m right, but thats what I believe.

  8. That cool I was just making sure that I understood you. I like your opinion, though it makes perfect sense to me.

  9. I just want to know how anyone could possibly say there isn’t a higher being, cause um, news flash, there is. No, suicide isn’t right. You came from somewhere, farther back than this world and the dinosaurs, and even if you don’t believe in a higher being, it sure as hell wouldn’t sit right in the after life either way now would it? Especially if you all of a sudden find a way to help yourself instead of wallowing in self-pity. It’s that higher being’s decision, because they made you. You are their children. Thats my piece on suicide.

    :.The Melting Pot.:

  10. Yes, thats true and you look on things from a sprititual perspective but i take it more in a scientific angle. As for the higher being i am really in doubt about that and i really hate the thought of me wallowing in self pity but i wont lie because i do.

  11. This thread ended a long time ago but I had to comment on the question posed of suicide.

    Suicide makes you dead. The person who does it, just didn’t want to live. The person who doesn’t do it, does want to live. I don’t see any way a dead person can be strong or weak.

  12. Maybe i’m off a bit, but I think we should have the individual right to end our own life as we see fit. (not that a law or morality will stop you) it’s our own body, but I think the decision should be made clear headed. (with the abilitie to sort things out, not just on an angry whim) Nobody has the right to anothers though, unless you are psychotic- then you have an excuse i suppose. Really, who are we to impose our lack emotoinal welfare on others, unless they caused it. and i mean that they seriously are the root of your problem….too much blame goes into these sorts of decisions- we are to be held acountable ultimatly for our own lives…But I really do like the concept here.

  13. Hi Thicktears,
    I find it great that you can express like you do. I hope that you find answers that help soon. It is so interesting to hear that what drives you in your music is your pain and suffering and battling. I am finding that there are so many people out there like you who feel. I only tend to meet people who hide their feelings. Please realise that there are many like you. I just hope to meet someone as honest and open as you one day.
    Good luck.

  14. that was realy interesting i like’d it you have a talent for expresing your feelings in a difrent way keep it up and good luck i hope to see more of you’r poems and ect.

  15. thanks to the last two comments, much appreciated, my eyes hurt.

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