i was having so much fun. i wasn’t doing much, but i was happy….just sitting on my bed. Pleased with myself for some reason. i was laughing, in my head, i was laughing. Then it came out of my mouth. i was laughing out loud. Then harder….and harder….until i was laughing so hard my tummy started hurting and i felt like throwing up.

“HaHaHaHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!”….i screamed. i screamed loud, hoping i could scream the insanity out of my head. but i couldn’t. i knew it was happening again. and i wanted it to go away, but it was unstopable….like….a dark storm-cloud swallowing up a babyblue sky. i began to smack my fist on the back of my head, tried to smack it out. Then my hand came around to my forehead…..dragged my nails down the front of my face. Felt the heat of the scratches that my fingers left behind. i began pacing…telling myself to knock it off.
“You STUPID BITCH! It’s in your head! YOU can stop it! Na Na Na NA NAAAAA….You can’t geeeeet meeeee”
“NO! NO! NO! Not you again! NOT THIS! C’MON..pleeeeease not now.”
i was still pacing and suddenly felt shaky. My legs buckled under me and i collapsed at the foot of my bed. Began to cry like a lost child….and it made me angry. i got pissed off at myself because i thought i’d stop doing this. But i can’t control my feelings and others brag about how they CAN.
“you pathetic…..little….bitch. You know how lame you look right now? No! I spit on you! DON’T TRY TO GET UP! You BELOOONG on the floor.”
“that’s not true…”
“Keep telling yourself that. And if it WASN’T true…then you wouldn’t be down there. You’re such a little hypocrit. Keep telling yourself that you’re fair. Maybe it’ll come true.”
i’m hoping…..but it doesnt work…because i know that what i’m hearing IS true…..that i’m full of bullshit. Bad….i’m being bad…….i need to be punished……where is it…….WHERE THE FUCK IS IT! i get up and shuffle through my piles of papers….empty the contents of my backpack….look through all the shoeboxes filled with nonsense that i collect for pitiful sentiment….little memories attatched to them….because i live in the past. THERE! I reach for the yellow book with black words,”Crucibles”…..turn it upside down, flipping pages. There…razor falls onto the bed. Virgin blade….i found it in the abandoned house that Wendy took me to. There were many, but i chose that one. It had character…it was chipped in the middle….all the others were still so perfect and pretty. i wanted that one to know that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved…so i took it home with me, to show it i cared. Now it’s here for me…just like i was there for It. Crying….Crying….Crying….for so many reasons, but it felt like not a single one made sense. No legitimate reason at all. i pulled up my sleeve….said sorry to my skin….not for the skin, but for the promises i had made on it. For the promises i was about to break. The same one i ALWAYS broke. Razor on my skin….i pressed down intil i felt the pop…then dragged across. Started again….a little higher from the first one….pressed…and dragged….It dragged the blood from the first cut into the second. Then again….and again…..and again….pressed and dragged. Burning as the salty tears felt onto the open wounds. The pink, the red, the white…deep deep inside. Stopped….and looked up with a sigh of relief…and sucked in air again so i could continue the cries….partly whimpering. Looked across from me….peeeennn. My lovely pen. Grabbed a paper and closed my eyes.

Something to Fucking fear
Not Even the mirror
Stupid BITCH
EveN HE called You that
They all did
so you KNOW its true
Go ahead. look at all the pretty things
because thats how pretty youll NEVER
BE! Now look at me spit on you
And you better like it. or ill beat the SHIT out of you. just like
the others did. And stay down there
like a Good UGLY DOG

that’s what i saw when i opened my eyes….only there was blood all over it. i looked at it….i thought, “oh god. how pathetic. how many times have i heard THIS shit. haha…so fuckin stupid. yeah. lame. damn…i need to stop.”
No pills but i had my razor. Smile. I smiled. Pleased with myself…..for some reason. Looked at my bloody razor and said thank you. Grabbed the yellow book….flipped to page 333…..genly nestled him inside. Gently put the book back….in between the others….quietly, as though he were asleep, to not wake him.
I felt like dirt. Disappointed with myself bacause of the promises. But they won’t know. I’ll hide it better this time. The cuts…..felt nice. Happyyyyy….heehee….like a whimsical high….and i couldn’t remember why i had been crying. Looked to the radio….popped in a cd….listened to “Lhabia”. looked for my plush turtle, smiled at him and kissed him on the top of his head. 🙁 got some blood on him. took off one of my socks and slipped it onto my arm. Black socks look good on arms 🙂 wiped the blood off turtle. Skipped the cd to number 10, “MX”, and set it on repeat. I was fine now. Numb. Nothing tormenting inside. Mmmm….flipped my pillow over ( i always sleep on the DarthVader side), layed my head down and closed my eyes. Hmhm….i smiled at the though at not waking up again…..smiled at the thought of my mother walking in my room to discover a dead body. i smiled at the thought of never having to fight myself again…..and then i faded away.

By MasochisticSweetness

Fuck off and die.


  1. Powerful, very powerful indeed. The words flow like liquid, leaving a puddle of thought. I sense a feeling of helplessness in this. You know where i am, you know how to contact me…do it anytime you need someone to talk to because my arms are always open and my ears ever listening

  2. Excellent.
    i love your use of words, its like a story i have read many a times. good work. email me anytime i’d like to listen.

  3. beautiful. i love it…maybe that’s because of the amount of blood spill included. inspiring.
    lay your blade here, anytime.

  4. Thank you. i felt a bit wierd writing this…..this was one of the episodes i actually remembered. Most of the time, everything is such a blur…and i don’t remember too much. i wanted to share this because i know that there are others out there who go through similar things, so you’re not alone. Thanks again.

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