I regret

I wish I had been honest. I wish I hadn’t lied to him or anyone for that matter. But now that I have I must pay for it. And man does it hurt.

I have been friends with Ayla for almost 8 years, since 5th grade. She and I have been through some tough shit together. Most of it hers. I was with her when she was thinking about killing herself, I was with her when her parents were going through an ugly divorce, I was with her when the kids at her school were trashing her. I was with her whenever she needed me. And she was there for me.

When high school started our friendship didn’t change all that much. We still talked an aweful lot. Sure we were aquiring new friends and starting to develope personalities that were somewhat different. But hey everyone’s gotta group up. We saw each other a lot. At my football games or at her choir concerts or going shopping or to the movies. We even used to horse back ride together until I quite because school was taking up more time. Point being that even though we were at different schools we still talked and were still very close.

We became so close we started calling each other’s mothers mom, and told everyone that we were sisters. It was pretty much true. During the summer we practically lived at each other’s houses.

Then last year after my school’s fall play I introduced Ayla to a new friend of mine named Rick. He’s tall, I don’t know if you’d call him cute, I certainly don’t think of him that way, he’s got a crazy personality. He’s the more colorful friend in the bunch. But he’s still cool. I really regret ever introducing them. Ayla and Rick seemed to hit it off pretty well. They even made out when we went back to Ayla’s house after the play to crash.

After the sleep over at Ayla’s I talked to Rick and asked him if he was going to start dating Ayla. He said no, that he was just fooling around and having fun. I asked if Ayla felt the same way and he said he didn’t know. I told him to talk to her and to make sure that everything was ok with her, that I didn’t want her to feel like he had used her in anyway. He said he’d do it eventually and I told him that if he didn’t do it soon or if he hurt her I’d drop him as a friend. ::You must understand Ayla was like a sister to me and he had to know that she came first as a friend, it’s a matter of loyalty:: Well of course Rick talked to her and everything was fine. Everybody was happy.

The year went by in a flash like most school years, you don’t even see the end of the year til the last month and then realize that you don’t have a lot of time left. Ayla and weren’t talking as much as we used to but we still talked a lot considering we go to different schools, and we still saw each other whenever we could. There was always the summer.

This year was different. We were barely speaking to each other. We weren’t mad at each other, I figured it was just because we both had lives and were busy with them.

My homecoming dance was coming up and my best guy friend Jon asked me to go with him. I really wanted to get Ayla into the dance because she had come the year before and we had had a great time. So I asked my friend Rob if he would take her and he said no problem. He wanted to show his ex-girlfriend to fuck off and this would be a sure way to do it.

The day of the dance. Things went great. Ayla and I looked awesome. Our dates looked handsome. We had many blinding pictures taken by our mothers. And pretty flowers that scratched our hands. Dinner was a complete success. Every payed, no one skipped out on the bill. ::This was a group of 14 people so we had reason to worry about the check believe me::

We get to the dance and the music sucked. Of course, its a Catholic high school what do you want? I looked over every once and a while to make sure that Ayla was having a good time because I knew that she didn’t know Rob very well. They seemed to be getting along great. At one point during the dance I looked over at the two of them and they were kissing, and I thought “well at least they like each other and are having a good time.”

A few days after the dance Rob said that he was really interested in Ayla and wanted to ask her out but wasn’t sure if she liked him. I told him that I didn’t know. ::I really didn’t, Ayla and I hadn’t talked since the dance and she hadn’t said anything before she left to go home:: So Rob took matters into his own hands and went to visit her at work. He spent some time there with her to get a feel of whether or not she liked him. Then, because Rob has music practice at Ayla’s school and Ayla was at a football game while he was practicing he thought he’d find her car and leave her a nice note. The note said something about “hey how are you? I was in the neighborhood and I forgot to give you my SN. Talk to you soon.”

Well Ayla had Rick over at her house and told him that she was getting creeped out by Rob. That she thought he was kinda stalking her. She started ignoring his phone calls.

Then Rob saw Rick one day somewhere and Rick told Rob that Ayla didn’t like the stalking thing and kinda crushed him.

I was kinda angry with Rick for telling Rob because it wasn’t his place to do so. But I was so very dissapointed in Ayla because she didn’t have the guts to just tell Rob that she wasn’t interested in dating him. I mean all she had to do was say I’m sorry I just don’t want a boyfriend right now, she didn’t have to do the chicken shit thing and ignore him and hurt him.

Side note::Now mind you I haven’t talked to Ayla this whole time all this shit is going on between her and Rob. I’ve been finding it out from Rob and from one phone call from Rick.::

Well in the mean time I’m starting to plan my Halloween party. Usually every Halloween Ayla and I get together because it’s just tradition and you don’t mess with tradition. It’s my mom’s birthday too. Anyways. I’m plannnig this party and a few of us had decided that we shouldn’t invite Rick bacause at parties he gets to wild and can be really really offensive to people. So one night I get this call from Rick saying that he’s heard that I’m having a party on Halloween, and that he heard it from Jon. I paniked, I honestly wasn’t sure what to say. So I lied. I told him that Jon was on some kind of crack and that I wasn’t having a party, that my little annoying cousins were coming over to trick-or-treat and that it was my mom’s b-day. Which isn’t all together untrue. But I regret the lie.

Well this past Saturday I got a call from Rick and he was fuming mad at me. He found out from Ayla that I was having my party and that I had lied to him because no one wants him there. He was saying that I wasn’t a good friend and that friends don’t lie. Well we kinda left the conversation at that.

The next morning I got a text message on my cell phone from Ayla saying “I’m not coming to Halloween because you’re being a 2 year old” ::by the way that’s a quote:: The message had been sent a half hour after I had hung up with Rick.

So I called Ayla to try to resolve this. I really didn’t understand how it was any of her business, that it’s just between me and Rick, not her, but whatever. I called her. When she called me back today at play practice I was asking her why I was 2 year old and she said that it’s because I don’t know how to handle situations when they come up. ::this from the girl who couldn’t even pick up the phone and say no to a guy:: That I shouldn’t have lied. ::again this from a person who was in favor of me not inviting Rick:: When I said that I didn’t want to loose her as a friend over this she didn’t say anything. She said that it was already done, and when I asked what I could do to try to resolve this she said that we’d just have to “ride it out.” < --WTF does that mean? To me it says we'll see, on her terms. When I ended the conversation I broke down and cried, I literally collapsed onto the ground outside my school and started crying. My friends Ashley and Liz came out side and hugged me and were very comforting. Then someone inside told Jon that I was crying and he came out to me immedialtely and I ran to him. I couldn't let him go or I think I would've fallen. ::Just so you don't completely think I deserve all this shit, I know it was stupid and mean to lie to Rick about the party. I should've just told him that no one wanted him at my house, but he would've been hurt either way. I do regret lying to him. Look where it's got me:: I didn't know what to do. I still don't. I've lost my very best friend and it's tearing my up inside. I regret everything. I'm lost. Is this all my fault entirely? My friends and my mom say that she obviously didn't value our friendship that much to put Rick first before me when I've known her a lot longer. Should I be feeling less or more guilt than I already am over this? What should I do now? Help me! I regret. My name is Elizabeth, if you wish to scream at me for being a horrible friend or have advice send it to UnspokenBetrayal@aol.com and please put as the subject something to do with the article so I don’t delete the e-mail. Thank you for whatever you send in advance.