I am a BAD American.

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I’m not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.
I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer.
I believe it’s called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don’t think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you’d better do it in English.
I don’t use the excuse “it’s for the children” as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.
Hillary Clinton is a carpet-munching lesbian.
My heroes are John Wayne, the Simpsons, and whoever canceled Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts when I freeze my ass through a long winter?
I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-fuck-up already.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money? And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution?
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I hate those bastards standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making ‘donations’ to their cause. These people should be targets.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a genius.
I’m neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.

Have a nice day :>)

By insertnamehere

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22 comments

  1. You have made plenty of brilliant comments. Well done. I wish to shake your hand…
    Dar
    *x6xox9x*

  2. LOL…so incredibly hilarious and true. I too wish to shake your hand.

  3. welll than if what you say is true than I am a enemy of the freakin nation…

    ~daynte~

  5. I agree wwith your thinkin…… but y do you think your my worst nightmare? i can think of 10 things already that make you look like a fluffy pink bunny curled up in the lap of societies pleasures

  6. excellent…I agree with most of this, and it is extremely amusing. Well done.

    -Elizabeth

  11. oh, and no offense to you sepulboy, but i dont steal other peoples work, i think thats just pathetic, however, do you actually have proof that george carlin wrote that??? can you prove that he didnt steal it form http://www.evildave.com???

  12. well you missed out the bit that reads “i am george carlin” and you havent explained why its in the archives of geoff metcalfs site,geoff metcalf being a public speaker who charges thousands to appear on tv shows etc

  13. dun dun DUNNN!!! (((hahaha))) you people need to find something more important to argue about. let’s all just agree that it’s a fabulous speech, regardless of who wrote it.

  15. very nice i couldnt of put it better if i knew everything about everthing and i think”What the hell is the big problem about 9/11 ans Osama Bin Laden so what thousands of ppl died i didnt so i couldnt care less”

  16. IF YOU CAN TAKE THE CREDIT FOR THIS WITH A CLEAR CONSCIENCE THEN GOOD FOR YOU. IF NOT, TOO BAD.

    REGARDLESS OF WHO WROTIE IT, AND I’M TEMPTED TO BELIEVE THAT WAS GEORGE CARLIN, IT’S PRETTY FUNNY.

    ALTHOUGH THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE HERE IS SCREWED UP. BEEF JERKY MAKES ME HURL. WE’RE TALKIN PERFECT FOODS IT’S ‘CHOCOLATE, GRAHAM CRACKER AND A S’MORE’ OR ‘BEN N JERRIES CHUNKY MONKEY ICE CREAM’.

    BUT HEY, YOU CAN’T BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME. <G>

    MUCH LOVE, ::B::

  17. I also found it very funny, regardless of who wrote it, but this reminds me of the morning poem that I had received on many email forwards long before you posted it in a comment.
    Good writing nonetheless.

  18. yeh, its a shame none believes i wrote it, so, lets all just put on out *thinking caps* here for a minute, lets see, if george carlin did write it, and someone sent it to http://www.evildave.com wouldnt evil dave had left on that sentence thats says: “i am george carlin”,and wouldnt he also left on the last sentence: “we need our country back”, but on the other hand, if someone else wrote it, and sent it to evildave and signed it anonymous, dont you think george carlin could take that essay, throw in a couple extra sentences and call it his own?
    sepulboy, that was a good try, but it seems you failed.
    have a nice day :>)

  20. What if the person who stole it (not george carlin) sent it to evildave, for the same reason they posted it here? ie to gain false recognition.

    sepulboy didn’t fail in anything.
    this is a pointless argument because neither of you can prove anything.
    GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

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