Finding Myself

My world is crumbling all around me. All the beliefs I have ever held around me are falling away. I’m finding myself lost and confused, wandering around hopelessly not knowing what to do. Do I let them in my heart? Do I want to? What is love, and can I ever attain it? I try to look for the good in life, but it never seems to be there. The word love is thrown around so much, with so little meaning behind it.

I can see myself stumbling in the darkness. Struggling to keep my head above the water as it gows deeper every hour. My life is nothing I ever knew. Everything’s changing so fast, and I don’t know what to do.

Shrouded in so many lies, and half-truths. Who do I tell what to? I can’t trust them, I want to, so bad. To trust someone, anyone with what I really am and how I really feel.

I want to tear down the walls I built around myself, but I always second guess myself. I can never tear down these walls. They are my shelter. My only protection.

But what am I missing? What could I have if I let them down? Who am I losing? What kind of life could I have if I let them in.

Maybe some walls are just better left standing in their completeness. Maybe I’ll just never know.

14 comments

  1. Okay – EVERYBODY who feels this way, I got somethin to say to ya.

    For gods sake, lose the goddamn walls. You’re the one damaging yourself. The pain we get from outside is microscopic compared to the shit we put ourselves through.

    I did this. *All of it*. I went to a different fuckin country because people got too close, or not close enough ~ I couldn’t decide.
    I know what it’s like – you want to reach out but everytime you do you get burned so you go back inside your precious little shell and you tell yourself you’re self-sufficient. Only you’re never really convincing enough and you still feel empty.
    It’s not even because you actually are empty – you hold more than you can imagine – it’s just that nobody else can see all the things inside you.
    We look to others for validation, and when we don’t let others in, we never get that validation. So we feel in our hearts like we’re worthless, even if in our heads we know it’s not true.

    God, I *know* this. I know it so well, but there are times when you just have to say “Right, no more. This is fucked up and I’m not doin it to myself anymore.”
    You just gotta talk to somebody. Email me – if you don’t wanna go trhough the inane “hi, this is (whatever your name is)” then DON’T. Just spill it all right out into an email and send it, I’ll write back, I promise.
    Yes, you can find somebody who gives a fuck. Yes, you can fall in love. Yes, you can even sound like a cheap self-help book, just like I do. *smirk*

    But you think any of that can happen if you don’t let yourself? That’s just foolish. Risk your neck, it’ll be worth it.

  3. 🙂 Very true blacklight. I can’t think of anything else to say. It is worth it though, for sure.

  4. Well my old friend mourning star…I will help you threw all your problems and like you said don’t break down all the walls because you will be vulnerable to the crude ness of people around you and kill your self…I don’t want to lose a friend over a small thing as words…they may be our friends but our enemies also…say kain would let the world put him down on his act then darkness would not be a thing of imagination some of our greatest dark leaders had walls and because of this they are great in the eyes of many Evan the king of darkness had walls…if he didn’t he wouldn’t have ever created the sin on Adam and eve

    your friend
    ~Daynte~

  5. i don’t know what the hell possessed me to post this. i don’t even remember writing it. i remember the feelings i had/have.

    i do not write about my life. i guess i slipped up somewhere. a temporary breach in the hull so to speak.

    i thank all of you who care enough about a person you’ve never met and probably never will to lend your eyes to my post.

    (un?)fortunately the old, somewhat stronger me has returned and i will battle my problems on my own.

    i want to let people in, i just don’t know how, and don’t know if i even want to. maybe i really can go at life alone.

    thanx again all of you who cared enough to respond. you don’t know how much it means.

    –mourning

  6. well i don’t want to lose a future leader in darkness of some small thing (What ever it may be)

  7. Sometimes, we are all a lot better off when we let our walls down. You should give it a try. I mean, what could it hurt?

  8. Yes, you guys may be right about it being better off breaking the walls down, and letting people see what is behind them. But if everytime you do that, you end up geting hurt, the walls only get higher and stronger. It is about luck… if you break them down at the right time, it’ll work out. Otherwise there is only more reason for the walls to be in place.

  9. ‘All the beliefs I have ever held around me are falling away. I’m finding myself lost and confused, wandering around hopelessly not knowing what to do. Do I let them in my heart’.

    This made me smile, but also want to cry. I’ve been there. Different circumstance and situation but everything you said about the beliefs – i know how you feel. And as for your question about letting them into your heart – yes, you should.

    Take care.
    Vix
    xx

  10. thanx, again to all of you who care enough to respond.

    daynte666, a future leader of darkness? i’m not sure i understand what you mean, but thanx for the compliment.

    cryingrain, sometimes things aren’t that simple. it’s a lot easier said and done, especially when you don’t even know whether or not you want to let those walls down.

    surrealx, i’ve always had problems with timing, but i don’t think it’s so much as timing as i don’t know who to let in. i don’t know who i can trust.

    vixodus, thanx.

    –mourning

  11. mourning, i know you’re a good person and doesn’t it make you sad to think you’re holing yourself up in this little untouchable place where nobody can get at you, know you and learn from you?

    I guess …. maybe you could have a shot at life alone. But do you really want to? I used to try and be so self sufficient but it gets even lonelier thinking that tomorrow you’ll essentially be alone, in twenty years time you’ll still be alone. And when you die, still alone.
    It’s your life and I don’t wanna try to tell you how to live it, because in the end I’m a virtual stranger.

    I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s not impossible to do. And in the long run it takes so much more effort to keep everybody out. Don’t wear yourself out with keeping up defences because when they fall, you’ll be wiped out, and I’d hate to see that happen. You can’t hide forever.

  12. hiding? somehow, i never thought of it as hiding. though it seems the correct word.

    i wasn’t always alone. i had a brief period of my life where i did have “friends” and a part of me still yearns for that, and you’re right that it does make me sad.

    maybe it is time for a change. i mean, if i let one person in, what harm can i really do?

    thanx again blacklight.

    –mourning

  13. The dilemma is knowing which person to let in and which person to write off.

    Be careful.

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