first time happy

he knew that he was always wrong for this world. he knew that this world would never accept him, that with every waking minute the universe hated him more. he suffered everyday, ever second more suffering and every second the world mocked his tears, laughed crulley in his face at his remorse. each night, before laying his head down on his pillow he prayed for his demise. he prayed to be taken into the arms of the angel of death and lifted to freedom. in his dreams he could almost smell the freshly packed earth closed around him and the fresh smell of oak and satin that lined his coffin. then he would wake up and remember that his dreams of death were always out of reach. he kept grasping for them in his slumber, but never could reach thme. it was like reaching for the stars, never could reach them but always see it. each tear represented a memory that was held in his heart with pain. he tried all he culd to erase each thought, but they passed through him out of his control. each morning he awoke and thought of death. while he walked throug the halls he observed happy people. smiles, laughter. all foreign things to him. he knew now how to be happy, knew now of joy, knew not of anything but sorrow. he could not take it one more day, it wasnt apprehendable. he arrived home from school and looked at his mother for the last time. he looked in her eyes and saw pain and heartbreak, heartbreak over her son’s moods. the moods she had tried to hard to break over the years. the pain of a lost son. a son that had once been happy sometime she knew. in each picutre his face was blank with expression, it was not smiling, it was not joyful. it was washed clean of any emotion what so ever. she watched him somberly walk up the stairs and she let one tear drop. she swallowed the tears arising in her throught and sat down against the wall, never knowing what was going through his head. he locked his door and looked out the window for the last time. the barren sky held no clouds or sunlight. he walked over to his drawer and thought, if only i could not live i could be happy. he went and picked up a blade. he slowly sliced his wrists. he thought of everything that had happened in his life. he cried and whimpered out one last, im sorry mom. im sorry for being this way, im sory for putting you through all this. he fetl weak and collapsed on his floor. as his blood pooled around him and soaked his back, he smiled. for the first time in a lng time, he let a smile slip out. it felt as if for the first time, he was actually happy. or somthing close to it.