They ask me why…
Why do you dress that way, why are you bisexual, why do you like that shit for music, why do you practice Wicca, why are you a cutter, why is it you can’t be normal, what is it that you have to do to be happy, why can’t you just fit in…
To many damn questions if you ask me, but I answer them.
I dress this way because I like it. You think I enjoy people staring…maybe I do. It makes me feel like I am not just a shadow passing through this world, that I have at least had some impact. But most of all I like the feel black gives off. It is a powerful and dark color. It can scare the shit out of someone, or hide me in a tranquil corner when I need to be a spider. Loneliness is not a price I pay for wearing black…loneliness is created by me.
I’m bisexual because I am. I like being bi, actually I like the fact that I have the best of both worlds. There is nothing I can or want to do about it. It is not rare that this fact can scare away my friends. Very common actually that someone would hate it. Misunderstanding or homophobia? What do they think that just because their a girl I’m gonna rape them in the middle of the night because I’m bi? Idiots…
Shit for music?! Fuck you. Discordant maybe…shit? I don’t think so. This ‘shit’ for music keeps me sane when I feel like ripping someone’s throat out. It is that poppy stuff that drives me to the brink of suiside. The message presented within the discordant sounds has a meaning beyond skin, it goes to the very bone. I need something that touches me deep enough to feel…like a blade…it has no use when it only scratches the skin, but to cut and feel the numb pain, that is when it engulfs you in utter peace.
Why do I practice Wicca? Why are you a Christian? I am Wiccan because it is what I believe.
Why are you a cutter? Well, in return I would simply shrug and turn my back. If you do not understand now, you will never understand unless you know the emotion behind the blade.
Why aren’t I normal? Define normal.
To be happy. Hmmm…..let live, live, and let dead, rest.
You want me to fit in? I’ll fit into my clothes and that’s about as far as I go to fit in. How about I smile my fake doll smile and shut my eyes against the world like everyone else. Would that make you happy?
And then, I can come in for another couseling session to tell you about how GOD DAMN WONDERFUL my life is while I’m on drugs? I don’t think so lady I like my world how it is.
-Elizabeth
You know what’s kinnda scary and rather funny,you remind me alot of..well..me.Im wiccan,im bi,im also a cutter and i wear black clothe’s and listen to heavy metal rock.You give off all the same answer’s i would,but i just dont know how to say it.Dont listen to thoe’s stupid people who tell you what to do,just get throught this at your own pace,or if you want,you dont have to get throught it at all. Cutting is not bad,as long as you dont cut to deep,we are all here for a purpose,dont forget that.Wearing black clothe’s make’s me feel like a shadow,i can be forgoton,and also invisible,but at time’s i can make an indent it life.Cutting relive’s tress that nothign else can do,well exept maybe heavy metal music.Im a witch becuse i like the whole medevil thing,and also thay use all natural,not soem shit that has 99% FAT!..well anywya’s my point is,be who you are,and not who people tell you to be
being isn’t just enough. you have to be yourself. if you’re happy being you then in your mind tell her to fuck off. give her some bullshit stories about her life. lie to her and tell her that you’re working towards changing. she has confidentiality. she can’t tell anyone what you say. not even your parents. that’s the law.
Around the same answers, makes me sorta happy people around are similliar to me. I ain’t bi or notin, and oen thing. What is a cutter? I’ve never heard that before. Sounds interesting.
Sorry for my waylaid stupidity to other life choices, lol.
Peace, Hate, whatever you can muster.
Cheers
*smiles*
ZombieGirl, very true…
Star, your right. As always I your wisdom surprises me. Though believe it or not they eat lies up like leeches drink blood. It is slightly amusing.
If you bat your eyes and sit quietly, they ask you questions and rarely look at you as they scribble down notes. My father as a lawyer suggests that if it is a question they ask you in court, answer as little as possible and don’t give details. But if you just spit shit out they think your telling the truth. Actually this goes back to a story that was recently posted, the author I can’t remember at the moment. It talked about how she got in trouble for refusing to talk about her ‘problems.’ It was excellent in portraying the reality of this world. They think it takes it all off of our shoulders to tell our stories. If that was the case…then everyone would have a personal couselor. Not so. It makes me feel dirty to tell my problems to someone. What I talk of is experience, not something that plagues me.
-Elizabeth
Why dont you people just lighten up!! Sheesh!! Is this what we are reduced to? Seeing everything in darkness?? Everyday, there is something that we could smile about! Dont let your pathetic lives rule your existence! Smile! And let go of anything not worth it! You people make me sick!
And to this we become better men!
Sheesh.
Does anyone wonder how such a nice smiley is produced by an [ALT] 666?—–>Ü
A cutter is one who cuts themselves purposely. And I agree with all of you’s aswell.
…does the degradation of humanity scare all of you’s as much as it does me?
Everyday, another victim of society, comes forward, unloads, on this site, it’s frightening.
For such a long while I lived my life in my head, cuz I presumed I was the only fucking person interested in death, darkness ect. Until I met one of my best mates, and he’s come forward with some fucked up mind patterns which I closely related too, from then on, I’ve started to feel a ‘little’ bit better, besides that life is a down hill fight, and even though you get happier, hold your head higher, it can never keep up enough with the descent, even to stay at a static emotion, let alone falling further down.
im amazed that you made the story so perfect that its EXACTLY 2500 characters which is the maximum amount of charcacters alowd when you submit a post, i see either you put alot of effort into this, or you just got lucky,,, either way its till a good post.
fearhate, it is nice to feel like you have someone to relate to. As humans we tend to want others to experience what we do. Be it happiness, sadness or joy.
LostWords, most of what you said is completely valid. If we only smiled sometimes that life would seem that much brighter, but what is a smile when it means nothing to the bearer. To enjoy life is what we should do. To look at the glass as half full instead of empty is even better.
thicktears, that is so true…and yes, the degration of humanity is cruel, but it has happened for years, and it will continue. Only grit your teeth and bare it.
insertnamehere, either that is a hell of a lot of sarcasm, or you just complimented me on luck, and my writing. Either way, I’ll take it as a compliment, because that is what I prefer, and say thank you.
Thanks, and Elizabeth, hope those shrinks back off, thats not right why they do that to you.
Ü
Why do you have to see a shrink? Are your parents forcing you to or something?
From the sound of your story, I am amazed at how stupid the shrink sounds. I thought they were supposed to learn something with their Ph.D. Guess not.
fearhate, welcome, and what shrinks do is not something I control…unfortunetly.
Florence, believe it or not my father is repulsed by the words shrink, conselour, phycistrist, phyciatric, or metal hostpital. It is my school…thanks to an old roommate I had this year, I was required to speak with the school couselor…since then I have had little rest…but as you said, they should learn something, but unfortunetly I am forced to repeat myself when really the answer is clear.
-Elizabeth
Boy that’s awful. I didn’t know schools were allowed to do things like that to students. Maybe you could talk your father into helping you protest. Let the school know that the psychiatrist is discriminating against you for your sexual orientation, which you are already comfortable with, or something like that. The schools are sometimes afraid of the parents–if you can get your parents to make a stink, they might change something.
if you look in DMS axis book of psychiatric disorders (maybe the copy i was flipping through was old), but homosexuality is classified as a psychiatric disorder. i looked through a pretty old copy so it may not still be in there, but…
not to say that i agree with it. i think it’s full of shit, but it’s kind of awkward to know that some people thought/think that loving someone of the same sex is a disorder.
also, technically, there is no law against discrimination against someone due to sexual orientation. that’s a battle still being fought.
i say that if you’re happy being you than fuck the world.
I agree Mourning…fuck the world
-Elizabeth
so weird – you are ME, just… in another body. I never did drugs, and don’t intend to, but I stopped cutting a year ago, and it still comes back to haunt me. I’m always in black… i listen to hard rock, im wiccan, bisexual, and im not your most social people person. (ie. random person: “hi!” me: “fuck off”)