Dear Ash,
I want you to know that I miss you, more than I can say. I remember the way you looked at me, I remember what you wore that day, I remember what you said. I remember the way my skin prickled when you touch my hand, the warmth that spread every time we touched.
I remember the day we met. It was freezing out, and the harsh winter light made your eyes shine, and your skin glow so pale. I was only walking to my friend’s house, a walk through the park, under the bare trees and past the frozen over pond. From the moment I saw you from the other end of the park I couldn’t look away. Everything about you captivated me, I couldn’t even explain how I felt. I didn’t even know you. After all that’s been said and done, I wonder if I ever knew you at all.
We shared everything together, the world was ours. Everytime I closed my eyes I saw your face. I could see your eyes, shining misty grey, so beautiful, so full of contempt, yet when you looked at me all I saw reflected back was love. We were so complete Ash, why did you have to…?
I look down, and everything is red now. It’s slowly turning black. My vision is blurred, yet all I can see is you. There’s blood on my hands. Blood on my face, blood in my thoughts, blood flowing from my wrists, warm and dark and crimson. I wonder if these rivers of pain will ever make up for what we had. I always told you I’d kill myself for you Ash. I thought your laughter was out of fondness, but now I realise you were sneering at me. Making fun of me, as you pushed my hair gently out of my eyes and kissed my forehead. All those nights… It was her you were thinking about. Never me. I was never the one for you Ash, was I?
But I was so happily oblivious. I was stupid and naïve. Too innocent for you Ash. There was always something so very dark about you, maybe that’s what attracted me to you in the first place. I was drawn into your mystery, hoping to be a part of your tainted fairytale. A pity I had to be the one to write ‘The End’.
I remember Valentine’s Day. The only one we spent together. Do you remember Ash? Do you remember how I stayed awake all night, painting 100 red roses black for you? When you saw them you laughed. Laughed and kissed me on the forehead.
“Silly girl, you’re no use to me if you’re all tired out now are you?”
I remember the day I woke up. It was freezing cold out. We went for a walk through the park. You were so warm and beautiful that day. I couldn’t believe you were mine. Then I saw her, walking through the park. I suppose you could say she was pretty, ‘breath taking’ as you so generously put it. I remember your face when you first saw her. You were captivated, you couldn’t keep your beautiful eyes off her face. You didn’t even know her. I didn’t give you the chance. I became non-existent to you. You forgot I was even there, standing with my arm around your waist, you walked away and my hand slipped to my side, empty.
I just knew that was the end. So I gave you the end. Do you remember the pond? Do you remember how deep and cold and icy it was? I wonder if you remember my face as I pushed you under the broken ice, you neck catching an icy shard, and your beautiful burgundy blood spilling out across the ice, a farewell tear to your love.
I remember the funeral. The roses on your coffin were faded. Faded black paint chipped from the stark red leaves.
Goodbye Ash.