1driv•el “dri-v€l vb -eled or -elled; -el•ing or -el•ling 1 : DROOL, SLAVER 2 : to talk or utter stupidly, carelessly, or in an infantile way — driv•el•er n

2drivel n : NONSENSE


Every day I feel like a Kiosk. As I walk down the streets people stop their car and lean out their windows like idiots and ask me for directions. How should I know? I don’t even drive a car. In fact I usually think to myself, “Why do these people think they deserve a favor from someone like me?” More accurately, what is this feeling of obligation I always get to actually help these people out?

It must be those subliminal media “Do-Good” commercials I’ve been seeing at the movie theaters. No this is funny. They’re like these public announcement type messages, and they’re a joke! Let me tell you: the first one I saw is this kid watching his dad play ball at minor league, or corporate league baseball, whatever. He’s all rooting for dad, but he slides for home base and the ump calls him out. Bad break. Kid’s a real fan of his dad, even wearing a little jersey and everything. So anyways, they go home and grandpa’s got truck problems. So of course Dad goes and helps out and ruffles the kids hair or something and smiles. Then they play their little slogan, something to the tune of “Favors: it makes for a better world.” Or some superficial garbage like that.

Now when I saw this, I’m thinking to myself a couple of things. For one the kid looks bummed out. Kind of like how dad’s always at the bar or off doing his own thing all the time and completely ignoring the family things, like dinner, especially the kid. Also it really wasn’t too happy, a total tragedy story. Dad lost the game, grandpa’s truck is broken down, and the kid had this grumbling frown at the end. But most importantly the whole point of this huge waste of money is to make me do favors for people?!?! What a joke!

But there’s more! For some reason this is starting to turn into a “brain on drugs” series. The latest one is this pudgy guy carrying entirely too many packages. (Probably a bunch of pipe bombs, who knows.) And this old lady is going up the steps to her door, but this guy goes “Hold on let me get that for you.” So he runs up the steps, while fumbling all his packages and opens the door for granny. But then of course, a bunch of people come out, also. (I’m gathering this is an apartment?) And suddenly he becomes Mr. Doorman. The last quirp is the slogan of course, and the pudgy guy dropping all his packages.

Moral of the story? Give someone a free favor and you don’t get one back, possibly even at a loss to yourself. Big warm fuzzy feeling for doing your “duty”. Possibly. But this is my Kiosk issue. Let me tell you.

All the years I’ve lived my life, and I need help, what do I get? Nothing. So basically I learned not to expect it. When I have sought help, what did I get? Some phrase like “Oh sorry, cant help you.” Or even evil treatment, especially when it comes to public restrooms. “Sorry, only for customers.” Or worse. “Sorry, only for employees.” My conclusion is that society just isn’t about favors. Its going to cost you something. And do people make you pay. Possibly even set you up. Who knows. Hell. I think one day I was trying to bum a freaking cigarette because the nearest place to get cigarettes that was open was a half-mile away, and it was Sunday, so the usual places were closed. Not only did I find out nobody smoked, yet lit up after you walked a block past them; but people had “just bummed” a smoke off of someone, yet this mysterious person bumming them out were nowhere to be seen. And its times like this I would gladly pay a quarter.

So back about me… when people ask me for advice or directions, or smokes, or favors, or whatever, I’ve got this thing. I like to fuck with people. In this miserable rotting human condition of a planet (I’ll get more into that another article.) one of my few humors is to have a seriously funny, gut busting laugh AT people. I’m not mean, I’ll always let someone know I’m fucking with them. Never to the point of causing violence of course. But humor at the expense of others is always one of my favorites.

Timing: This guy walked down the street in a mad rush having an archetype of people whom I despise. Rich yuppy fuckers who talk on their cells phones endlessly. “I’m too busy.” But this guy had a scowl like he just got slapped by his girlfriend and in returned he punched her in the face. Ironically a minute earlier I broke a smoke and said fuck it, threw it in the gutter and lit another one. Now I was hanging out with some friends who were smoking also, but who does he ask? Me. And not nicely at that. “You got a smoke?”

Hell, I like “Do you have a spare smoke?” better, since I can respond “Nope, I only got 20 in this pack.” Or “Give me a smoke.” The forward demanding technique can be played of by “Here ya go.. no wait… oh here.. um oops.. “ Until they grab it out of your hand. Even “ill give you a quarter for a smoke” or “I need a smoke like no tomorrow.” Is way better than the generic phrase.

So my response: “No, but there’s a broken one in the gutter! I was going to get it but you can have it!” And I add a little flair of hysterics like it was the score of the night. Like a fresh snipe from an ashtray that maybe 2 drags on it before whoever had to run off in a hurry. Of course this caused an uproar from my friends and the guy didn’t bother. Obviously he’s “better than that.”

Confusion: Fuck if I know where everything is in this town. I’ve been here a half-year and as much as I dis on it, I’m surprised I haven’t got my ass kicked. But if anyone wants to defend the lame assed scene downtown, which frankly I think there is none, be my guest. I’d love to have someone “prove” to me that there is a place for someone like me to live it up to the extent I know how.

So my point is that people that have lived here FAR LONGER than me are clueless about where things are. Hell, I’d be happy to be disoriented to the degree some people are. At least it would make things more interesting. And some of the STUPIDIST things I hear. Like which way to the freeway? Come on dumbass, you managed to get here, go back the way you came, unless you’re blind and illiterate and cant read a fucking traffic sign. You know, those blue ones with an arrow and the big number 5? Like I said, I don’t even drive and I could get around better than these jackoffs.

Sometimes I know where things are, sometimes I don’t. But in any case, I’m REALLY GOOD at pretending to know. So I’ll point some shit out, usually say “go down 3 blocks and take a right.” When I know it doesn’t, or turning right goes onto a one-way street. But the best part is you STILL GET THAT WARM FUZZY FEELING, because theyre like “Thanks man!” But the icing on the cake is the laughter, because you know. You fucking KNOW they’re going to drive around the block 3 or 4 times and not get to where they need to go. I almost fucked up once doing this because this guy cussed me out for giving him bad directions when he circled for the 3rd time. (The second I saw him and laughed to myself.)

Denial: It blows someone’s mind when you deny them simple favors. They start thinking, “What the hell did I ever do to you?” But it can create some interesting conversations/arguments. These can get quite crude, but quite frankly, whats in it for me? And I will do this to anyone who in a 5 second character judgement is someone I don’t like. This includes drunken bums, agro crackheads, rich yuppies, golddigging airhead blondes, foreigners who think they aren’t foreign yet cant pronounce my name, people who have crossed me, people who have crossed my friends, moochers, jonesers, free-loaders, … , the list goes on and on. In fact if Im having a crap day, this is usually my technique.

Now a simple polite “no” is the usual response. But mine includes “Hell no”, “Your not cool enough”, “Sorry but it’s a waste of my time”, “Why should I spend my money for your habits?”, “I don’t know ~you~” (sarcastic tone), “I know you wouldn’t do it for me.”, “I only do favors for helpless people, and you’re not helpless.”, “Get a job”, “Fuck off”, “Did I want to talk to you? No!”, “I could read your mind from back there, and no.”

So anyways this makes me out to be a total asshole, yes. But the people I do this to, I could give a fuck about. They’re never going to help me out in any way. And if they ever don’t need help, I know they wouldn’t ever help me. Plus I get ripped off every day. Overpriced bullshit in stores, taxes, the fact I have to pay for trivial shit like an extra 10 minutes on a payphone when 35 cents is overpriced as it is, vending machines, happy hour drinks when the same damn thing costs half that at the store (Im paying for the table Im sitting at – quota you know.). Shit I might as well as pay for the air I breathe. Oh wait, I can. Oxygen bars.

But in any case, I’ve hit rock bottom before, scaping pennies for smokes and eating ramen. So that quarter I give you today might be regret if that day ever comes again. Can we say nic fit/starvation? Believe me, spanging is not something I like doing, and Im not good at it.

Morale: Don’t give into the lame-assed brainwashing techniques of the media/religion. Unless you want to feel like a sap. Unless you want to feel used. Unless you want to slowly but surely get ripped off by others. I am not endorsing being an asshole to everyone. What I am trying to say is that you should use your judgement when you see something on TV or hear some bible thumper ranting. Its not the whole story, and its not reality. I could psycho-analyze it to death, but that would be doing you a favor now, wouldn’t it?

🙂 Felix