I love her…with all of my heart. Not this teen “puppy love” bullshit… I cannot stop thinking about her. Being in her mere presence makes me so happy, like everything in the world is well, she makes me forget how much i hate myself, how much i hate life, how depressed i once was.
But yet, the more i think about it, the more i think about her… the more i realize how much it is going to kill me when she ends it…and it will happen. I adore her, but there is only so much of my shit that a person can take, and she’s already taken a whole lot of it. Everyone else is shocked at just at the fact that she is with me at all, me being the school goth, and her being a normal blonde girl. We are an odd couple…but it’s still so right. I have a history of episodes, where i break down completely into tears, lashing out at everyone, yelling screaming, breaking anything that i come into contact with no matter what it’s significance is to me. I do not realize the damage that is done until after the fact, when it’s too late. A good example was my ex girlfriend…she doesn’t even compare to this one…she broke up with me because she couldn’t handle it…she couldn’t take my darkness, my depression, my need for someone to understand, and when it ended i fell hard. And when I look back on that night, and i think about what that did to me, I get scared. I get scared of what will happen this time. She is the reason why I am still here right now, she means everything to me. I would kill for her, I would kill myself for her… I grow tired of this. She is better off without me… It is not right for me to corrupt her this way, make her mind as foul as my own… I will save us both much pain and suffering. So I walk to my basement. My dark basement that has been so good to me over those hard times, where i sat and contemplated existence day in and day out. And i sit there and put on a cd that will soothe me while i reflect on our times together. Some music that reminds me of her. So I sit. I bring out my little blade. A tool that has also been most kind to me over those dark days. I don’t waste anytime, I drag the knife up one vein then the other. and alternate arms slowly as i begin to cry. I cry thinking of her. All the feelings I have for her, that will now be ever imbedded in my mind. I bring the knife to my throat and drag it across. One last tear falls and before I completely fade away I sputter out……. I love you…