maybe… sometimes… such fragile words…

all alone… i sit and stare at the shifting screen of my computer… i watch my words unfold before my eyes. i always wonder if those are my own thoughts, my own words, or if maybe someone is playing a horrible trick on my mind. after all, i guess i could be under the mere asuption that i hurt deep inside…

maybe im just pretending and this will all go away. i try and make myself stop thinking those thoughts but other such ones always seem to take their place within the darkened recesses of my brain. i never could control my thoughts.

the blade still haunts me in the night. it still lurks on the edge of my mind threatening to return to my hand and to the skin that it has been kept from for so long. sometimes i beg for those thoughts to go away… sometimes i pray for a reason to relapse. im all alone again and that’s how it all began. that’s how i started cutting before and maybe that’s how it’ll all start again. who knows? maybe im destined to go through cycle after cycle of the emotional pain until i finally cave and slice my arms wide open. i wonder sometimes if it would be better if i just returned to the old me…

i want to be me again so badly right now… in the past many days i did not but, just for a short while, i want to be as i was before. a person living day to day and not caring what she was getting herself into by doing the things she does. i want to not care about anyone but myself and the small circle of friends that i once had. but they’re gone… and we cna never be together agian.

i sit in the silence and remember. i remember the blade within the night… the sharp, but distant, pain that i would feel… i remember the greenhams… my closest friends. i recall the times we spent together… the laughter, the tears. i wonder why it had to change… why we had to go our seperate ways… why the greenhams can no longer be the greenhams as a group anymore.

i want to cry, but i cant. the tears wont come. so i keep sitting here, sadness consuming my mind, and continue relive the past, over and over, within my troubled mind.

im all alone… that’s how it is… maybe that’s how it was meant to be…

By xFallenxAngelx

i wear a smile on my face, but i wear scars upon my arms; my appearance is joyful, but my soul screams out in pain. in the nighttime i sit alone, tears flowing down my face; the tears are the mercury that poisons my mind. truly i am a fallen angel, a vision of black and of white.

6 comments

  1. sad….but just remember, you can find someone that’s like you. There is always someone out there for you to find. Or maybe they’re looking for you, and that is your reason to hold on and keep going. Hang in there.

    -Wolf

  2. I know I may not understand all what you’re going through, but I can relate to some of that. Looking for a reason to pick up the blade again, wishing I could cry and let it all out, but finding my eyes dry but my memories just as raw…

  3. Its true that there are others that feel the same…wanting things to be how they once were…wishing that tears would wash away pain but not being able to bring tears, which in turn causes more frustration…and a need to justify cutting…though it is little consolation….you’re never alone

  4. You say you just want to be yourself again “for a a little while” but you know that once you start cutting again, you may not be able to stop, or that at the very least it’ll be harder than not picking up the blade is at the moment. DON’T start again! You’ve had the strength to stop and stand by your decision so far, don’t jepordise that strength. You will make it through this, just like others do. And no-one is meant to be alone!

    I met a girl on the bus about a week ago, and she was such a cool person and we started talking etc. and she seemed pretty happy. But when she reached up to ring the bell to get off, I noticed her whole arm was covered in pink scars. I just couldn’t believe it, I was in total shock. It looked so bad! She was such a cool and interesting person, I couldn’t fathom why she would think she needed to cut herself. Now I know I’m speaking from an “outsiders” point of view, but I saw something in that girl in 10 minutes, that obviously she hadn’t seen in herself at all, but it WAS THERE! She had serious ‘happy’ potential! Some people see the scars and it scares them off (not me, but I know it does to some). But you will find new friends, for certain. Don’t try to make excuses to relapse, find some other way to be happy. I have faith in you, you just need find some faith in yourself! (and I know I’m trying to make things sound too simple, but just think about what I’ve said, please?!)

  5. It’s hard to leave the past behind, and sometimes it takes a while, but it’s something you just have to work through no matter how hard it is. There’s always new things just around the corner – new friends where we least expect it. It’s just a matter of time…

  6. I know its hard trust me i have been in this position for about 2 years now, thats how long i have been cutting myself sometimes i can hold my self back and others i cant i just grab something and do the damage. but i have been stoped for about a month now.
    hope u can find the energy to do the same.

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