It wasn’t that long ago when I was questioning who I am as a person… Why am I such a recognizable individual? You would think by being an individual, I would have no problem making freinds, or meeting new people…
This is the farthest thing from the truth…
I get made fun of, or have some belittlling comment directed towards me at least once every day (if not more)…
I am told by the very few freinds that I have that everyone sees me as “scary” or “a threat to society”… and thus are too afraid to talk to me… Only rarely does it happen that someone new approaches me to talk to me… Most times however its for the reason that they can go back to their freinds to say, “You know that creepy guy in all black, shaved head, wears sunglasses all the time, and wears a trenchcoat? He’s my freind.” Needless to say, I don’t stay freinds with them for very long…
This is the point where I began to look to my past for the answers… This is part of my beliefs, any question about the present or future have their answers in the past… I relived those painful childhood memories all over again… and I saw how my so-called “peers” comments contributed to me drawing myself away from society, moving into the role of “the creepy guy” that everyone had in school… You know what I am talking about, you too had a creepy guy, think about it… You’ll see her/his face if you try, or maybe you don’t see her/him… If this is the case, you should likely look in a mirror… This suited me fine, at least this way I had some power…
But I don’t like it one bit… I don’t enjoy being segregated away from the “norm”… there are days when there is nothing I want in the world more than to be one of the “shiny happy people”… I just want some freinds who truly understand what it is like to be me…
But, I am getting slightly off topic here…
Back to explaining about the “wolf” thing…
Society is made up of two things… The Leaders, and their Followers… The Shepards and their flock of Sheep… But if the Shepards tell their sheep to shun me, what would that make me? I have no flock of my own, so I am not a shepard… I don’t follow all the rules that society presents to me… (look at my nicname for example) so I can’t be a sheep…
So in this use of metaphors, not beong a shepard or a sheep, and having the shepards warn their sheep of me, that must mean I am a wolf…
A wolf. I live outside of society’s bubble… I often see the sheep as victoms, or even toys at times…
And now I hunt, endlessly, never ceasing… I hunt for that perverbial “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” I have found a few, I open their eyes to the possibilities, we become freinds, but there’s a problem, the same one, every single time, they always turn out the same way in the end… A “Lone Wolf” they are happy to be alone, and so they move on, they move away… and I am left alone again, me the lone member of a pack, I seek companoinship, a pack…
And so I continue my hunt, forever seeking a freind who is like me… who understands me… who wants to be with me… who also searches for a freind…
I tire of the hunt, it is so exhausting, my mynde (as opposed to mind) is taking the punishment my heart can no longer withstand… I fear what would happen if I were to stop hunting… I won’t stop though, I can’t…
Though it is such a small fragment now…
I HAVE FAITH!!!
There is a lot of understanding here and freinds if you want them. You have reached and that is a good start.Dont worry about the ones who judge,they’re not worth your time.
Society fears what it does not understand and this is why you the leaders warn their sheep away.
If they can not fully grasp what faces them they will turn away to something they know well. Don’t let their narrow minded fears pen you in. There are so many other wolves out there, not all of them recognise themselves even in the mirror. What you have done by finding yourself and where you stand in the world is excellent. It may bring you down but now you will be able to move on and find the understanding that others owe you. If they cannot except you now for what you are then they aren’t worth being excepted by.
Others will find you if you look and they will be the same as you. I don’t mean just other wolves, but people reaching out and hunting down the others “scary people” to be friends with.
There are so many waiting to give you understanding…just be patient and you will see.
i understand where you’re coming from, but like how the other person commented, there are a lot of people here who understand you.
the best thing is that you haven’t given up faith, that’s the best thing you can do.
i really liked how you used the wolf as a metaphor, it was like i was reading a story, one with no ending, but hope.
-ele.