December 24, 2001
I finished writing my letter to Mom. I hope she understands. I’m really sorry. But at least she’ll have Elaine. I’m in her way, holding her back. Elaine’s what’s really important to Mom.

Well, I’m giving them my Christmas present a little early but I think it’s what they rather what from me than what I gave to them last year.
I put the phone off the hook so no one would know till they see the deceased body. I cleaned up my room so Mom didn’t have to. I found a teddy bear under the bed. I smiled. I remember who gave it to me. My first boyfriend, Darren, did. I threw it across the room when I remembered why it was under the bed. He cheated on me with my best friend Mandy.
I gulped down a handful of sleeping pills. I washed it down with a bottle of Robitussin’s pain reliever. I took my broken mirror and took the sharpest part of it and pointed it to my wrist.
I closed my eyes and pushed hard into my wrist and scraped it into my broken skin. The well-known pain shot through my body. I opened my eyes and saw blood rushing to the surface of the wound. I held up my wrist and felt my strength trickle down my arm. I got up to get a tissue. Blood was flowing too fast.
I quickly fell back down onto the bed. The sleeping pills were kicking in now. I reached for a tissue and wiped it across the open wound. It quickly started bleeding again.
Then my gates that held back tears tore open. I slipped under the covers and shut off the light. I don’t know why my tears are falling. Is it because I know I’m leaving a world with pain and sorrow? Or is it because I know I’m leaving joy and love behind? I remember when I was happy. I remember the times when Mandy told Darren I liked him. I was happy for a while, then pain remained. I guess it’s true that sorrow follows after joy.
I closed my eyes and thought of the times my soul was shattered. I remember the pain that struck me when I saw Mandy and Darren kissing. They lied when they told me nothing happened. I remember the pain exactly whenever I see then together. I had a feeling like I had a crack like a broken mirror. Finally, tonight it’ll stop hurting me.
Then I thought about where I’ll be going. The Great Underworld or to the grand gates of Heaven? Probably all the way down. Suicide is a sin so I’m going to pay the consequences. Well, I don’t think the Underworld would hurt me like life has. I wonder if there are any people my age who are down there. Well, Underworld here I come!!!

January 4, 2002
I got up and cleared my throat. I walked up to the front of the classroom and looked at Mr. Doyle. He nodded at me. I cleared my throat again and started.
“Mistakes. We all make them. Sometimes if we’re lucky, we have erasers. Just a sweep across the paper and it was never there. But, sometimes, erasers can’t do the trick. A little wrong turn is a rip in your book of life. Only a big slip can rip up the cover of your book. There, it loses you forever. My book is filled with little rips but only one scars me the most. I can try and patch it up but it’ll only rip deeper. It might be less noticeable over time but it’ll never heal.
It was in Mr. Doyle’s eighth grade English class that it all started. Our new assignment was to get together with a partner and write either an essay on a memorable period in your life or a biography on the other person. He picked our partners for us in advance. Mine was Melana Thorn. Although I wanted Yoni instead, Melana wasn’t bad. Melana’s real quiet. She always has a hurt expression on her face. I should have asked or cared about her. Anyway, we got together.
We agreed to write a biography on each other. So she started interviewing me. I told her about me. My favorite color, pets, family members, physical appearance, best friends, etc. I felt like a super star, being interviewed by magazine writers. Then I had a great idea. I asked her to come to my “crib.” My idea was to be treated like a star. It was stupid but that was the way I was back then. I was really selfish. It was her that should have been treated like a star.
But she agreed. Then the bell rang. I asked her to sit with Yoni and me so we could talk it over. I rushed to Yoni and told her my magnificent plan. Yoni was my best friend since the sixth grade.
“Oh, well, you got lucky getting paired up with a quiet person. I got Amy Reen, the class smart mouth. We started on her first. I almost got her to say who she likes. It’s some guy who’s name starts with a C.” she ended it with a funny face.
“Awww, poor you. I give all my luck and hope to you. I hope it’ll help you survive the human beast.” I laughed at this. I think I should’ve given some to Melana instead.
When it was time for lunch, we got our trays and sat down. I had forgotten to find Melana. Yoni and I made plans to get Amy to tell us who she liked. We made a list of who could be the potential lover of Amy.
A couple days later that was when I realized how stupid I was. It was after History that we heard the news. Melana committed suicide over the Christmas vacation. I never realized how a person who felt unwanted would want to end their life. She was so innocent too. She never said anything bad about anyone. Never had a grade lower than an A. Never was in a fight. Never was suspended. I don’t think she even missed a day of school.
Mrs. Thorn gave me her report on me the other day gave her my best wishes to her and her family. I read the report and cried. She didn’t have a word that described my selfishness. Although there were words that made me feel good about myself but knowing that I could have been there for her made me sink and never stop. I hope that Melana’s death help you realize how life is precious. So are friends. One little break in your skin is a big rip out of everyone else’s book. So I hope that somewhere in your heart is a little happy person that feels wanted. Know that someone out there loves you. Even if you think no one does, I do.”
I was in tears. As I walked to my desk everyone in my row or near it gave me a hug. They were there for me, why can’t I have been there for her? I wish she was here so I can give her a hug and tell her I care.