As you sit there with you’re powdered faces you do not understand. You pass judgement as your eyes glide over me. And with that moment I am labeled, a pettie label, that condems me.
Fighting back with my anger I glare at you a snicker erupts as you pass your judgement of me to the others. Again you have no say. No part of you matters to me. You do not feel the pain, the undying depression. You think I am silly. Now I speak and you can know
As the night decends upon you what do you feel? Nothing. You see the dark and grow afraid. Yet me I feel the air around me I feel the moons glow on my skin. I hear the crickets. And yet amid all the beauty I wish to weep, weep for the pain I feel, the pain you so willingly give. Cutting me down when I am slightly happy. I let myself slip from that, from careing letting my mind drift away from you away from any thought of you. Enfolding upon itself to daydream and zone out on morid thoughts. Thoughts which scare some but are perfectly normal to others. I care no more of you no more of you’re febel labelings. Because I see and feel more now, understand more than you can ever dream of knowing, you could yes, when you are older and can talk ill no more of others and only then will you understand. You’ll fear then of being alone and tremble at this, you’ll think of dying for your family and friends are dead. Yet I am lucky for I have already gone through this. I realize now I can never truly be alone for I will always have my thoughts and writings to comfort me. Maybe my friends and family are not dead, but you’re dead to me, those who judge before they understand.
When I sit here alone I may look sad and depressed, and most of the time I am, but sometimes I am really not there, I have lost myself in my thooughts, tumbling through their endless meaning. Coming to a conclusion of sorts.
Odd things will pop into my head, a sentence that could most positivetly start a story. And so this ends my little speach and once again I say, this is so nerve racking that this makes no sense to you. (10-16-02)