Nothing. Just typing.

I’m sick as fuck and I figured I would just type up a whole entry about… well, something. Here’s goes.
I was talking to Ian the other day, and somehow the topic of suicide came up. He had asked me if I had ever attempted to kill myself.

I said no, but I have thought about it more than once. “It’s alright,” he said, “[b]everyone[/b] has thought about suicide at least once in their life.”

I didn’t believe him, so I took a little survey in my photo class(which is where we were at the time). I asked about 11 girls and maybe 9 guys if they had ever thought of or attempted suicide, I threw the paper away so I don’t know the exact number. Out of the girls, only three said they had(not including me). Out of the guys only one said yes.. and that was Ian himself.
I felt very strange after that. When you realize how different you are from everyone you know, you seem to not want to be there anymore. You want to be with people like you, who have felt the things you have, and know what pain is. Most of my town are happy children who grew up with loving parents and have no “issues”. My friends.. they all have their burdening past and their painful present. Some have been beaten, others used and some still use drugs, their parents hated them, they were neglected, a majority were raped. I made friends with all those people known as outcasts. The strange ones that didn’t want to talk to anyone because they hate the world and almost everyone they have known because of all the pain they have endured. I am all of my friends. I know their pain becuase I have their pain. I know their thoughts because I think the same as them.
But sometimes, I don’t want to know them. I want to get away from the reminders of everything bad in me. I want to have happiness for once in my life and have it last more than five minutes.
For a while now I haven’t been talking to anyone. I just say hello and walk on by, try not to make eye contact so they can’t start up a conversation. I’m still angry, I’m still hurt, I still hate everything about me, and I miss ..a lot of things.

If you read this, then thank you for using your precious time on me. I had time to waste and I figured I might as well post something.