Leave Me

(dedicated to those who have shared this Darkness with me)

I remember when I first saw you. I didn’t think you were that special. If someone had told me I’d spend six years of my life with you I’d have laughed. But your mind was enough to keep mine alive, and I’d been looking for that: I was yours from that instant; I just needed to catch up with Fate. You gave my world some colour.

I Sinned. I didn’t see you for who you really were. And you were supposed to love me. We Sinned.

I can’t count how many teeth you’ve knocked out, my mouth is full of blood. It’s all swollen up on one side and you’re laughing. You say I sound like a cartoon character.

I’m reaching for the telephone but you’ve got it and you’re holding it above my head. God how easily I could tear your face to ribbons now, I could twist your balls but you won’t feel it.

God I’m so afraid, the way hitting you is like hitting padded bricks. I never hit another human being before, you’re making me do it, I only want to save my life. I feel sick…

I am sick, on your floor, and now you’re angry. You weren’t angry before – you were doing it for fun, and now you’re angry. I leap back and see in your hands a clump of hair. It’s mine. I crawl back over the broken glass, but I’m like someone who’s drowning. I’m clutching at air, walls, furniture and holding on to nothing, and you come at me again. Now my head is in the pillow and my screaming is annoying you. I’m not screaming anymore, there’s a strange noise coming out of me, it’s like an animal, it’s bleating, a hoarse sound. I’m in the nightmare where you open your mouth and only croaking comes out. And now there’s a dull click. It’s my neck. The last sound I will ever hear will be the sound of my own neck breaking.

You release the pressure. You’ve passed out again. I’m going to find something to slit your fucking throat with – if only I wasn’t shaking out of control. No, I’ll call the police: I’ll call an ambulance, oh God this isn’t real. I’m made of stone.

I look at my hands and there they are: the cuts of self-defence. I read about this and stupidly I never thought it would happen to me. I didn’t even feel them, I can hardly feel them now. I can’t see out of my eye. You’re awake again. You’re going to kill me. I’m going to die like this. How can you smile? How can you laugh? Oh God don’t let me die like this, not like this! Not for you!

You’re supposed to love me.