crying in the dark

Isn’t it ironic how life can change in a heart beat? One moment you’re up on cloud nine, and in the next you’re soul shatters into coulntless shards. You sit there and stare at the one you thought loved you, as they calmly walk away, wondering if you can ever put yourself back together.

Today is Saturday, September 21rst. This time last week I was sitting at the foot of my beloved’s bed, talking about the next apartment we should look at. And discussing his friend who’d been calling every night for the last two weeks.

He hadn’t heard from her in over a year, and until she started calling I hadn’t known she even existed. Apperantly, she’d just gotten out of a bad relationship, and needed a good friend to talk to. He kept telling me not to worry and telling me everything they talked about, so I wouldn’t.

He forgot to metition that they’ve been friends for over a decade, and have been in love with each other almost the whole time. Being a nice, considerite girlfriend, and underinformed, I aggreed to not call Sunday morning, so they could finish catching up.

When I went over Sunday night…I knew. He couldn’t even look me in the eyes….and he looked as if someone was ripping his heart out. He said that even though he loved me very much, 9 and 1/2 months together didn’t compare with a life time of wondering. Every time that one of them tryed to make a move in the past there was something in their way.

Lucky me…I get to be the only obstiacal this time. Well, I was, that is. He asked if he could put the “romantic part” of our relationship on hold in case something happend while she is in town…he didn’t want to end up hurting me or cheating on me or anything like that.

I can’t beliieve that I didn’t go completely nuts…just said we both know it’s over, why try to fool me…busted into tears, and provided his cover story. He doesn’t want to tell anyone else until he knows. So I told him to tell the truth…I’m not feeling well, and am scheduled for surgery next month and wont be over for a while. So it’s not all of the story, but none of it is lies.

Why am I trying to be friends with him still, why cant i hate him….why did he have to thank me for not kicking him in the nuts? It would be so much easier if I could hate him, or cuss him out, or hit him with a mack truck, but I can tell how much it hurt him to say goodbye.

Why can’t i not start to cry when the lights go out and i’m alone? ANd why the hell have I spent 1 and 1/2 to 2 and 1/2 hours on the phone with him every night….this last phone call he was crying, too. I know it can’t be fixed, I know I need to get past it, but I can’t stop torturing myself with the what if’s and why me’s.

someone shoot me, It would hurt less.


By Nevarsong

trying very hard not to die of boredom..what with being unable to do half of my favorite things right now. Still haven't quite recoverd from my surgery. Wont even let me work very much right now, they seem to think that they'll break me. I'm not all that fragile you know.