I wish this could be a light and meaningful article, but I’m afraid it won’t be. My mind is so godda*ned numb right now, I don’t even remember my full name clearly.
It came at me as a suprise. I was checking my mail when I learned that a good friend was in a horrible car accident and passed away after surgery. I remember my sister vaguely mentioning that she had been in a car accident, but I was too wound up in my own troubles to even think twice about it.
Her twin sister, one of my best friends, mailed a couple of us who knew her sister well, and told us the bad news. I feel like I want to climb into a hole and never stray from it again. Why did this have to happen? She was so young. It’s unfair. I just want to slit my throat and join her in darkness.
I know that me and her were not the best of friends, but she was one of the very first actual friends that I ever had. Someone I could trust with my life. I used to talk to her just about everyday, but after awhile we kinda slipped away, I haven’t spoken to her in months now. And I fully regret that. I will never forget her. She is my only thought right now, the world could end and I wouldn’t give a good god da*n. It’s like that. Death can do that to a person.
This is the first death that I have experienced where I actually cried for it, and did not just brush it aside, saying, “No matter how I feel it won’t bring _____ back, so why even think about it?” Both of my grandmothers, my great grandfather, great grandmother and father have died in my lifetime. I haven’t shed a tear for them yet. And here I am bawling like a two-year old for someone whom I haven’t talked to in forever.
But, I guess, because I was so afraid to trust anyone, and the twins showed me that I could trust, they gave me hope, laughter, things I had never thought I could gain in a friendship. ______ was, and still is, one of the most important people in my life, I don’t care if we had only talked once, the feeling would of been the same.
I guess I am just trying to get out some of my grief here. My mom, cousin, and sister are all saying the same things, ” I’m sorry”. ect.ect.ect. it doesn’t work though. I feel really angry. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! SHE SHOULDN’T OF DIED! IT’S NOT F*CKING FAIR, GODDA*N IT!
I just had to get that out of me, otherwise I might in fact go a bit mad. I think I shall end this for now. I just want to be alone for awhile.. Actually, what I want more than anything is for _______ to call me, laughing and tell me it was a mistake she isn’t dead after all. But, since I don’t think that will be happening, ( Although, I pray, I pray, I pray. Please, let this be a dream.. A really bad nightmare… That is all.. It can’t be real… It can’t… Not ____… No… ) that hole is looking better and better. I might just crawl in there now. At least in solitude I can have my grief, without people and their da*ned sympathy.
So, I submit this in loving memory of _________… We’ll all miss her dearly, ecspecially _______ her darling twin sister, whom I hope will handle this better than I am.
That’s all for now.. Look for responses.
*&~TwiggY~&*
I know nothing I can say will make the pain go away for you, nor do I think you’d ever want that pain to go away completely.
But I will say that you are right it isn’t fair, not many things are fair in life and its something crushing we all are forced to deal with at some point.
I cannot offer anything but my sympathy for you, her and her other loved ones, that and a ear if you ever feel the need to talk to someone.
You can reach me at:
FlamesAshes@cs.com
AIM: DyreAngyl
Love and hugs
-SethDA9
I know exactly how you feel. But in my case it was my best friends sister that died. It happened on December 18th, 1998. I was at work and things were great. I then got home and and hour later my best friend Melissa came over and told me what happend her sister Amy only 15 killed herself. Amy was like a little sister I never had, she was close to me and she was always sad. I never knew she was so sad. We found out she was bisexual and that no one liked her for it. I wish that she could have talked about it. She told me and I told her that I too was bi. She felt better knowing she was not the only one. But something saddened her more than just difference and I to this day wish I knew exactly why she did it. I scream. I was the only one who cried at the funeral. I felt like saying DAMMIT PEOPLE WHY DON’T YOU FU*KING CRY????? I just cried and screamed. To me it is not fair that she is gone. 15 is to young. I know the pain I have seen 3 friends of mine die 2 of whome were murdered. I feel the pain every day. I know that dark hole we all want to crawl into. I often feel that way, if the world were to end I could care less. But we cannot feel this way forever. We have to find something that will make us overcome death. I know you will be hurting, all I can say is, why don’t you write what you feel in a letter. It seems silly but write to her and tell her you miss her. She may be dead but I know she will be with you forever. If you ever need to talk by all means write to me. I wish you well and I hope that you will be able to overcome this. Live for her and tell her you miss her. I hope that I have given you some good thought. Bless you.
Always,
Serena
All I can say is this… Thank you guys so much.. I really needed to hear that right now.. At least I know now that someone out there has felt the same way I feel right now, and that thought alone is comforting.. I know that nothing will take the total pain away, but, reading your responses helped lift some of it off. Thank you so much.
Love always,
*&~Twiggy~&*
When i was 17 one of my friends was shot and killed on new years eve. His death marked a point in my life that now at 21 i am still dealing with. Over the years things did get better, but the pain does not go away. At his funeral one of my friends told me “you never know just what you have until you lose it.” how right he was.
If you need someone to talk to, my email is faet55@darksites.com
Sad as it is, I do not have any similar history that would allow me to feel your pain, not because my life is a happy field where joy forever dwells, but because there are so few people that I trust and appreciate and that I feel close enought to feel grief for their disapearance. I guess its a major flaw of mine, but to feel grief you must feel love. Your grief however terrible is a proof of your capacity for love, something that you should feel fortunate for. Most people dont really know what that feels.
We are not equiped to express such strong emotions
thats why we are so tongued-tied when we are at funerals or at any other important events of our lives.
But the letter ritual is a very useful one. The great thing with that is that you can repeat it as many time as you need to. In Asia, they write letters to the dead and then they burn them on an open fire so that the ashes fly up into the heavens and the departed can read it. As with any other ritual, it must be performed with intent so that it is effective. You should eventually be able to wash away that grief. But the trick is to deal with it. Of course its painful, but that pain is a reminder that you are still alive.
well it’s really hard to find the right words to say when thease things go down, but as for the hope of your grieving period to ease i wish you luch and fear it’s best that i can do, buh bye and pie
I don’t have any idea what to say in reply. Please accept my deep condolences. They’re all I have to offer.