Once again, Im sitting here, alone while the walls of my soul cave in as they have many times before. I wonder, like Im sure most do.. if this is just my beginning or the start of my ending?
Problems will somehow exist in ones life, no matter how simple and safe your life is.. Ive figured this out through much experience, and many years of pain.. I decide I cant go on, and somehow think thats it.. its over, all I have to do is kill myself and everything would be alright.But in truth, what bullshit that is. Being critisized in this world is not a fair thing like many of you, as well as myself know.The days and nights of constantly wondering whats going to happen to you, whos going to judge you tommorrow, if there is going to even be a tommorrow are endless. This eve is the 5 year ‘anniversary’ of the day I was diagnosed with manic-depressive illness… The day was bleak, and clouded with darkness, inside hurt, and the thoughts that accompany me so well by now.. The rutines of pills, medications, therapy, and hospitilizations is simply exhausting for me as well as for the people who are close to me. I can’t truthfully say I know what will happen tommorrow or the next day, because everyday is a new day. A new day to be judged for how you dress, act, look, and now days; even how you feel.. Being a teenager is hard in itself, let alone having to face the world with a severe mental illness..and the fact that I am “goth” does not help my situation much. Some days I think it impossible to go on, that the light at the end of my tunnel is only a train.. *shrugs* but who am I to decided when the sun wants to shine on my parade? So for now, Ill just sit here..let the time pass slowly, and savor every minute I have..whether bad or good. Even though, I can’t say lll get away from this illness eventually or that the things that it has caused me to do in the past will go away either, I don’t let myself regret a single thing Ive done, because its who I am..and its what I’ve done while acting like who I really am. Ill stop my rambling for now and get on with the night, as I dont want to waste any of it….its only hours before the hideous sun comes up and all is lost again.Who knows; maybe someday the stars will shine like they used to and Ill go back to being my old self. What a lie I tell myself in that, beacuse this IS who I am..