Before people read this, I would just like to say that this is a story about my life and I wanted to share part of it with you.
My Life Story
Sometimes I feel as though my friends would be better off without me. Most of my friends do know that I am suicidal, although some of them do not. I look at my friends sometimes and they always look so happy. I feel as though I do bring them down sometimes because of some of the things that I do. Looking at all of my friends being so happy makes me feel and realize how bad my life is and that I don’t have fun or be happy. I just don’t really feel as though I belong in this world. I live on this Earth, but I don’t really feel as though I am here. I know that I exist but I don’t feel as though I belong here. The only reason that I really have for living right now, is for my friends. I only keep on living for my friends. I would never actually kill myself because I know that it would hurt my friends way too much. Sometimes I still really feel like killing myself and I really wish that I were dead. I don’t really want to be alive right now but unfortunately I am. My friends really don’t know everything that has gone on in my life. For many months now, I have felt as though I am dead inside. I am not really able to feel any emotion at all. I haven’t been able to feel happy, or sad. I just feel nothing at all . I do know that my friends do care about me. I just really hate my life, and I really don’t see what my purpose in life is. I don’t know why I am here. I didn’t even ask or want to be here. A lot of people do think that I am more mature than I used to be. On my free time I like to help people who are suicidal, depressed, or have problems. I like to help them because I know what it is like to be suicidal, and want to end your own life. I know how it feels to take overdoses, and it is extremely painful. This is why I like to help people who have felt the same way that I have. I really don’t ever want anyone to ever feel the way that I have. I don’t know exactly how long I have been suicidal, but I think that it has to be coming close to a year now. All of my problems have started a long time ago. I first became suicidal because of a poem. I was only 13 and in 7th grade at the time. I had always hated my teacher, but I hated her even more after this poem. In her class we had to write these poems, and I hated them. There was this one poem though and because of it I am suicidal. I would say that I have always kind of been a good student in school. This poem that we had to do had to be 6lines long, with one metaphor and one simile. I did not really understand this poem, so I stayed up all night long trying to figure it out. In the middle of the night when I was tired of working on the poem, I just started to think about a lot of things. I would think about how I would rather be dead than to do the poem. I would then start wishing that I were dead and try to think of some ways to how I could get out of doing the poem. Since then things got a whole lot worse. My grades in school were starting to drop, and I was doing a lot worse. This is how it all started. Right now I don’t really remember why I am writing all of this down. Until close to the end of June, I would overdose a lot. Most of the time they were just small OD’s, but then towards the end of June I did something. In June, I took the largest overdose, and the last one, of my entire life. One night in June, I took an overdose. I took 52 pills. They were a mix of Asprin and Aleve. After I took them I started thinking and regretting what I had done. At that point I really didn’t want to die. It was the scarriest thing that had ever happened to me in my whole life. Right now, I still wish that I had never done it, and in a way I am kind of glad that I am still alive right now. Over the summer was the hardest for me. I was away from my friends and I really didn’t have anyone to talk to. The only thing that really kept me alive during the summer was my friends. Just the thought that I would again get to see them and talk to them helped me to hang on. To keep on living. It got a little better once school started. On September 19th, 2001, I finially told one of my friends that I am suicidal. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my whole life. Over the summer I talked to some of my friends online and told them how I feel. Even telling someone online how I feel, was very hard at first. The first time that I asked for help online was very hard for me to do, but I believe that I am better for it now. After I took the OD in the summer, I just started to cut myself a lot. The first one f my friends to actually find out that I am suicidal, was Rhiannon. She said basically what everyone else has already told me. She basically said don’t do it, it only hurts your friends and family, and everything like that. That night I actually realized that all of my friends do care about me, and that I am not alone. I have told many people now how I feel, and I think that I might be getting better. I don’t really cut myself as much as I used to. I have about 50+ scars now on my left forearm alone. Cutting myself sometimes does make me feel a little better. I know that I will never actually kill myself, because I can’t. I know that if I did actually kill myself, then all of my friends would be sad. I could never do that to my friends. I would never put them through the paint that they would feel if I did kill myself. I do know that all of my friends do truly care about me, and that is why I will never actually kill myself. I just really hope that I can and will stop being suicidal and get better. This is basically all that I have to say. I know that I could say a lot more. I hope that I can and will get better, because I really don’t want or like being suicidal.