The idea of my short years seems unbearable. I cannot think of anything but death. Life has no point, and as a child, I feel as if I have run out of time. What is the true purpose of me being here? Is there one, or maybe I’m just here to waste a few good human organs that were given to me as a birth right. People are so fake, and I no longer have the will to put up with them. Sure, some people really do care about you up to a point, but after that, they just want to be rid of you. All I’ve ever wanted out of life was love, and that is the one thing that I will never receive.
I open my eyes every morning to see that the sun has risen from the horizon, and I do not have the power in my mind to tell my body to get up and get ready for a whole new day. No matter how hard I’ve tried, I cannot make the darkness of the night last longer. I have no shield to cover my tears in the mornings from human eyes. I feel truly alone even if I am in a room full of people. What is the answer that I am looking for? I believe that I am lost in an ocean. An ocean that has been created by my own tears. There are a few things to look forward to in my life such as wealth and power, and that is all that I am living for. The books that surround me open an entirely new world for my mind to walk through.
Closing my eyes seems harder than it used to be. I no longer want to sleep so that the nights will last longer. Or maybe I fear not wanting to ever open them again. The rising of the sun means the setting of my heart. I am a different person by day. I am the kind of person that hides behind my smile in public, and keep my eyes shining no matter how much I want to drown them in my tears. Looking out my window, I see cars and people passing by, and I think to myself that they are merely fools that have no real worries in life. Or maybe they do, but they hide it as well as I do. As humans, do we all go through this pain, or are some of us so lucky that they have everything they could ever ask for even if we see them to not have anything? Yes, some men have all the money and power in the world, yet they have not had a smile upon their face for so long that they cant even remember how it feels anymore.
Fascination is created through seeing things that you would regularly not see in your ordinary day. I have to wake up and get ready every morning just to be fascinated. Even the flow of water in the shower amazes me. Everything that is once pure gets ruined as it steps into the real world. The first time the water drips while it is raining, it is clean and clear, but as it hits the street, it is no longer what it used to be, yet it is now ruined and it will never be what it was. The same analogy can be used for us. We are born and we are free or mortal sins until we are old enough to commit them. We take life one day at a time, and make mistakes in order to experience the things that are offered to us.
I am still young, and am sure that I have seen enough to know that the world is not the best place to be. I look all around and see change, and how people ruin the world. Of course we are needed in order to improve our surroundings, but can any of you truly say that you have never said you’ve hated somebody just because they were themselves? Just because they did something a certain way all the time, and this irritated you? I have a lot of people I can say these kinds of things about, but then there a lot of good things that I can also say about them.
For example, there is something that I am going to share with you right now, at this very moment while you take another breath of oxygen through your nose or mouth so that your lungs can survive. This way you can stay in this world, and not have to worry about death. What I want to tell you is that there is no way to change how people see life. As I am sure, most of the world believes in god. I know I do, yet I have doubts that build up in my mind at times. My eyes have never been laid upon a figure that was known to me as god. I have never spoken to him and received and immediate answer. Yet, I still believe that he is high up in clouds watching over me. At least 90 percent of all humans believe in this although they have never seen god. They chose to believe in him, and not to believe in magic although it takes place in front of our eyes every day.
Don’t get me wrong when I say magic. I don’t mean women dressed up in big gothic dresses standing over bubbling cauldrons, no that is not what I had in mind. The only magic I know of is to make someone believe in something without having to even prove it to them. That is real magic. I call that the magic of the mouth. You can have everything you want, and be whom ever you chose just by simply using your mind to send signals telling your lips to move and your vocal cords to let out some noise at times.
Yet you only have one way to look into the outside world, and that is through your eyes. I would have said through your heart only if I were in my right mind at this moment. One thing that I have learned is to never ever think with your heart. Only think with your mind, and that is if you are not crazy. Instinct is all that we have, and that is how we distinguish what is good or bad. Although we do things that we know are wrong, in the end, we try to make peace with ourselves. I’m not trying to sound like a psychiatrist, because I am not trained nor am I paid to make such presumption on life. All I am trying to do is find a road back to peace within myself. I do not even know where that road starts, but I will actually try to find it in order to be sane.
How many ways do you know of that will actually help you find who you really are? A while back, every time I would get angry, I’d put on a bit dark make up and sit in front of my favorite mirror watching my eyes for hours. Soon, I would get lost and feel as if I were watching myself from a higher place. I would somehow feel a bit possessed, yet powerful, then I wouldn’t know how to take the demon inside of me out. Maybe its still stuck in their today, but I do not call forth an exorcism, because that is what I have become, and that is what I will die as. Who knows how long I’m actually going to live? I feel insecure about the fact that I could die tomorrow and not have been able to see and do all the things that are put in this world for me to experience.
It is now exactly the stroke of midnight and we have set foot into another day full of possibilities. Too bad that this also means I am a day older, and a day closer to getting my first wrinkle. I would say my first gray hair, but I have gotten that years ago. I hear the clock ticking, but even if I stop it, there is still no way of stopping the world from turning. How can I be so lost? I no longer know what must be done, and I have no more advice on things that I do not know about.
07/01/03
I have been talking to people that i do not have too much information on. They seem to open up to me with their problems and they tell me about their personal lives. İ look around myself and i try to understand why they trust me, but again remember that everyone needs people that they can trust. The top reason that they usually do trust me is because i do not know of anyone that they know, therefore i will not be able to go off and spread their secrets to people that can use it against them. A fear builds up in people. A fear that eats away thier sanity. A fear that is everlasting. İ have fears. My biggest fear is fear itself. I wish to never have to fear anything in life. This is impossible. Humans feel fear to the fullest. İt’s yet another emotion sealed in the endless halls of our hearts.
Sometimes life gets tough and problems seem to appear from places that you would least expect them to come from, but in the end we have to deal with it, because life is worth living.