me?

I AM ******
To me, these 4 words seem as far as the unknown, the Truth. It seems so simple to say them, and I do say them almost everyday of my life. Yet, when I take the time to actually acknowledge the words, and look for their deeper meaning (as odd as it may sound); I never come up with any kind of definition as to who I am really.

Everything that seemed so important to me at one time seems so superficial, so fake, so unreal. Its as if all it really is, is matter. It has physical texture which I can feel and touch but no emotion, no meaning, no Truth. Its as if I could take all that is important to me, put it on a weighing scale, and it comes to the amount of zero. Could that be? All that makes my world, all I possess, all I crave, all I learned to believe in and devote myself too, can it be that none of these things are truly essential, will they never be truly needed? I find myself talking to people from my past, and present life, and I find us discussing nothing of real importance, nothing of true meaning. The superficialness of it all can, and might eventually, drive me mad. The conversations about money and the various ways of instant fulfillment and gratifications no longer gratify or satisfy me. They no longer fulfill me. And when I am involved in conversations such as these, I am awe stricken. I am in awe and total shock that most people can live out lifetimes with these kinds of petty and trivial subjects being the extent of their depth, of their awareness and consciousness.
And yet, I still continue to acknowledge it as my reality. I never truly turn my back and cease to ever believe it exists, this reality with which I surround myself will continue to be my so-called-meaning of life? But where does that put me? That leaves me to put all these concerns and doubts and questions in the back of my mind (to try and keep me from losing my mind.) But what if I succeed in keeping these deep concerns and doubts locked away in my psyche? Will they not after a lifetime, want to break their bonds and try to bang at the doors and windows of my mind? Eventually, demanding from me to hear the pleas; pleas which ask to know the truth.
Only, after being suppressed for a lifetime, wont the pleas not only demand to be heard, but also demand to be lived? After living in such deceit, such injustice, and such denial. When that happens, what shall I do? Perhaps prevent the acknowledgment of truth from happening at such a later time, seek Truth now and enjoy the splendor of it after its discovery (that is, of course, if Truth is splendid); or shall I live now in the materialistic, but physically fulfilling life, and start my journey for Truth at a later time, when I am mentally and spiritually ready?
So many questions in such little time. And to think, it all began because of the 4 little words: I AM ***********. Those words have now become WHO IS ********?

By .o()kabbalist()o.

i am me. isnt that interesting? *i think its hard and unnecessary to write some idiotic phrase, that some feel might expresses who they am. we are all complex beings; one little space will definantly do unjustice to us all.