i went into a store today, to get new clothes for a family affair. My father will be there, and i dont want him to be. I would rather rip out all my internal organs with my bare hands, dip them in that stuff they pump corpses with, put them back in and sew it up. My step-father will be there too, i dont want him to be either, he has been my step father for almost 7 years now and he still doesnt understand me. Not that i expect him to i dont get him either. But i do understand that in more ways he is more messed up than anyone else in our familiy so we are closer than he will ever know. My other step-family will be there, and i want to tell them that i hate them. I want to grab the mic and scream it to them “this is my goddamn family go the hell away”. But i dont have the right , its not my family, I dont have one. To be a family i belieive that you need to have a certain level of trust and love, and as odd as it seems i dont love them, not any of them. I care for them but i didnt cry at any of anyones funeral and they screamed at me for it. Called me “messed up in the head” and a “perfect little sociopath”. I know better, they are scared of me, scared that they will wake up and i will be on the floor and they will be blamed. I plan on being far, far away when that happens though. I sound self-centered and i dont care right now. I sound like i have delusions of granduer, but i dont. I do know where i stand and what i am and who i am and all the universal bullshit we usualy ask questions to. I dont consider myself depressed, just unusually aware of reality. I have my own crutch of bitterness though to lean on and keep me going long enough to get away. Hobble away and laugh with the pleasure of pain because i can get away. The pain means i am farther away and i will enjoy every minute of it, in fact i hope it kills me, then i will have died of joy. As pathetic as that sounds. Sometimes i crave horrible experiances and depression because i feel like it will make me more aware of the fact that i am human. Lately it feels like i am numb and i float from day to day and i hear screams but i dont really care, i mean i care, but not really. not with a passion, not with the sheer intensity that children feel with, i want to feel, i shrink from human touch and i flee from any sign of frinend ship and i dont know why. my psych evauluation says that not only am i a manic depressive but i am having and identity and sexual preference crises too. oh yeah let me tell you. i feel like mereyl streep out of white oleander. I bought new pants, shoes ,shirt ,skirt, and socks. All of them socialy acceptable. I like the socks the best though, they are blank, so i can take a black sharpie and write whatever the hell i want on them and they wont change, not ever, not untill i want them to. I think i will leave them blank.