Roll up a dollar and do your lines. Pack a bowl and take the bong hits. Down those happy pills with your hells bells and you’ve got instant WHORE on your hands. Speed isn’t enough. Glass isn’t enough. K isn’t enough. You can only go so low. Now bleeding isn’t enough. looking for something more potent. something that will fuck you up so bad.
i found it. I was sitting on Brian’s bed. Next thing i remember im standing in a puddle of water up to my ankles, in a bra and baggy pants while the rain fell like nothing i’d ever felt on my skin before. I saw fish being swallowed up by tiny vortexes in the water. I spoke to things that didn’t exist. I can’t rmemeber how i got home. All i know is i what i hear.
“your knocked over the speakers and and wrapped them to the barbells with the cord from the controls. You picked up the weights and dropped them. You were talking jibberish. You paced and mumbled to yourself. I had to take the phone away from you. I had to hid the knives. You wouldn’t stop screaming.”
I can recall nothing. My eyes are still white and vision blurred in the left eye. i fucked up bad. couldnt eat for two weeks. i still throw up everything and i piss like a horse. It’s not all in good fun. Motivated by boredome and have nothing to lose. i’m still bleeding and the clots are sticking to my sleeves. i don’t have the heart to tell Brian. And Ivan is too new to all the bullshit. Don’t wanna hurt him. but he’ll find out sooner or later…
it’s getting serious. I can’t hide from them anymore. They keep coming back…push them away when i’m awake, but they now follow me into sleep and attack in dreams so everything seems so real…i still sleep with the knife under my pillow. i though those days were gone. I hate drugs. They make me sick everytime i do it…but i do it…and can’t regret. Always caught. System can’t touch me…not anymore. I saw her body being carried down the stairs. So beautiful…now she’s gone. her first time too. Everyone’s gone. away from this sickening place where you find people sleeping in their own feces in every alley and streams of urine replace precious water. This is NOT a crack-house
…it’s a crack-home.
Damn you for ever believeing in me. Don’t you look stupid now. I don’t need your money, i want your drugs. Fuck you. Fuck you harder. And those are words of love. Cause i love you means fuck you. Cause no one can ever know how we were when it was just us. Just two girls living, learning, and loving. Broken apart by silly boys. We’re still dirty. Shut the fuck up and get your head out of your ass. It’s all your fault. User. Abuser. Quit crying wolf. The tears of an addict fall in vain. Shut the fuck up and cut. Stop crying cause there’s no one here to give you pity. We’re all numb by the snow. I can’t cry for you. So dead. Leave me alone. I wish i’d never met you. but it was meant to be. I loved you once. Never again darling. Never again. I let you down too many times and i’ll not let you be a fool any more. You’ll die soon. So sweet and wrong. You’ll be missed by only those who could stand to love you. Fare warning sweet child. Let go. Let go. Push it all away and let it all fucking go.