now im numb

ive been suicidel before, ive been happy before, ive been numb,
my whole life i have had m,v,p a heart problem i never realy thought it much a bother to me i could sill live a happy long life untill 3 months ago i had a drug od and i found out it advaned to cardiomyopathy which is basicly fatal i just turned 19 and my heart has all ready inlarged a little bit last night i ran up the stairs and it was like runing a mile, when i had the od i dyed for a little bit over a minute then the doctors brought me back the funny thing is it didnt hurt it was realy the most beautiful way to die i was fine then i just fell down i have a deadly illness now i dont want to die i was suicidel for a long time then i was happy for awhile now im numb….basicly when sad and suicidle never wish to die wish to truely live, wish to be happy when your dying its to late…