Paranoid

I am scared. Scared for my pain, the pain of others that I have hurt. I lay on my side on the small twin size bed, thinking about how I could end the pain. End the pain of insanity. Rid myself for my own well being. For everyone elses happiness. But then I think harder. Why should they be happy? They never did anything for me, except teach me how to hide. Hide from all of the good feelings of love and smiles of happiness. And all of the bad feelings to which I had already succumbed.

I am scared. Scared for my pain, the pain of others that I have hurt. I lay on my side on the small twin size bed, thinking about how I could end the pain. End the pain of insanity. Rid myself for my own well being. For everyone elses happiness. But then I think harder. Why should they be happy? They never did anything for me, except teach me how to hide. Hide from all of the good feelings of love and smiles of happiness. And all of the bad feelings to which I had already succumbed.

I miss my slumber. In sleep you are in a void, a place where no thought occurs, a place where you can be free and happy and not bound by anything. I hugged myself tightly, wishing and hoping that my friends could be here with me. Not the flesh and blood friends, but the ones you make up. The ones that can never hurt you. Is it pitiful? To be a teenager who has friends that can really hold you, to the point where you can actually feel their breath on your skin. Or that I can’t cry for what I have done.

I didn’t need to die anymore. I had taken care of my problems before I laid down. But you could never quit wondering ‘What if?’, Could you? I could, if I wanted too.

I sat up quietly, stubling on one of my old and ratty shoes as I neared the door of my small room. If they had not made me cry, no one would have ever gotten hurt, not me, not the people who raised me. My heart raced as I reached the kitchen, the smell of rotting corpses’ making me want to smile and gag at the same time, as was the bloody butcher knife having the same effect as the blood sprayed on the yellow flowered wall. There was a sudden noise behind me, a sort of light sobbing, but when I turned my head quickly to nothing but more blood covered flowers, I sighed to myself.

“Your so paranoid,” I whispered to myself taking measured steps back to my small room.”-You already got them all. No one will ever hurt you again.”

A boy my age was leaned against the doorframe to my room, smiling at me. “Thats right, Jessica, No one will get to you ever again. No one can get you as long as I’m here. Stop being paranoid.” I nodded sagely at him hugging his form for comfort.

“I love you, Matt.” I said sleepily, as he disappeared in my arms.

I stumbled back to my small twin sized bed and laid down on my side.

“Stop being paranoid.” I repeated to myself for the last time, as I finally, fell asleep.

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Author’s Note: This is to my boyfriend, Matt, who has helped me through alot of tough shit in my life. Thank you.