Current State Of Mind

“All this fucking white.” I mumble, but she didn’t respond. The painful gleam of the spotless linoleum grates against my nerves. I’m elevated on the counter top, eyes settled downward. “No, Im not high.” My stomach turns as I glance at the granny-smith apples to my right. Just the suggestion of food nauseates me.”Let me tell you what ails me, other than thinking I’m a total fucking wackjob.” My tone comes out a bit too belligerent.” God, I wish I was heavily medicated. Don’t frown disapprovingly, like you don’t feel the same. You know you want to be strung out on the god-forsaken floor.Convulsing and swallowing your tongue.” I know what she is thinking, so I change the subject. ” You remember that Sadie girl in second period? Yeah, she wrote a story on me. It was just like the rest. It is the same misdirected, ignorant, perception I get from everyone else.” I know it’s hard for her to understand. She is the good daughter and I’m not. So I ignore her look of distraught confusion and I continue. “I haven’t told anybody but Marie slept with Christopher. No, I’m not kidding. Well, in high school, everyone is a potential enemy. She WAS my best friend…” I glance in awe at the cold metal object in my hand.You would assume that I would be trembling or crying. I’m not though, I am the poster child for serenity.” Oh yeah, I’m definitely pregnant.No, mom and dad don’t know. Keep the baby? Apparently not. Ha, all the tragedy on this teen dreams shoulders.” I laugh at the insanity escaping my lips and I am comforted by the sound of her chuckles. It didn’t last very long. “I walk down the hall everyday and act like I dont hear them hissing ‘ preppy bitch’. Im not what they think.” My voice cracks.I refuse to cry. “Yesterday I crouched in the girl’s bathroom and lashed out at myself. I know you can see the marks. Dad left the keys to the cabinet on the table. Like a sign from God or something. Don’t sneer at that, it is true. Can you see mother’s face when she finds her dainty little kitchen a mess.’Oh heavens, Claire. What have you done?’ I shouldn’t mock her. But I wish I could see it.” My eyes burn. The tears are visible in her eyes too. “I’m going to miss you. Yeah, I am leaving. I just can’t live like this anymore. What would people say…. . I love you too, sissy. ” Images of us growing up flash through my mind. Akwardly I position the firearm at my temple. Breathe.

Seconds later, Claire’s parents rush downstairs. Her mother’s screams were peircing and repetative.”My baby girl. My only little girl. God, why my little girl?”

By shameinyou

me. Im young, but not too ignorant. if you want to know what I really am, what Im really like.... you'll have to ask me.