First Real Friendship, First Love, First Thing Worth Not Letting Go

Woke up this morning immersed in thoughts, just as it was when I fell asleep. My main concerns were Brain, and J.C. Hope Brian’s good.

Hate it when he’s down. He upsets me sometimes…..he makes so much sense and we’re together so much that it leaves me no time to bother myself with any of the things I may consider problems. “It’s alright”, “Things get better”, “It happens for a reason”, all the things I hear that he says to himself to keep from getting pathetic like any masochistic fool would. And I guess it’s rubbing off cause I’ve seen no need to talk to anyone about things that would usually make me cry or pretend that it wasn’t me who it happened to. I miss J.C. like a fool. Wanted to go to his house…not far…just up the hill, but I figure that his girlfriend’s got more free time now, so I would probably intrude if I showed up without notice. Besides, I don’t know if his hours are still the same, so he might be at work by the time I get up and get decent to walk out in public.
J.C., I never see him anymore…and it so strange cause he lives right up the hill. We could’ve met 9 or 10 years ago. We didn’t though…we met in highschool. My freshman year, I was walking the track cause I didn’t dress for phys-ed. I saw Lupy and decided to see how her summer had been. She was walking next to some tall guy. I hadn’t realised I was wearing black till it got really hot. I felt sick, pissed, and was drowning in depression. He tried to cheer me up by cracking a small joke. I didn’t much care for his humor at the moment and I blurted out, “Shut up.” That was really out of character for me and I quickly regreted it. No, was not aggressive at all. I was so passive….always getting picked on when I was really young, was such a loser that in J.R.High even the deaf kids would make fun of me. I saw him on the bleachers and apologized to him. He didn’t seem convinced so I gave up. about 3 or 4 days later I cought the DASH (mini-bus that cost 25 cents to ride) and I had to get off not long after I got on. I couldn’t stand being on it another minute, it was so crowded the doors could barely close. I walked the rest of the way home, and along they way I saw that tall guy again. I yelled to him thinking, “if he lives anywhere around here I won’t have to walk home alone”.
“HEY YOU! YOU! GUY! HEY!”
He turned around and I cought up with him. “Sorry for being a bitch.” He didn’t care too much about it anymore and we talked for a little bit. Asking eachother where we lived. ‘On the hills’ was both of our answers, not specifying streets cause the whole neighborhood is surrounded by hills. It got funny when we began to walk up the same stairs…and we asked again where we lived. Then I specified, “right here, where the road turns.”
“You mean yours is the yard with those big rottweilers in it???”
“Haha, yeah. Ugly aren’t they?”
“Hell yeah, I’m always making fun of them. How long have you lived there?”
“We moved to this house this summer, but we lived right near the liquer store before that, and before THAT we lived right on the other side of the hill. My family moved here when i was four.”
“No shit! I live right up the hill, just right there, you can see my garage from here.”
“How come I haven’t seen you around before?”
And we talked for quite some time. No need to say how close we became, and I came to discover that the house I had lived in previously was RIGHT below his. There were stairs that led right into his yard but it had been locked off. He would occasionally throw waterballoons into my back yard right after I’d clean it up. The strangest one was, when we were young, I was about 9 and I went go look for a pet. Mother took me to the local pet shop, Paul’s Pets and Grooming, or something like that. I remember a boy who came up to me with a rat in his arms. I was delighted at the sight of the creature in his arms and asked if I could hold it. He let me do so and I mentioned how much I would like to have her as a pet. He proceeded to tell my mom how much she would enjoy having a pet rat in the house, convincing her that they were not mean creatures and they’re rather clean and easy to keep. She was sold and I always remembered him for that. J.C. told me how when he was 12 he had a job at a pet store. Paul’s….I didn’t believe it at first and then he told me that he used to wear glasses and I was nearly floored. That was him. I had met him before…but never got to KNOW him. We had all these years living so close to eachother, even knew all the same people, and we had never met. I have valued his friendship so much. He found me at the time of my life when I had no one, when I was so depressed I cried day and night non-stop for weeks, at home, at school and no one cared or pretended not to. We’ve had our fair share of bad experiences with eachother. This year was the first summer we spent on speaking terms. I’m always around to enjoy his birthday, but when my birthday rolls around, those are the months that we don’t speak. We’ve hated eachother for a total of 9 months out of the 3 years we’ve been “best friends”. We know eachother better than we say we do, we know eachother better than a lot of others do…so I find myslef being hurt in this friendship. It’s been a while since we’ve spoken to eachother. It’s not cause we’re in hate right now…..he’s just….busy. It’s strange. In all this time, I’ve been there to see him through his past 6 relationships and I’ve only asked him for support once during my first real relationship(my current relationship), but this new one is leaving him totally out of everything. I miss my dear friend. But I’ve ALWAYS figured that….if it makes him happy….I’ll let it be. Just like when everyone told me I was in love, including “thebitch”. Said I was in love with him. He knew later on and things happened, we never got together though. When I admitted it, it was strange. “thebitch” tried to help me, seeing how I was so inexperienced with relationships, but I didn’t want that with him, or at least, not at that time. Then “thebitch” got with him. She’d come over every weekend to see him, and I was in the middle of it all. I saw them kiss, hold eachother, heard their little love expressions and (don’t ask why cause not even i know) let them use my room for their own….personal…purposes. I put my friendships before my feelings and it got ugly. When they broke up it got worse. I had to hear both of their stories and try to help them with eachother. It was miserable….not just me, it was ALL Miserable. After a few changes I made the biggest change of all. I cut the srings that attatched me to “thebitch”. 8 years of so much shit, finally no more to add. She was angry and swore to beat my ass if she ever saw me on the street. I though it was cute how she treid to dominate me. She also thought that I didn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore because I wanted to be with J.C. Although I did have feelings for him even then, I did NOT want to be with him. Things changed. But even then I gave him enought space to enjoy his time with his girlfriend. I really like his current girlfriend. She cute, sweet, and she’s not some bubble-gum teeny-bopper twit. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, and I worry for him sometimes. I know he enjoys his time spent with his girl, but he’s not happy at home or with other aspects of his life, and I know exactly which ones…..even though I haven’t spoken to or seen him in over a month. I also wonder if he cares as much as I do. He’s hurt me alot. In the past and he knows now how a lot of the things he did hurt me. It’s hard to get up the nerve to tell someone you love them, when I finally did say…i love you…what I got in return was a stern “I don’t wanna hear it!”
Yes, I think about it all….only because of what he once told me.
“You’re fake. The way you act…..it’s all fake. You get depressed and it’s all bullshit. It’s your own fault. You’re wondering what’s wrong with our frienship and you don’t know how much I’m sick of it. I’ve told you already what your problem is and you DON’T fuckin listen. You know what your problem is? You give everything up too fucking easy. In all the time I’ve known you I’ve never seen you fight for anything. Not a damn thing. You just don’t fight for shit. That’s why you lose everything. Don’t think it’s just me who’s making the friendship hard. You just give up, and I ‘m not gonna be the only one trying. You just don’t listen, do you?”
I hated everything he said. Is it true? It was all so sickening and I feared it to be true. I admitted later on that what he said was true. I do give things up too easily. But there’s two things that remain bullshit. I’m not fake. I still get confused about what he was talking about, but that pissed me off. And the other….the fact that I give up too easily. Only with him is that bullshit though. He wasn’t there to see how much I fought to keep him my friend. How much I fought to let everyone know that to me, his friendship is worth it. He didn’t see that. He’s wasn’t willing to try by himself…..but what he doesn’t know is that I did. I fought on my own to make people understand that this was a friendship I was willing to fight for.
I’m stuck right now thinking….what was it that I was fighting for? I don’t know anymore. He thinks I don’t need him anymore, but it was never only the issue of need…was it? Does he think that I was always going to be helpless and run to him for shelter? I just want my friend back. The only thing I’ve ever fought for….and it’s practically non-existant. Now THAT’s bullshit.

* If you actually read the whole thing then, DAMN! Where you BORED or WHAT?!!! Well, since you’ve read it all please let me know how you all feel about this. Maybe you can relate to it, maybe you only have opinions or suggestions, whatever it is, feel free to comment.