I hate my life. My life sucks. Just…READ….
My life sucks, and I’m finding no real reason to live it. I hate just about everything that
goes on, since the things I enjoy are things I’m told to not enjoy, or at least are largely
considered a waste of my time. Now, this leaves the question, what the fuck am I planning
to do about this.
I can’t up and kill myself, since that’s so goddamn taboo these days that people would
think I actually had a serious problem or something, and I’m sure everyone I know would
try and find some reason to blame themselves for it, feel guilty, and in general be
miserable. And I don’t want that.
I can’t change my life since A.) I’m a teenager who has no control over the major aspects
of his life B.) I have no motivation since I’ve convinced myself everything is just
amazingly stupid anyway and C.) I’m lazy.
I can’t change the world since I’m just some stupid kid from urban-to-the-bone, poverty
stricken and generally ignored Oakland, in a world that, as I previously stated, I’ve
convinced myself is absolutely batty. Basically, I’m infinitesimally small compared to
this small, small, tiny, globalized and scared shitless planet, not to mention the huge,
giant, blackish thing with white dots sitting there like fucking beacons telling us to
hurry the fuck up, they’ve only been waiting since the beginning of time, and drive the
point home by showing us some photons that are infinitly older than you are.
I can never achieve my ideals since they are atheism and anarchy, the former being
impossible to prove to myself, the latter being impossible because, well, people as a
whole are ignorant, greedy, ambitous, jackholes who inherintly don’t give a flying fuck
for eachother.
I was thinking about going and living alone like that Therou guy, but decided that’s just
a bloody stupid idea, since isolating myself from the world will just make my contempt for
it grow.
I’ve talked to enough shrinks to kill a goat, but the bastards can’t seem to brainwash me
as well as they do others, and their little routines just don’t make sense to me. WHAT THE
FUCK DOES MY SISTER HAVE TO DO WITH HOW THE WORLD IS GODDAMN INSANE!?!?!?! NO, I WONT CALM
DOWN, GODDAMNIT!!!
I could just sit back and laugh, but that would get me kicked out of school and spur on
more visits to the bastards who seem to have an unhealthy interest in my sister, by way of
my parents. And this would again make my parents think they did something wrong and they
would go casting about for ways to say sorry, lets go get some ice cream, and shit will be
just peachy from now on.
Lately I’ve been trying to get arrested without acutally hurting anyones feelings, just to
throw a curve ball to those fucking shrinks, and maybe to give myself something to do for
a few days. But ocifer, the sign was behind a bush! No, don’t give me a goddamn warning,
book me, Dan-O!
I cast about for attention and for people to say, ‘It’ll all be ok”, just so I can argue
with them about how it wont. That’s probably what this whole post is about.
I’ve tried talking to people, since I really do like to talk, but I found that I really
hate talking to people.
I’m about 1 more day of pounding headaches, boredom and shame, and a papercut away from
admitting there is a god, and that it hates me.
I’m a stuipid, useless, and utterly boring piece of garbage that wants direction, but I
wont be bothered to deal with it myself. I can’t do good at school, since I don’t give a
shit. I can’t make friends, since I’m antisocial. I can’t fall in love, since I find it
utterly rediculous. I can’t do something about any of this, since the world is insane. Hey,
I can play a mean game of Civ II, but, when all’s accounted for, I’m horrible at just about
everything else in life. Even Civ III.
And if I’m expected to enjoy this ride…