Her Grave Within His Heart

I rested my arms on the edge of the coffin and peered in. She looked so peaceful, and for a second i convinced myself that maybe she was just sleeping – but by simply brushing ym hand across her cheek the cold skin brought reality flooding back. Tears welled up in my eyes.

I knew we wouldnt be together forever, but i had hoped it would last…

I rested my arms on the edge of the coffin and peered in. She looked so peaceful, and for a second i convinced myself that maybe she was just sleeping – but by simply brushing ym hand across her cheek the cold skin brought reality flooding back. Tears welled up in my eyes. I turned away and let them roll down my face. My nights had merged with my days, and sleep was now nothing more than a dormant memory. My bed had lain untouched since the accident.

I slumped back and fell on the couch with my head cradled in my arms. The visions hadn’t left me and i could see her face in my mind – as she was trying to accept the bitter truth. her last moments were peaceful as she lay bleeding in my arms. Her breathing was panicky at first, but the closer to death she got, the slower her breath. Right at that moment i had wished to die right there with her, but i had to see her to the end.

She didnt die alone – if she had id never have forgiven myself. Even now she’s gone it all just doesn’t seem real. Drugs made little difference – all they did was distract me for a while but nothign took the true pain away…..nothing ever would. All that i had now was the lifeless corpse of a lover now lost and memories clutched so tightly. No point in brooding any longer, for now i needed a chance to think.

I went out driving and it was so quiet on the roads. Most people asleep or somewhere doing something else, anything else, just doing something that made me so alone on the road – my CD player ringing out something i felt would fit my mood.

I drove until i ran out of city and there was nothing now but darkness and the open sky full fo stars twinkling so sweetly at me. Id found somewhere slightly off the beaten track and stopped the car. It was quiet here, but not silent. I could hear the drone of of distant cars and nature everywhere… No city lights here to pollute my view of those mysterious stars.

I took some cider from the boot, and retrieved soem cigarettes from my jacket pocket – then slowly climbed onto the roof of the car. As i lay down to look at the stars i realised i felt sade. I felt like she was watching me. And there she was dancing in my minds eye. I could see her amongst the stars and she smiled at e. I smiled in return. There i could see her as clear as day. It wasnt just a memory – she was there. I stretched out my hand to reach for her and she reached out towards me too. For a second the loss i was in agony over seemed like a dream. Slowly she pulled her hand back and blew me a kiss. I soflty whispered her name and she smiled again, her beautiful face a picture of beauty painted by me. She gently turned and faded from my vision…..now i felt completely alone.

I slid from the roof to the bonnet and sat gazing at the stars again. My watch told me id only been on the roof for 10 minutes. I got back into the car and roared the engine to a start. Distraught thoughts took over, i drank the cider as fast as i could and threw the empty bottle out of the window. Not caring where it landed. Five more minutes passed before i decided to start driving – just to make sure the alcohol was in my blood.

I turned the car around and sped back the way i came, racing hard towards the city. Soon the countryside died from sight, and all that was left in my vision was this filthy hollow shell of a city. My driving wast exactly at its best and i found myself veering from side to side. If i listened hard enough i thought i could almost hear her voice. It grew louder and louder until i turned to the passenger seat. There she was with the window rolled right down, hair blowing in the wind, one arm leant gracefully into the air. I said nothing and she neednt have said a word – her eyes said it all. She still seemed peaceful, i stretched a hand over and touched her cheek. It was warm and the car was full of her perfume.

“Your a star now baby” I told her. She smiled at me softly, and before i could take one more glimpse at her everything went black.

Burning, that asphyxiating smell of plastic and metal merging in molten matrimony. Metallic taste in my mouth…..tastes like blood…..theres a ringing in my ears…..a pain in my head…..

I opened my eyes to the passenger seat but she was gone. I struggled free from the grips of the burning car and fled to the nearest place i saw. It just happened to be a bar.

I found that i had run to a certain bar, the bar where we first met – how funny fate had brought me back here. I had returned a different person. These open wounds of mine bright signals of my state of mind.

Cleaning myself up seemed stranger. i had been in here two years ago doing the same thing. There was no permanent damage, i had just burst a vein in my nose. I finished off and wandered out of the bathroom and over to the bar. The drink to my throat was a godsend. A provider of some sort of relief from my demons.
Someone was watching me – i could feel their eyes on the side of my face. The smell of perfume came over me again and i knew who it was, i turned and there she was, just as she had been when id first lain eyes on her two years ago. She was playing hard to get and i was playing chase. Id bought her a drink to break the ice, but that hadnt worked as well as id hoped it would.

She took the drink from my hands and turned away. I chased her still and eventually i caught my beautiful prey. And it was from their our relationship grew.

It always seemed to me that when we were together i was the lucky one, never really realised how lucky i was. Like the old saying goes

“You never truly know what you have until youve lost it….”

You only question existence and your life for so long and then you decide its not worth it. she made me who i was – i lived and breathed for her. Now she was gone what did i have to live for? The answer…..nothing…..

Outside fire engines had shown up fighting against the fire i had crawled from. the police were questioning people so i crept out of sight. Walking these tattered streets, this hostile environment showed no mercy – why should it have? after all my life is nothing in the scale of things. But with her it never felt like that – each new day was a blessing. Lonliness causes people to think strangely, and if you only knew what its like to be a loner, youd soon see things in a different light – though few ever do. No words could shape the depths of my mind. i always was a dreamer.

But now i knew how awake i really was, how harsh reality can be…..The alleyway around me towered way above my head, piercing the sky with its bland peaks. Slumping to the floor i watched all the people scurry around for a better look at the burning car.

Turning, i looked to see what was going on the other side of the alley. Singing, i could hear singing…..her singing…..She sat swinging her legs atop a bench down there. She wasnt looking at me, i never could tell if she was able to sense me coming.

Before i reached her she slid off the bench and walked aorund the corner, but even though i was running as fast as i could – somehow i couldnt catch up with her. Now that she was no longer in sight i followed her singing around the corner. I recognised the song. It was “our” song, one we often sang to each other. And her voice, oh her voice…..some indecribable beauty like liquid mercury. Something so beautiful that you could fall in love with a single note, Memories did it no justice.

She finished a line and i sang the next one back. Giggling, she turned around and then stood frozen. I had caught up, and my chest was in agony. Breathing became very difficult. I placed my hand on her shoulder, she placed her hand on mine. Her hair, her clothes, everything…..she was wearing just what she had on the day of the accident.

Not many words were exchanged. She lay dying and i had wrapped myself around her. In her eyes i saw fear – she was afraid, but since i was there she found it easier to accept the truth. I had wanted so badly to just stay with her next to me, but reality was winning. Those final few moments werent long enough, though im glad of them. I had never felt a pain like this before. My reason for living was slipping from my grasp and there was nothing i could do about it.

She had decided to go for a walk just to get some fresh air. I didnt go with her as i wanted to stay in and work on a script i had been writing. No sooner had she stepped out of the front door than a shard of loose metal from a passing haulage vehicle struck her in the chest. She crumpled to the ground and screamed. I heard her cries, and my heart sunk straight through the floor. I raced down to where she lay and the sight that greeted my eyes shattered my heart into a thousand pieces. I got to her before the crowd did and i held her. She told me she loved me and those were the last words i heard. i had insisted that she be left in her coffin in our sitting room. I wished to mourn her in peace. She had died, and my whole world died with her. That was just two days ago.

She fluttered her eyes, walked around me and put her arms around my shoulders. I turned to dace her, but as i tried to put my arms around her she slipped out of reach and dissappeared again. It was dark and for the first time in my life i looked up and saw the stars within the city. They were just as beautiful as i ever remembered them.

As i walked home my mind was full of thought. Was this whole thing fate? Or some bizarre coincidental irony set to hurt me? I switched my body to auto pilot to lead me home. It was a path i had walked so often that the route home was imprinted on my brain. I was lost in my thoughts and away in a world of my own. It thought of how she died, it all seemed like a freak accident and i suppose it was. But was it fate? How could this have been meant to happen or did it happen so that something else could happen?

I was nearly home by now and my apartment loomed over me. Looking down i noticed that i was standing in the spot, the exact spot, where she had died. I stepped back and knelt down next to her. She was sitting on the steps crying, and i tried to comfort her. She looked at me directly into my eyes and whispered into my ear

“i miss you”

I told her the same and she smiled through her tears.

She stood up and walked upstairs towards the apartment, so i followed her. As i reached the door, i found it open – her keys still in the lock. I took them out and looked through the flat for her. After a short while i knew where she was.

The smell of perfume was coming from the sitting room – it was the perfume she had always worn. I pushed the door gently and let it drift open. Inside, the coffin still lay undisturbed in the centre of the room. Breathing in deeply i filled my lungs with her scent. She was in this room with me, I was safer here than i was anywhere else in the world.

On the table beside the coffin lay a few bottles of painkillers. I hadnt put them there, but i knew she had. I looked at her in the coffin, again she lay apparently “sleeping”

So i swallowed all the pills with some vodka to wash them down. i returned to the coffin and peered in – her eyes were open and she was smiling. She beckoned me to her and i climbed up to the coffin. She stretched her arms out and put them around my neck, and i lay down in the coffin with her – held in her ever tightening grip. Softly, she kissed me on the cheek. I closed my eyes and sank down into her warm embrace. And with my last breath i gave her my life. Now im going with her…..to walk amongst the stars.

By downwardspiral

Birth,life....awaiting death