dreams of shaving my hair

i am a very tense person, not just agro but everything i do is not quite right. just out of reality. it gets so bad i start to pull out my hair, scratch under my skin, rip off scabs, make wounds in my mouth. i’ve been having dreams of shaving my head and being relaxed just by rubbing it. I contemplate shaving my head so i can just scratch that all the time. but i’ve always cut my hair for aweful reasons.

the first time i cut my hair, it wasn’t me cutting it. my step father hit me with the brush, said if i kept crying then he’d cut off all my hair, of course i cried, i was 5 or 6 and that brush hurt. so he had my hair cut real short, the back was shaved and i never said a word about it.
years later my hair was down to about my butt, dark brown with highlights from the ocean and sun. i kept it in good shape, trimming the split ends with a nail clipper. it was beautiful. i was smoking a bowl and the wind blew some into the flame ignighting it, giving me bangs and a stench of burnt hair. i had it cut to just below my shoulders. I vowed to always keep it back when i was smoking and never cut it again.
when i was 15 it was long again, only now it was solid brown, by this time i had become a full blown junkie and recovering from smack addiction. My best friend shot himself and i went straight to heroin again. I didn’t have any income so i was looking for things to sell for money. since i had always kept it up well and it was healthy i was able to sell it to the cancer assosiation. at 4$ an inch i came out of there with 70$. that was all i needed to start off with and kept the sale and using ball rolling for months. i had a good ealer with a good heart.

after a while i bleached my hair to escape him. but came back just a few weeks later.
it seemed like the more weight i lost and the more i got sick, the whiter my hair would get, until my scalp itched from the peroxcide.

then i got clean again. and stoped bleaching it. now i’m clean 5 months, my roots are long, and all i wanna do is pull out all my ahir, wax my scalp.
I’ve started the long process of wrapping small bits into hair wraps with bells at the end, but i just pull on those even more. it’s even getting to a point where i will cut bits out with my knife and not even realize it until somebody asks me what i’m doing.

i don’t know if i could deal with chopping it again.

or maybe it’s just hat i need.


  1. Fuck,

    I think you need to find something in life to live for, act drastic and rampage, or suicide.
    Cuz you sound like a mess and cutting your hair isn’t the start of your problems.
    If I was you I’d just get away and start fresh in a new city.

  2. you might want to see a psychiatrist if it disturbs you that much, you sound like you have a problem that a professional could help you with.

  3. i think it might help. i remember going through a period of stress/anger and i’d pull on my hair as well. i’d get scabs on my scalp and rip them off anly to uproot more hair with the scabs. anyway, after a while i was totally fed up with everything so i took a pair of scissors and cut as close to my scalp as i possibly could. i couldn’t pull my hair anymore, so the scabs eventually went away and i had one less part of my body to worry about. chopping off the hair really did help. i’ve been letting my hair grow back for the past year, but i still shave the lower half cause i’ll still pull there. maybe it may have been so-called “power of suggestion” but when i think about it, no one really told me that getting rid of my hair might make me feel better. if you think it might help, do it. it always grows back. i mean….do you have any reasons not to?

  4. Polly,
    Sweetness is so right on this, shave your head, its hair. thats all. It has nothing to do with who you are, nothing. And if you dont want to see a doctor, then take classes. Even matrial arts, it sounds so weird, but it makes one have to rely on oneself and it builds major confidence in yourself….the asian arts are scoffed at so much but the energys felt are ones that were always in you only brought out with a pure force of beauty and control…..(i had to share that with you even if you have no idea what im talking about, its ok )

  5. Polly,
    That fucking itching is the story of my life right now. Cold turkey off junk for three days so far. Jesus fucking Christ, I never thought I’d feel so shitty. To life there is a meaning and to meaning there is death. Remember- it’s better to live and hate than not to have hated at all…
    Always Ill,
    Shy Euphoria

  6. Polly..
    .. I had something much like you. Long hair was getting on my nerves and I’d just pull it out sometimes. Finally, I got it cut from wait length to about an inch above the shoulder. I started putting it i lil hairbows all over my head and died the tips bright oragne. Something that fit my personality.. my style.. maybe shaving your head will fit you.


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