As I sit here and pen these lines, different emotions race inside my heart. As usual saddness and isolation tie. Most nights, I try to force myself to sleep, even though I know it is unlikely. Memories whirl through my mind, and even with my eyes closed, I see their faces.
I could stop the race easily. I could reach into my dresser drawer and get out the small bottle of pink pills my doctor wants me to take. An hour or eternity later, and I would be happier.
Everything would simplify. I would not break into tears at the sight of a face, the sound of a voice. I could live free from this deepest melancoly, at least until my insurace denies coverage.
I could be at peace with myself. But at what cost comes peace?
If I took the pill, I would lose some part of myself. I know for I have taken them before. I stand by and watch my beliefs be ripped up and dragged through the metaforical mud. I give up my independence, my creative spark. I do as I am told with out question. I stop being me.
So it makes me happier. Without it, I spend most nights curled up in the fetal postion, tears streaming and sleep an eternity away. It doesn’t bother me when I’m awake.
All the pills do is supress a chemical to correct an imbalance in my brain. I’ve been depressed almost 11 years now. I still live an almost average life. The difference is that lifes little upsets don’t seem so little.
I meet a nice man and instantly picture life with him to be perfect. Even as we go on our first date, a small voice whispers “Enjoy it while it lasts, that won’t be long.” When I’ve finaly managed to lose him, I plummet into the abbyss. It can take months for me to climb out and resume life as it was before.
And yet, I hate the idea of taking a pill to control myself. If I forget a dose, I’m worse than before, barely able to leave the house. I forget often.
I haven’t taken them in over a month. It hurts me that my friends and familly like me better when I take them. My dearest friend told me they make me a better person. I hadn’t taken the first one yet.
I am also tired of the whole depression = suicidal thing. That is not true. Yes, the thought has crossed my mind on occasion. Obviously, I have not acted on it. I never will. Maybe that makes me rare, yet I am not the only one that is tired of wellmeant and unneeded concerns.
“What is your point,” some may ask. That is simple enough.
If you see my doctor, don’t tell her I’m off my meds.
~n~
DISCLAIMER: I have to enter a disclaimer here because I have no authority nor merit to give anyone advice, you may choose to accept what I have to say or dismiss it. I always try to give people the option to choose who/what they believe because the only person with the authority on your situation is YOURSELF. But hear out everyone elses opinions please.
you’ve told what is bad in your life, but what is good in your life? Are you forgetting life’s little pleasures, which are sometimes the most humblest of things?
Perhaps you do very well have a chemical imbalance. Perhaps you’ve been told the pink pills help you become ‘a better person’. We don’t like being told that we’re not normal and that we need things to make us this ideal so-called ‘normal’. My friend was born with a problem with her foot, the bone structure. The doctor told her she was ‘abnormal’. Imagine being told that. I have ‘faults’ of my own, that I can not change, which makes me ‘different’ from the standard stock.
This is what I’m thinking you’re thinking: you can’t change something that’s inbuilt, you can’t just pop a pill and make a ‘problem'(I use the term loosly) go away. If it were that simple you would take them. The pills to you are a placebo, but it’s not you that believe they work, its everyone else. There’s also an underlying issue with you..acceptance. Acceptance with other people…other people you hold dear and also with you. Have you accepted yourself? I think you have. I also think you’ve been through/are going through a lot. I think you are strong and I hope you know it.
Life is what you make it.
Would the whole world just go away!
If only for one day
maybe just an hour
or even just for now
See I’m tired here
sick of all this crap
I’m happy with myself
depressed tho I may be
it is what makes me don’t you see
you marvel at my pretty paintings
and wonder about my vile rantings
I do believe your jealous of this spark
and that you would take from trees their bark
in a vain attemp
with all of your vile contemp
to paint me white like those blank walls
or threaten to lock me up within your halls
poke me prod me make me see
tear me apart just please leave me be
Sure the sun is bright
and all the neighbors play
but silent comes the night
and washes day away
if I wanted to join your world
if I wanted to play your game
Tell me again why I must be like you
cause I forget you see
you aren’t like me
for I am the person who
is free from all your dirt and filth
black is simply the absence of color
not the absence of a soul
copyright dec 2000 Lord Shadow
Thank you, that summs it up so much more gracefully than I could.
~n~
Has anyone ever told you how perceptive you are?
As for the good things in life, I am alive and that counts for something, doesn’t it? I have a home, familly and friends, so all things considered, I’m good. And I just hit the 2 month point off those meds and its getting easier to be myself. Out of withdrawl.
~n~
Strange as this may sound. from reading your little peice on the silver lining, and from some of your other posts. I’ve realized just how much like my ex girlfriend you sound, not that I would accuse you of being as dumb as her of course, but strangely you remind me of her. Take that as a compliment I was truly in love with her from the day I laid eyes on her, and vica versa.
Heres a grain of salt to go with it.>.
No two people are alike, whether in personality or apperance.
And, no I shall not take it as a complement. You sound to much like an old friend that is lost to me, and He does think I’m stupid. I love him too.
Maybe both of you, and I as well, need to grow a little more. It couldn’t hurt.
jeez-us It wasn’t meant quite like that. You make it sound as if I just tried some cheesy pickup line on you. I would never assume you or anyone else to be the same person. It really wasn’t the point. The point was once in a while you meet someone, and that person has admirable qualities, afterwards you may meet other people with some of those same qualities. And just maybe you wish to tell someone that they have qualities that they shouldn’t take for granted. Lighten up! … And as for maybe we all need to grow up, well, of course we do there is always room for improvement.
Bite me
no i didn’t think it was a pick up line, and i do apologize………i hadnt slept in about 48 hours and I’m always a bitch when i need sleep.
As for the request to bite you, be careful what you say ….I might bite.
Anyway, now that I’ve caught up on my sleep, I see your point.
once again my apology and regrets.
nevar ~n~
that was beautiful….reminded me of the days when the only thing that got me out of bed every day was the faint hope that perhaps today would be a little better….maybe something would go right….or, if all else failed, at least i was one step closer to freedom.
isn’t it weird how you still write poems,they can be long as hell and you still don’t get to put down all that is in your head? though the poeple that read it and can comprehend and relate. sometimes all you need is someone that understands. so you know that there is a person out there that feels the same way.
well i used to be on meds to, but it just didn’t help me.