You’re making my life a living hell. Ripping apart my heart and taking control of my life. Why the hell can’t you leave me alone? I am in a prison with no bars or chains…your rules and complications substitute these. Being free is just too much….you can’t live without your ultimate fucked up control.
I can’t go on living…not like this…I don’t know what to do, or what direction to turn. As I struggle harder your grip becomes stronger…I can’t ever get away. I’ve been crying for so long, I can’t remember how to smile and your callousness takes my cover away.
Not that you would care…what is it truly to you. I’ve lost trust in you and you’ve lost trust in me. Why? What have I fuckin done; nothing as far as I can tell. But maybe your eyes are deceived by what you wish to see. You want to see me die inside, listless and blank…is that what you want? It is just too hard for you, you fuckin bitch, to see that you really are pushing me farther and farther away? Did you expect to make me come closer? Fuck that…now I’m running with no where to go…you have destroyed my refuges, forcing me to give up and die.
I need to kill; you have built up and unleashed the sickness in me. Kill myself…that’s the only answer…my hope has finally died…my cries for help have not been answered, no one replies. I’m screaming now, something is burning my skin…but wait, that is your tormenting that everyone else is blind to see. What the hell am I going to do now? I can’t live my life hidden away as you want me to be.
I need the answers. I need to truly live, not with the restrictions that you have made. Why don’t you take everything away? It seems you have already taken anything conceivable away that would make me choose to live. I hope your heart is broken, I hope that you can see, how this life is now meaningless, and I hate you for what you have done to me. Maybe you will understand how you crippled me when teaching me to walk. You beginning my life was the worst thing in the world, for you gave me a heart filled with hatred, hurt and fear.
Now the blood is rushing, from my wrists onto the floor, staining the carpet red with blood, the blood spilled by you. I’m feeling kind of faint…but…fuck…now I see your face, and you rush me to safety…damn…now I cant even die how I like. Controlled…utterly and completely by you.
You swear that things will change, although I see through your lies which I want so to believe. I know by this taste in my mouth, I wont be able to carry these burdens, or hide this damage inside…my eyes begin to blur…tears hitting the floor…fuck…tears just aren’t enough for you…you need my words to explain even more.
You force me to talk…finally realizing I’m too cold and distant to be touched or moved inside. Now I’m stuck, immobilized, completely cut inside. These wounds are slowly healing; only for the scabs to peal away…revealing permanent scars…never will true healing come. I have violated myself now and nothing will ever be the same…I’m left with a life that is shattered…I’m stumbling, exploring true darkness…I thought I had experienced before.
I’ve fallen too far to reach the surface, to crawl out of my tomb. I’m a silent, still body…too lost within. No expressions pass over my face and the monotony of the days has driven me to the extreme. I walk as a zombie, yet now no one stands in my way…people almost fear me…acting as if I don’t exist. I don’t know how I’m living. What does each day hold? There is no joy….no love…amounting to no trace of a life. Maybe if I had been able to talk to the only one I love…I would’ve chosen differently…but you also closed the door of love in my heart; deceiving me and making me believe I wasn’t truly cared about. How could you find the strength to abuse me like this? I pity you, despite what you have done; you can’t be happy treating me as you do. My only friend in this cold and lonely world, you took away from me…fuck freedom…I’ve come to understand it really doesn’t exist. Why is it proclaimed something that we have? Oops…there goes another lie. What is new of this? It must be nature of man…for it destroys so much. Truth is renewal, renewal of the heart…but that would just be too easy.
I’m stuck here for eternity…living a life filled with lies, deceit and pain. A threat I do not pose, although I’m considered explosive because I am pieces of you. I reflect your treatment, mistakes and life. Do my differenced make you feel sick? Was my being born a sin? I can’t read your mind and have no answers. I used to feed upon pleasing you…but as your addiction to this grew…you killed the nourishment which it gave to me.
I miss being able to feel…the numbness has grown too much to stand…I need to find true love. I used to believe that you were showing me true love…yet it was a mask of deceit to disguise your selfish plans. I know I will find love…someone who loves me for me…my spirit…with wings to damaged to fly on my own, will be made whole. When my heart is released again, easing my frozen muscles with trust…I will be free to dance again…dream again, and give my love to another. It may take eternity, but when I have found true love, I know I will never die in vain.
Where does this leave me? I’m still so confused…but I am beginning to feel again, the butterflies dancing inside. My heart is awakening…the darkness is being saturated by light. A flower I can now see growing inside. Life is beginning again and I forgot how much I was loved…someone was always there for me…I was created in the image of the light and also have the potential to fully rekindle the light within. I have found true love…so great it posses my life…it is everything I live for…what fills my every thought. Five minutes in too long to be alone, leaving me vulnerable to the cold world surrounding this ebbing life of love.
I do believe I have found the light within…the love for myself and gift to give my love. This is love…I know by what I feel…despite what you have taught me, I know that this is right…leaving me a perfect place to finally take refuge from the storm of my life and rest. I have honesty, truth and love and am taking my first steps in true expression of the heart…I’m recapturing my soul. To live all my life as if it were to end at any moment…is my only choice. I will embrace each day with strength, love and a free spirit….I will live with no regrets.