I’ve heard them call it a panic attack. They say it’s probably just a chemical imbalance in my brain. No problem, this little pill will take care of it. But sometimes I think they’re wrong…it’s not an attack, or an imbalance or even a medical problem at all. It’s just a time when my mind, body and spirit opens up, and I sense to much of the world around me.
I never know when it will start. Most often it comes at dusk, during that transitional time when it’s not daytime, but not quite night, but it does come at other times…it could be as I wake in the morning, during the day at work or even in the middle of the night. But, regardless of when, it always begins the same.
The backs of my legs get cold and begin to tingle and it climbs slowly along the skin of my body. I usually end up wearing two sets of clothes just to stay warm enough. And, even though my skin is freezing on the outside, on the inside I’m buring up like a fire raging though my body. My adrenaline flows like I’m a running a marathon, and my thoughts race at lightening speed through my head.
It’s not as if I’m just in a state of dread, or fear, as you might see someone having a true panic attack. It feels that if every sensation of every entity on this earth enters my body at the same time. Like a drug entering my system…BAM! It’s just there and it’s intense. It’s nothing but absolute, unadulterated, raw emotion permeating through me. Excitement, terror, anger, anxiety, bliss, grief, disappointment, pain elation….anything one could name, I feel it. Almost to the point that I believe my mind, and/or body is about to explode, and then it start to subside. Eventually, the last wave of feelings fade, and I come back to reality either crying or in a daze of sorts. Time has past, but I have no recollection of what’s transpired in the world around me.
It’s truly an exhilarating experience, but try explaining that to the “normal” world. And maybe I am losing my mind…or perhaps already crazy… but, really, who’s to say?