Well….i’ve finally gotten to the point i feared. Numb. No sense to why i was afraid of it…..i feel….disconnected. Don’t give a shit ’bout much. i haven’t been able to sleep since Tuesday….
feel like i’m looking at everything through a video-camera. No emotion. i cut my toe yesterday….it bled….didn’t feel it….mostly cause i jabbed a needle in it a few months ago and i guess it killed a nerve or something. But i cut my fingers today at work…..strangely, i cut myself more often when the truck is stopped than when it’s in motion. i get tomato and lemon juice on them….it kinda tingles. During the busiest stop of the day, the string that was holding my bra together ripped…..now i’ve got to buy a new one. But i don’t think i will. My hairs falling out…..and if i could laugh at that i would. i’m too tired to sleep, too sleepy to do anything else. i’m stuck again. and it’s ok. i find that……well….i’ll just fuck everything. What the fuck are feelings for anyway? They get stuff into trouble. i still listen to music, but i can’t hear the words. Everything’s so quiet. No more cold. No more heat. This is what it was like years ago….only….it’s kinda like….time hasn’t passed. No mood…..no life. And yeah. It’s like being dead. Only your lungs keep sucking in air. Don’t know if this will leave…..don’t care anymore. No need to search for life through these veins. i’ll wake up maybe….or maybe i’ll just stay here. Not so bad afterall. No more hurts. Nothing angers. No confusion. And not a bother to make sense of things…..
…….reality….questionable….logic….illogical….gone….and it’s good. Don’t care. Leaving this in front because i don’t care to remove it. No point. Never was…..
…..ok….living something like death?