what is this shit
how do i let myself get sucked in
why do i bend myself for them
how do i let them see
me cry
i dont mean to look weak
but all i want is a good fuck
something to make me tear my eyes up
but it will never happen
it was all a lie
i hate to feel this alone
but something just wont give
i hate how much i miss him and his eyes
but i really hate how i see him sitting there
not even noticing my tears
but all you see is my aweful past
and you happen to be in it
and i know i said that he forced me
but he really didnt
you cant force the willing
it was a cold afternoon much like my nerves
they were frozen and i was cold
but his hands were all over me and warming
but i was still frozen
he took me by the hand as we went to the bed
graham was eating cereal in the kitchen
it was a hurried awkward mood
but still i was willing
his eyes were so warm and calm
and his fingers teased my very soul
as the pants were removed so were my doubts
this was the one i was waiting for
he made me feel alive
and his touch kept me from frezzing
his warm body pressed against mine
moving to a rhythm not of this earth
the sweat beaded on my lips and dripped
making me hot and cold all at once
but then it got worse
my eyes saw only him and i
moving together as one
for once i actually felt like i belonged
kissing my neck and kissing my lips
he made me feel alive again
then i saw colors and felt like spinning
but thn i realized i was only in his eyes
lost in those chocolate brown eyes
entwined in my sheets
enveloped in his embrace
hopeing that this would never end
he rolled off me
and layed there next to me
sweating as hard as i
looking deeply into my eyes
he told me he loved me
the most heartfelt words he has ever said to me
he moved closer to me
and my sore bleeding body
but i didnt mind the pain at all
it was a pain i was willing to bear
because it was the worst pain he inflicted
i liked this pain
we laughed and giggled and made light of this
and then he kissed me
a kiss that started my heart on fire
made me burn from the inside out
but this day couldnt last forever
we had to return to reality
and graham was getting impatient
so we dressed our seperate bodies
wishing our bodies could stay one forever
and made things hard to say goodbye
should have listened to my gina
she said this would make things harder
and it did
i hated being away from his eyes
months went by
and things went bad
he got distant and mean
i hated this
and then he left
my heart ripped into shreds
and my soul felt like it died that day
my world turned to black
nothing mattered
no one knew what it felt like
my sister tryed to help me
but she didnt see how this killed me
and i didnt know what to do
i cried
i sobbed for a whole minute
my heart was sick with aches
but i didnt cry for long
it hurt to much to cry
perhaps if i cryed more
this wouldnt still hurt so much
6 months after the seperation
somedays i sit back and remember the times
when we were together and happy
when he would hold me close
and tell me i was his
how sweetly he kissed me
and how gently he touched my skin
but those days are over
and we have both changed lives
i still love him
and would give my life for one more day
but he has fogotten me
and doesnt even know i exsist
i die everytime i see him again
and memories hit me with a force
i would die for him
i would kill for him
i want to kill him
yet i love him