i am in my study hall period right now in school and I can’t help but wonder why I don’t just walk up and leave right now. I hate school, I never did good in school until just this year. I failed 7th grade and 11th grade. This is my second time in my junior yr and as it nears the end I am beond angry that I still have another yr in this prison to go. I used to be able to skipp whenever I wanted without guilt or worrie.
I used to never worrie or care about anything. Life used to be fun, now out of no where there is all this pressure to hurry up and grow up. Hurry up and make a slave out of yourself for capitalism. Hurry up and kill yourself slowly locking in a classroom in order to move up into a small cube called an office. I don’t want that. I don’t care about getting a good job, I don’t even care about money. I just want to be happy, I want to see things and live to live, not live to get to the top. The top of what, what is so fucking great at the top of the moutain? Do you want to know what people loving so much about it, once they get to the top it is one quick jump to their death and eternal releif. No thanks, I can find better ways to get relief. The only thing that stops me from running away and living how I want to live is my new mother. I have lived with my birth Mother for 17 yrs. It was the typical Amercian home, drugs, abuse, deppression, ewww, even sex. My Ma was a slut and it was so gross and embarressing. She brought home the nastiest guys and she was married. I hated my step-dad, and both him and her told me all the time that there was no point in me going to school because i was bound to fail. I liked it better that way. The abuse and all the shit was unbareable most of the time, but the freeness I felt of no responibliltiy and no concern for things like structure and order was wonderful. Now I have been removed form that and adopted by my Aunt whom I love very dearly. I had to leave behind all my friends and my brother, which for those of you who read my poems I do write a lot about. I left behind the only way of life I knew, and although things are a lot better where I am I miss the chaos and the freedom. I don’t even know what I am saying. I mean at the time I felt so imprisioned, and I was so dominated. But I don’t know how to live this life. My Aunt loves me so much and she wants me to do good in school and have a good future and I respect her so much I want to give her back the same happyness she gives me. I don’t know how to live in her world of goodness when all I have know was the darkness in life, the realness of life. Sometimes I react to things way different than they do , I am different. Like a disease in their perfect home, but they want to make me better. They want to love and care for me, and I want to make them happy. I feel like I left the chains for more chains, but this time I lock and bolt myself. I live in a town where everyone has there happy homes and lives and I don’t feel like anyone understand or is like me. I hate this town I hate this school and I don’t want to talk to anyone, I hate everyone. I count down the hours until school is over everyday and then I go home and sleep. I keep living through each day just to get it over with and I keep telling myself to stick ot out, but for what. I don’t talk to my friends from where I used to live much anymore because they live so far away now and i am just slowly drifting out of the mix. I left behing everything I was and now that I have everything I ever wanted I have nothing. I fing each day more unbarable then the next and I have never felt this way before. I wonder for the first time if death is really as bad as people say it is. I don’t even know what has happened to me, I used to be so strong, I was a surviver. I am so week now, every little thing is more then I can bare. It there ANYONE out there that understands. I don’t care if I never find the answers, I don’t even know the questions. I just need to know that at least someone goes through this too and they are still alive. As long as I know I am not the only one fighting it might not feel so hard. It might not be so bad.