Mind of a killer – Entry one

Ive never even thought of keeping a journal but I feel myself slipping into insanity. I guess this will be my first entry ever. The days feel like there passing ever so slowly but then as if it was right behind me the end of the day jumps out and attacks me letting me know another day has passed and nothing has changed IM still here.

IM not doing anything. i barely eat anymore. i feel like IM a ghost. i do nothing and there is nothing in return unlike what u think this is rare u dont do anything and there is reprocusions. i do nothing and i affect no one i must be a ghost. i must have died and i just dont know it yet. i have no will. something must have taken my soul. i sit for hours in the dark just running around in my own mind. i sit all day and rummage through my brain. i go to watch movies and i feel like moving. IM so impatient now IM always rushing everything once i leave my sanctuary of my mind. ive found i have a new ability i can shut my eyes down i can shut my ears down i can go totally numb to the world or anything that would affect my thoughts. i have thoughts and ideas and questions pop into my head from thin air they come to me. about God about life about the future about the dynamics of our own brains. ive been alone for about a year now and my brain having no source of learning or input has went into overtime double checking everything that is me or anyone else or what is thought to be right or wrong. that’s why i sit and just look through my brain my brain has started some quest on cracking EVERYTHING that is human-habit. my brain is now taking everything i see or hear into great detail. i feel like my mind has started a dark war on my brain a dark war. some kind of ancient countdown to insanity. i sit and ponder about the last yet what have i done its gone and i cant remember any of it. days are a blur i cant keep track of time or dates or life. i cant remember what IM doing here what am i supposed to do that is so great. anything older then a day is clouded. i met this girl that i might love one day while i was out walking mindlessly. i like her alot. we talked in the cafe for hours. at the end i couldn’t remember any of the convosation she said i talked and was quite interesting. but what did i say. i have this urge to just disappear when IM around her. i think of ways for her to hate me. i daydream of her swearing at me and hating me. IM so happy when IM around her but when IM alone and i go to think to rummage through my mind IM not all there kause i have this tie to her she holding me back from being free of emotions and weaknesses. i dont know which i like better happiness or self-loathing. ive sat in self-loathing for years its so comfy there. it might be self-pity i sit in but who knows. if she hates me i have no connections to this earth to this body i can become more free. more alone. when IM alone curling back into my mind hiding i feel the sanctuary the strength of it. no connections no love no lock downs. ill be free. ive found hatred is a strength and happiness is a myth only retards are happy. ignorance is bliss. ive sat and thought about people. me looking down on them studying them. people are all driven by there personalities. ROBOTS. u can predict there very moves and reactions. i feel like IM a dark, dark evil spy jumping in and out of shadows spying on what is human-habit. my passion is to destroy things i love to become more FREE. if iam desensitized if there is nothing i love and i hate the world which i see MY OWN personality driving me to do. driving me to sabotage my happiness. to make me grow harder and stronger. before my parents died they said i should be more of a people person. i hate people. it angers me to see people study me. a long look will throw me into anger unlike any other. i hate it when people try to sabotage my happiness. who do they think they are. i feel like destroying there will power. i feel like haunting them driving them into insanity. bring them with me. there trying to sabotage me for there own benefit. if people are going to hate me it will be by my doing. when they sabotage my happiness and not allow me to do it i will not have my self-hate or self-pity or both. there taking away my fuel for being free. maybe i should take them out of this world let them see how free they really are. i feal like dumping oil into the oceans or breathing poisonous smoke and coughing up blood. i like to eat or rather chew and suck on bloody slabs of meat. blood seems to hold an essence of life. is it true is my mind the ultimate weapon. i feel like my mind can reach out and squeeze the life out of others. but i cant do this. who knows maybe i could. all i have to practice on are these robots. i hate them. i feel like my mind can set up a barrier a safe zone around me. serial killers are robots to ive decided. they say they have power when they take the life of another. what horse shit. power is not money or having power over ones life. how free is ur soul. how much affects you. how much brings u down. emotions yank u down fiercely they rip ur freedom apart like rabid dogs on a newborn. when u die do u go to heaven. but if u are free of emotions can u become an angel. if ur completely alone you’d make the most loyal soldier or angel. monks and nones know this they dont have love they have God. there the best followers the way to God is freedom. maybe we will all go to heaven but on what level will a monk or someone with no ties to this world be on a different level from these robots. IM going to end my entry in todays journal but my mind will go on trying to crack the answer for some question. but what.

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