This might be a little boring for some…but I just wanted to share some of the pages from my diary. It is kinda silly and a little confusing, but hey~~>that’s the story of my life. I hope most of you enjoy it.
Aug 10, 2001~*
Only after a few days of being with Michael, I am falling for him. He is the first guy I ever kissed after only two days of dating! Michael is the one…I know it, I feel it. It feels like fate has brought us together. I have a feeling he is gonna be the one.
Aug 17, 2001~*
OK maybe I am moving too fast, it’s only been a week and I want Michael to be my first. Now don’t get me wrong, I am scared, but I never wanted to be with someone so bad! It is not like I go around throwing myself at every guy I like. No, I am the exact opposite! I mean I just got my first french kiss this summer. So I know this feeling inside is right, maybe we have not been together that long but I think I love him.
Aug 24, 2001~*
OK let me tell you what has happened this last week! I had decided to tell Michael I wanted him to be my first. (just to let you know he is not a virgin, there was one girl before me) So I told Michael….Yeah well the next day he got a condom. For someone’s first time it seemed much more glamorous on TV that is definitely not my case. I was running around trying to figure out how to lay my pillows on the bed, what bra and panties I would wear~~~>retarded me. Actually I was probably going over board. Spraying perfume around my room and I was actually looking for a good love c.d.! Thank-God I could not find one. Finally his friend pulled up in the driveway, Michael got out; and I almost fell down the stairs I was so nervous. He knocked on the door and I opened it right then saying,”Hello Michael, how are you!?” He just kinda looked at me weird and said,”Uh, can I come in?” I felt so stupid and inexperienced. It seemed like hours we just sat there side by side on my bed. I wondered if this was what Michael always did. “SO, what do we do Michael?”I asked. Michael looked at me like a crazy person,”Are you sure you wanna do this?” I was just like,”Yes, I am sure.” I think Michael wanted to wait, he seemed kinda shy about the situation. Then we started kissing….and all I could do is hope that everything went right. He put his hand up my shirt and slowly started to take it off. I was amazed at how he smooth he was at taking off all my clothes until there was nothing left. Fore play was starting to be known to me for the first time. I was so excited, but still scared. While all the thoughts were going through my head; Michael had managed to take off his pants and shirt. “Do not look down,”I thought, “It will scare you.” That is when he started to put himself inside me! But something was wrong, IT WAS NOT GOING IN!! I think I will never forget how he said,”Uh, it won’t fit.” I couldn’t believe it, how could it be? That is when I thought,”Maybe he just didn’t do it right, I am gonna try.” He was right, it was not going in anytime soon. The worst was when I started crying, I was so embarrassed. Well anyway, after Michael told me it was ok and he was not mad, I felt much better. But get this!!! Michael told me he loved me! He sent me a letter in my e-mail, and I was so excited I pushed delete instead of save! I don’t care though cause he loves me too!!
*~Ok I am gonna skip to a year later~~>
I have been with Michael for a year now. A lot has happened over time, I have learned so much about love, for one I can’t live without it.
Aug 3, 2002~*
“No Please don’t leave me, please! I don’t want you to leave me! Michael, you can’t go!”~~~I am amazed at how fast it’s all gone by, I am actually kinda scared. I can feel tears rolling down my face, God, you can’t do this to me, don’t let Michael go away….it’s not fair! I love Michael, God he is the air I breathe, don’t take him away! Michael stayed with me all summer. After the school year was over my mom wanted to move to Arizona. It was all too sudden, my life was so perfect then my mom wanted to move our whole family for her own selfish wishes. I still can’t believe how selfish her act was. Now that summer is over Michael has to go back to North Carolina for school. I knew he would have to leave, but I didn’t think it was gonna go by so fast. I was so happy a week ago, now I can only think,”God, he is really gonna leave.” I love Michael so much, tonight is the last night before he leaves to go home…I feel like a child, all I can do is watch him leave. I can’t do anything but cry, like a little girl losing her daddy again. I have to go spend time with Michael, this is the last night I will see him for a long time.
January 12, 2003
Now I remember….why I hate it here. I just had a fight with my mom. I threw the remote at her so hard it shattered. My mom was on the phone talking about Amanda and I complaining how we wanted to go back so bad! Like I was not even in the room, she was talking shit about us. First of all I moved here cause of her SELFISH ASS!!!!! I did not complain once, NOT TO HER!!! She brought up moving back~~~>SHE DID!! She’s right, I am with her, and I have nowhere else to go! She is so mean, and I don’t want to do this anymore!! I AM SO TIRED OF FIGHTING!! I JUST WANT A NORMAL LIFE!!
Feb. 10, 2003~*
I am so angry…and I want to cut again. Yet I see the bible sitting in front of me and all I can do is cry. I am so hurt…..but it hurts on the inside. When I cut myself, I am so hurt by the physical pain, that the pain inside goes away for a little while. I wish I had someone to help me be strong. I feel so lonely hiding this inside. I wish I had Michael…..I can only wish. I wish my mom was not so weak, I just want her to be a mom….that is all I need her to do for me. I wish I had a dad, and a mom. I wish I had a real family. I tried to drag the blade across my skin. I couldn’t do it, that damn bible.
March 20, 2003~*
Sitting here in class….Mr.coulter is such a bore. I miss Michael so much. We have not talked a lot lately. He is always doing stuff with church, and I am never home when he calls. It is so hard….having a relationship like this. I would never recommend it to anyone….but this is what I do for love. This is the only thing anyone lives for in life (well, according to me anyway). The loneliness is the most unbearable thing, not having any physical touch, or love. The only thing keeping even a bit of light in my heart is the dear lord….I know he will not leave me. I love Michael so much, I pray he is as faithful and loving about me, as I am to him. Love never fails….
April 13, 2003
So my Mom talked to us yesterday. We are moving back to Charlotte, NC. My mom’s officially divorced now, Jason is not coming back. All we have left now is God…that is all we need. I only have God…hope and prayers…faith will get us through this. No fighting and arguing, we have to get along, we need each other. I am so tired, I need sleep. I miss Michael so much.
*~SO anyway that is a summary of my diary~*
It is weird how so much happened in a year and 8 months. I have learned so much, and I think because of this move….I learned a lot. Especially about patience…..I am so glad we are moving back. I hope this was not too boring, but it is all true…and I left out a lot of pages, so I am sorry if it was too confusing. Thanks for reading my story 🙂