Last night, laying there in bed, I got so mad at myself, just so mad. So unexplainabley mad. Why? I got lost inside of my head again. I realized, that I am so alone. A lot of people keep themselves from killing themselves because they love someone. Or that someone they know loves them enough to stop them.
I don’t. I go through my day, not liking anyone. It drives me insane. I’m a goth/punk person and there’s a small group of kids like me at school, but I don’t hang out with them. I would sort of like to, but… I just, don’t. I just don’t. And, I have been awaiting the day I fall for someone who is just like me. It occurs to me, that I am being slowly driven insane because of this. Not liking anyone. Everyone at my school is so… boring I guess.
I walk throughout the day imagining this person that loves me with all his heart. I imagine them being there all the time, someone who is like me, who gets how I feel. But it’ll never happen… it just wont… it’s just a presentiment of mine… sort of.
Another thing I realized being lost in my stupid head is that all the people I have ever been somewhat close to, are all slipping away. 3 friends so far, 3, whom I used to talk to all the time and hang out with non-stop, but they, just suddenly, ignore me, act like I never existed. One by one, they slip from me, quietly, like blood dripping down my arm, slowly leaving me.
I see nothing wrong with me, not really, except my tendency to bitch about my life, but when I do that, I vent silently in my room, alone, I usually vent by writing. I guess all I have to say is, life sucks, neh? *sighs*
I’m glad you made this post…made me realize i’m not the only one….thanks
I’m going through exactly the same, I’ve lost most of my friends because they don’t like what I’m apparently becoming. I’d just started feeling like I was being myself more than ever and somebody I’ve known all my life told me she was scared of me and that by the next christmas she predicted none of my old group of friends would be getting presents from me or vice versa. It was meant light heartedly, but it really hurt me. Those people that I was so close to, that I spent much of my school life with and outside school too, they are gone. I sit with them in lessons sometimes. They’re starting to annoy me as much as I ‘scare’ them, I suppose we’ve just grown apart.
BUT I am lucky, a few years ago those that I’ve lost caused the alienation of my best friend and we grew apart, now that my false friends are leaving me I’ve had a chance to apologise to her and we’re closer than ever. She brought with her a mutual friend who is now close to me too.
So we sit, bored, watching the horror that is people who don’t care.
Sitting together helps but it doesn’t make it all better, I have a few friends but I still get lonely, I still get lost in my head like you.
The biggest thing I hate is change, I shouldn’t but I do, I fear forgetting the past and I mourn it while I can remember it. However, there is a plus side to change, as long as it’s still going on then theres a chance of you finding the someone you crave.
Its just a game of waiting.
…+ I agree, life does suck sometimes! (sorry about the long ramble)
samething here. i always write poetry about how i feel certain events in my life, it actually kinda helps getting some of that emotion out. email me at cillierz@ananzi.co.za if u want to talk.
I agree Sethera… I also hate change. Just recently I’ve been notified that one of the biggest changes of my life is about to set sail.
Almost literally “set sail.” I’m moving, once again. I’m moving after they TOLD me that we were going to stay. I am a former Air Force Brat. This will be the ninth time I’ve moved. That’s like NINE schools.. NINE years. Could you imagine? Anyway, the year I moved to Arizona I made this sort of promise to myself, not to get close to ANYONE, and I didn’t, not until about a year ago. They told me that we were staying a year ago. So I decided to get close to people. AND NOW we’re MOVING… this pisses me off…
Now once again, I’m gonna be the new kid. I’m gonna be a loner, most likely, I get the feeling there aren’t going to be people like me in The Keys of Florida.
Anyway… I’m just bitching again. Sorry. Thanks for replying all of you. Ciao.
People cant love u unless you let them.
its hard being around someone who complains all the time and never sees the good in their life…
its kind of self centered to only talk about how bad yur life is actually…
my friend is like that and sometimes im very tempted to just leave here because shes dragging me down with her
i try to be a positive person
and she just keeps making everything negative…and she only ever talks about herself.
but u said u only do it alone in your room.
maybe u shud try reaching out to people…
the other goth people in your school
u said ud like to be friends with them…
why not give it a try?
if those people were your real friends
then they wouldnt have left u….
its hard being alone
but its circumstances like that that make u stronger
you have to rise above them
dont let them take control over you.
be strong…
im sure things will get better then.
theres only one way to go when u reached the bottom and thats up…
i hope things work out…
-unkeptsecret
“but u said u only do it alone in your room.
maybe u shud try reaching out to people…
the other goth people in your school
u said ud like to be friends with them…
why not give it a try?”
Thanks for the advice.. but… there’s no point anymore.. I’m leaving in May.
I was there in October when I joined Darkness…lonely, depressed, with no friends, losing friends as you are now. Things have changed, it took time, it always does and it hasn’t been easy either over that time making the adjustments. Know how you feel.
As for that one soul who will be there, they will come in time to share your life, whether in friendship or as partner, only time needs to pass. It’s never easy when there is so much change and sometimes you will feel like you want to give up…sometimes. Other times life will move you on regardless.
May is a time of change, a time of change for many people this year, there are signs. They can be deep and profound change, long lasting. Friendships can change at this time or be created, possibilities can open up in life for new directions. All may not seem as dark as it may first appear, Dark Silence. It would be a good time to change your emotional state toward others by changing yourself from within.
Thanks Voltarrens… I appreciate it. 🙂
I want to add more to what i was saying in the main topic, but i don’t know if i can, so I’m going to write an add on here:
The people who are like me… well let’s just said what I said was slightly misleading. There’s only ONE kid like me.. i think. He dresses like a goth… I have only seen him where a color other than black ONCE and it was really early morning on the weekend nearing the end of 7th grade. (I’ll never forget that day..); He, i think, has the attitude, and mind of a goth. He claims to not be a goth, so I’ll say he isn’t. But.. he reminds me of me, like the male version of me. I’ve only spoken to him like 10 times in 2 years, but… i just see people differently than others at my school? I can usually figure a person out well enough in around 4-5 meetings. There WAS another kid, Axel… but he moved away, but i think he’s in rehab :p … and i also hear he was a total ass hole. So… i wouldn’t even bother with that kid. Anyway, my point is.. there’s really no one around here.. that I’ve seen that are like me.
And since I’m moving, my mom tells me “You are NOT going to dress like that when we go to Florida.” and “People don’t DRESS like that in The Keys. You’re not going to go around in your Slipknot and Ozzy shirts, or your spiked bracelets, or your cordueroy pants!” … I tell her I am. It’s not up to her. I didn’t spend over $200 on clothes to throw them away when I moved. But it makes me mad that she could even THINK of changing me.
Anyway, I believe I’m venting and focusing mainly upon myself, which… is selfish to me.. SO, I’m going to shut my mouth now. Thanks for replying and helping out a selfish venter like myself.
-dark silence-
It’s never selfish to want to be your true self as you are rather then those things that others want to impose on you. It is better to be true to yourself, with your own integrity, your own personality.
Just wait until you have moved to where you are going. Your mother may only have one view of Florida and The Keys and change that view when other things come to light.
Noone should have to be someone they are not. Eventually the fake life you’re living will have to end. Let’s say you’ve met someone who likes and maybe loves you for who you pretend to be. For your own good you should eventually reveal your true self, but that may hurt your friend, and maybe scare her/him off. If you continue to live the “lie” you’ll slowly decay and become a miserable person.
On the other hand; if you live your life you’ll most likely find people who want you to change, maybe even your parents as in this case. And it’s particularly sad when our parents don’t support us like we might expect them to do.. But don’t worry, hang in there – Sooner or later someones path will cross yours and you’ll find your true friends.
Just don’t shut everyone out and think that there never will be anyone for you, cause then you might miss some good opportunities to meet some really nice ppl. Someone will like you for who you are. And those who do will be your friends for ever.
Don’t know if this made much sense.. It sounded better in my head I think. Anyway, you are not alone..
Was sort of confusing Spirit of the North, but I still figured what you meant. I agree partly, but then again I agree entirely, don’t ask how that works. 🙂
Thanks much.
-Dark Silence-
i think fuck should be the color of a crayon..
you are alone, and not wanting to be so. but you can’t sit around all day and wait around for a clal that may never come, you know? you have to find away to be happy all by yourself. so what if you have no friends? so what if you’re lonely? get used to it, b/c life is lonely. in all of your life, there are few you can count on besiudfes yourself. be productive with this lonliness. get shit done.
see, you are different from most people, no? goth/punk. you have chosen a path that few have or ever will take. i can’t imagine why anyone would take such a road willingly and then not be able to figure out why they are so alone. b/c you have set yourself apart from the norm, you have eliminated most of your possible friends, who could be really nice people who simply buy into modern society. the nice clothes, nice cars, plasticy-fake and utterly hopeless and meaningless but in the long run much easier and lax lifestyle. your road isn’t easy. being a minority never is. i don’t know what else to say. open your mind, free your conscience, let your little glass towers that you’ve built in your mind about life and friends and all that bullshit fall away and crumble and then look at who you are and find out if that will suffice.