It can’t be done

No matter how hard I try.. I can’t express myself darkly and keep the Christian faith at the same time.. it’s tearing me apart.. They are both part of me. I wonder if anyone else knows this confusion. No.. anger. It’s the anger of being brought up in a world full of Bibles, growing up, and then left to bleed in a world of darkness. It’s the anger of not being able to be myself and the please the One who is said to save me when this flesh is gone. I’m fixing to just say ‘screw it all’.. I don’t want to have to do that.. so if anyone has something to say.. anything from insight to remorse, let me know.

By Valis

I am Valis. That is all I know. I still do not fully understand myself or my dark tendencies. In the end I hope to find my true desires and aims. But until then, I am simply Valis.


  1. I too was raised in the Catholic faith, but lived in a house full of darkness and violence. Maybe that has made it easier for me to be cynical of the teachings, but then I always had skeptcial views when I heard things that just didn’t make any sense in those teachings. The contradictions became too blaring, and made the whole thing laughable, and so I loosely studied other religious formats, and from all this culled what made sense to me. I turned to my own heart for answers, and I developed my own morality and beliefs. These do not interfere with a secular existence, and at the same time give me hope for a better future as the world hopefully marches onward in the same direction, to be sure a very slow process, but there will always be darkness, which is also the light of reality and truth, because life is not about goody-two-shoeness, it is about facing oneself in the mirror and saying I know I am the best person I can be, and no book written by too many people over too many years and guided by too many misguided people bent on political paths is going to defeat my sense of purpose and resolve of heart.
    Not a very technical response, but I hope that helped a little, at least with the conscious side of contradiction of belief.
    On a more technical side, all that white against black (light against dark) stuff is all just very general symbolism, and hardly accurate at all. The Catholic Church would like to believe — or more accurately, like any propagandist organization, have its followers believe — that it is pure and holy, but it has destroyed more lives and civilizations in the centuries of its existence than Nazism could even hope to. It’s your choice if you want to be a part of that kind of hypocrisy, which is enough to send me runnng for cover under a pagan blanket of more natural beliefs any day.

  2. I know it seems a contridiction but it is not really. It is the Church that makes it seem so. Can you be more specific as to what you see as a contridiction. I can acutally indicate parts of the bible which redress it.

  3. Well, I too have found conflicts between my inner darkness and religion, as I too was raised Catholic. Catholicism embodies hypocrisy in the fullest-example: god’s chosen people killing each other in the old testament, for a start. It also doesn’t give women the role we deserve, and don’t give me that virgin mary crap. i will not pray to a goddamn virgin! anyway, i tried to salvage my faith, but the religious retreat i went on nailed the coffin shut on that. I dabbled in Wicca, mainly because of the female aspect of their deity, but came to realize I don’t believe there’s anything out there, male, female or otherwise. Atheism is difficult (no big party in the sky, no meeting up with old friends who died before you) but it’s what I really can live with, and really believe. For you…I suggest researching other religions. It’s interesting, and enlightening, and you might find something for you. Also, Catholicism is pretty dark if you think about it-their symbol is a naked dead guy on a cross, and they drink his blood and eat his body every sunday. But good luck-and don’t expect it to be easy. My parents still make me go to church every sunday and say grace before dinner, and I go to Catholic school, which is a bundle of fun. But it’s worth it, because I’ve found what’s right for me.

  4. Yes I know what you’re talking about. I am a Christian and have been part fo the Gothic culture for years now. WHile I don’t feel that there is any inherent contradiction between Christianity and Goth I am completely disillusioned with Christians and the way in which they conduct themselves.
    I guess I just came to the conclusion that Christians are but mere human beings who have succumbed to the don’t-think-for-yourself syndrome. When you identify Christianity/Christ with Christians then it is all too tempting to gove up all faith. When you look beyond the imperfections of Christians its a lot easier. Well that’s just how I feel.

  5. Say screw it to organized religions. I was raised methodist in a house with an athiest and a doormat for parents. When doormat started to turn into mom, all hell broke lose. It was hard, hiding in my room while the people that were the center of my world screamed at eachother. I’m sure my bro will aggree, hi squirt.

    We have a few beliefs in common, but not many, we both had to cope in our own ways. and we both dislike organized religion….the number of hypocrits they attract is amazing.

    but no, dont say screw it all,take what you believe is true, and keep it. lose what you don’t and dont bother to worry about what the rest of us think.

    thats how we ended up in this mess in the first place.


  6. just study the origin of Curstianity you’ll not only find contradictions but, you’ll find many other religions it stole from. hence showing you pretty much that it’s all bs.
    If it were all true it would never conform w/ time.

  7. But first you have to purge yourself of your self hatred.

    Then you have to look at how you define the word “dark.” (Don’t do this until after you’ve got rid of the self hatred.) What is dark within you that seems neutral or even positive? What is there that you must struggle against?

    By the way, it’s a fallacy to see Christianity as fluffy-bunny whiteness. Jesus had a black temper. He had this tendency to brood and to get violent when he got fed up with hypocrisy – read your Gospels sometime if you don’t believe me – and whatever life he led, he certainly died a dark and horrible death. And that too must be faced if you really want to be Christian. He was tortured to death by political thugs. He knew what was coming, and he was terrified of it.

    The long dark night of the soul is as much a part of the Goth thing as anything else. Hmm. What a fortuitous choice of words. Try reading an early Christian goth, St John of the Cross, if you want inspiration on how to reconcile your darker parts with your less dark parts. (His book of meditations is called _The Long Dark Night Of The Soul_, which is why I just remembered him)

    Finally, something for you to ponder: just where did your darkness come from, anyway? Think about that. It has to be there for a reason. Denying it will not do you any good. You were made the way you are for a reason.

  8. Oh yes… Thank you for putting it so well. I agree with this reply, and I don’t think I could put it any better. It’s not Christianity that is lacking, but the shallowness of people that makes it seem so… *sighs* Yeah. Fluffy-bunny. Christianity is not fluffy-bunny, not the real thing. I get tired, too, of people who want to ban a book because it has something “bad” in it. I keep thinking, gee, then maybe you ought to ban the Bible while you’re at it. It has all of that and worse in it.

    Anyway, that’s enough. If I try to say more, I’ll end up preaching, and I hate preaching. I get diarrhea of the mouth and who needs that? Heheh. But for what it’s worth, I consider myself a Christian, in as much as I believe in God and I believe in Jesus, and I believe in the Bible. Beyond that, there’s an awful lot up for interpretation. I know what I believe – but one of the things that I believe most wholeheartedly is that none of us really KNOW anything. I figure a lot of what I believe is wrong, but it’s what works for me right now, and I’ll adjust it as needed. But at least I’m willing to realize when I have something wrong. Stay honest with yourself, and don’t give up. Just keep asking him to hang onto you and show you the way, because it’s hard and you’ll never find it without his help anyway.

    Ugh. See? diarrhea of the mouth. I’m done. Bye!
    hehehe 🙂

  9. Ah, yes I admit thats a valid point, but no one can force me to change my beliefs.

    If this makes no sense, i’m buzzing from a couple rum and cokes just now.

    happy new years!

  10. I agree. The Bible itself is not very light hearted. I too am of the same faith, but I find it quite easy to tap into the darker side of life. The trick for me is not to tap into the darkness within, but rather the darkness around me. It normally takes something with a considerable amount of depth to trigger the “transformation” … Alternate/Goth music, movies or a book. You may not be dark by nature of your faith, but the world is not light by nature of humanity.

  11. But the purging is vital. THEN start filling it in. Kind of like running a “Defrag” program on you soul.

  12. there’s always something missing there..out there in all these Catholic faith thats not cut out for me..i believe in that sttrong feeling that there is SOMEONE out there far greater than us..there are just too many contradictions in the Catholic religion that its just so..not viable..phony even.Darkness doesnt mean evil..all these dogmas are not even written by the God but by humans..have you seen “Stigmata”? yeah, it was just a movie but those things happen in reality.. its not important that you have religion..historically speaking religion is pure was just needed for balance in the society..
    what is important is can only be the one who can save yourself..i mean i actually respect those people who are devotees of the said religion, i mean..I ADMIRE their integrity and faith.but absolutely no one can dictate to me what to believe if i dont accept it, so should you.
    you are not alone in this…if questioning the Catholic church makes us all sinners..well,lets all burn in hell.
    Blessed Be.

  13. Faith in God is not faith in the Catholic Church. There are more diversities of faith within the church itself, than there are religions oposing Christianity.

    Neither do you have to belong to any of these varied churches to have faith.

    Faith is simply to believe in something (God in this case) that you can not identify by any of your other senses. Since the church is something tangible, it can not be regarded as something to have faith in, unless you refer to “church” as beings of the same or similar faith instead of buildings and doctrines and rituals and the pope.

  14. There are plenty more ways to be a Christian (or to have faith in any sort of higher power or logic) than to walk lockstep with the dogmas of the Catholic church. Heck, not even all Catholics believe the dogma that they are taught.

    Are you a Wiccan because of sincere belief in the religion, or because you want to rebel against being raised Catholic? I hope it’s because of the former. Because if it’s the latter, I have bad news for you. You can’t escape. As long as you rebel, you drag your past around like a ball and chain.

  15. I am a born-again christain. I have studied all reglions and spent time with people from all walks of life.I have done lots of drugs and had the most wild sex with all kinds of people but in the end Jesus is where its at.Believe me.The truth .The way and the light. Try him, he will never let you down.

  16. JESUS???
    so what if you’ve had sex with all sorts of people, (who hasnt), so what if you’ve spent 100 years with a bunch of religious fanatics(who hasnt?)

    you dare advice the poor soul in distress, let them make up their mind, decide which is the best way for them, or show them what you mean by saying jesus is the truth and all that crap…….

    i aint laughing at your faith, i just think you should know better


  17. If there’s anything I’ve seen in human nature, it’s that converts to ANY religion always start out as zealous evangelists for their new faith (like children who play constantly with a new Christmas toy) and are often bitter critics of whatever it was they gave up.

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