we were the best of friends. yes, were. no longer do we spend friday nights staying up all night and bitching about life while trying to drink our troubles away. i still remember, fairly vividly, how we used to be. we shared every success… every sorrow… every pain… and every scar. when the school discovered our razor blade scars everything seemed to go to hell, though.
we vowed to stay together, to remain the sisters that we had made ourselves into. but things changed. fights errupted among us as we continued, despite the efforts of the school counselor, to cut our pain away. i swear that i nearly went insane. my mind constantly screamed out in anguish and even my trusty razor blade didnt seem to help me for long. my mind began moving in a constant drone, living each day on its own and never looking forward to tomorrow… all i seemed to have was the then and there. i couldnt focus on anything except how meaningless everything had gotten. nothing really seemed to matter and i constantly turned to my writing… and the razor… for the comfort that i allowed no one to provide. i closed myself within my mind and refused to come out… whether it was by my own free will or not, i still am not sure. over time i changed back again… i began to feel happiness and hope once more but i know that i will never fully be the same. i am happy again and i do have many things to look forward to but, deep within my mind and soul, i am still a greenham. i know that i still possess some of the qualities that i adopted during those long nights when i was alone in my room and trapped with my own troubled thoughts. the scars are there and i doubt that they will ever fade… i dont think that i want them to. they remind me of how i used to be… and how i never want to be that person again.
i dont really know how to end this submission because, in all actuality, there is no end to it. i am still alive, (obviously), and i am still a greenham, as i always shall be. will there ever be an end to my pain? i doubt it. will i ever be free of the darkness that i knew before? no. do i regret living through all of that? no.
would i ever give up the ability to remember the greenhams and how we were? NEVER.
I have been going through the same thing…yet i have only been away from the blades for about a month now. My friend cut herself really badly one night and then told me first thing the next day (before her boyfriend even) and told me that she had actually used the peice of broken can I had given her behind our boyfriends’ backs. When I herd i freaked…well inside, i didn’t freak too much infront of her…but for days, even though she along with everyone else told me it wasn’t my fault, i blammed myself. Sence i have had our boyfriends paranoid that we might kill ourselves, and we had another friend cutting herself in this whole ordeal aswell…we all kind of circulated peices of glass, cans, safty pins, thumbtacks, ect-between ourselves. But i had given her the can…and she said the she was pissed and she unloaded her pockets and she saw it and the thought of cutting herself entered her head…i had given it to her…that entire day i didn’t stop shaking. That night i wrote a letter to her saying how i felt about it all, and how the guys didn’t get that cutting ourselves was a way of getting to relaxation- not suiside, and then i went on saying that at times i did want to be dead and i complained about my life…her boyfriend stole it and read it, then gave it to my boyfriend…oh boy…sorry i just realized i’m rambling but sence i’ve been good and kept away from the sharps (i still have a stash) but we all have stayed away…but i will never forget or regret…
anytime if you’d like to talk please email me@
Beth@gothstone.com or IM me at gothicducky13@aol.com