It’s been half a year since he broke my heart. For 6 months I’ve done nothing but cried, and wish I would die. We started out as friends, but I wanted something more… I had been raped not too long back, and I felt unwanted. I just wanted someone to think I was more than just a piece of ass. And he assured me that I wasn’t. I thought I was so in love… all I could ever think about was him and how much I missed him whenever I didn’t get to talk to him. He was at the high school, and I was at the middle school.
I had one of those fake ideas in my head that he wouldn’t do anything with any other girl, just because he had told me so himself. He begged and begged for me to give myself to him. But I didn’t know if I was ready yet. It just brought back so many memories… “It’s okay. I wouldn’t ever break your heart… I’ll be with you forever…” he said to me over and over. And I was a stupid sucker for believing it…
I finally gave in, not because I wanted to, but because I felt that I had to. The night I got home from his house, I felt so happy. It felt like all my problems were fixed… my mix up with love and lust, had gone way too far.
A couple of days later, some group of girls asked me if I had fucked him. I said no, because he had told me not to tell a single soul, and I wouldn’t do anything to make him hate me. When I got home that day I emailed him and asked why he told those girls. Cause apparently everyone knew now, and I was known as the middle school slut that had a one nightstand with the hottest Goth in the freshman class.
I bitched him out for telling them, cause now my reputation was ruined. I wasn’t thinking at the time… because I said some pretty fucked up things. He bitched back at me, and told me never to talk to him again. He blocked my number, my email addresses… he did everything he could to make sure he never had any contact with me again.
After that day I was so fucked up. All I ever did was cry… I couldn’t do anything else. Every passing day that I thought of him, my pain grew more and more. I wanted nothing but to just let go and die. I wanted away from the world… away from my life. I stayed locked up in my house, crying all day, everyday. At first I thought he would get over it… but he never did. He’s stayed mad at me. And everyday it just tears my heart up more.
The more he was on my mind, the more places I would see him. It was like he knew that he was killing my heart… and he was just sitting back laughing the whole fucking time. I wanted to die because I felt so bad. I felt it was my fault that he never talked to me anymore. As the days turned into months, somehow my want and need for him turned into great hate. I wanted nothing more than to see him dead for what he did to me.
I didn’t know what I wanted more… him dead or myself. It was so hard just to even think about the fact that I let him do this to me… I was the one who let him use me, and now I’m the one crying and bitching about it. I never even talk to him anymore, and it seems like he’s playing mind games with me. The very few times that I talked to him, the way he was acting was convincing me that it was all MY fault that it happened, and that it was MY choice to go through with it.
I’m still trying to get over him now. This whole shit with him has made me go over the edge. I’ve tried to commit suicide so many times… to this very day all I still want to do is die. I think now that I want him dead more than anything…because he hurt me so bad and all. If I could go back and change it, I wouldn’t have ever went over to his house. I would’ve just stayed friends with him, and let him get mad at me for not going all the way.
And this is to him: If you’re reading this, stay away from me… for good. Never again will I say sorry to you for something that was BOTH of our faults. You don’t know how bad I want to hurt you right now… Every day for the past 6 months of my life all I have wanted to do was die because of you. Just remember; always keep a close eye behind you… You never know just when I might totally lose it and come after you. And believe me, I would kill you in a heartbeat.