Razorblade Skizophrenia

She wiped the thick salty tears from her cheeks and let out a frustrated growl. She had to do it. They commanded her too. She could not disobey their orders. Though she hated them with so much passion, she could not turn away from them. They were her only friends in world. Focus, she told herself. Focus, focus.

She looked down at the razor in her hand. She didn’t like pain as much as they did. They loved seeing her in pain; they loved it when she cut herself. Every time they made her cut, it forced her deeper and deeper into the blood red hole that was consuming her. But she could not disobey them. They ruled her life. She had to please them or they would hurt her worse than she could hurt herself.

“Stop stalling! Hurry up! Cut your wrist again! Now! BLEED!” She cried and screamed at them to stop, but the noise in her head continued to rage.

“You insignificant whore! I said CUT!” She applied pressure to the razor that was resting on her wrist. She could feel the sharp blade pierce her skin ever so slightly. She began to breathe heavy.

“I don’t want to anymore! I want to live! Why do you ask me to do this?”

“You aren’t worth anything! You never have been worth anything. Just think how happy you would make people if you weren’t here anymore? Your parents wouldn’t be upset with you anymore. Your teachers wouldn’t have to deal with your shit anymore. Just think of the immediate relief you would bring everyone.”

“But my boyfriend. He loves me so much. It would kill him. I can’t do that to him. He doesn’t deserve it.”

“Child, he doesn’t love you. All he uses you for is sex! That’s all he wants.”

“NO!” She tried to rip the voices out of her skull, but she failed. All she could rip out was a tuft of her long black hair.

“Cut! Now!” She was so furious with the voices that she sliced a long, bloody line into her wrist. Down, down the blade dragged, leaving a fine line of violated skin. The blade was so sharp that she could not even feel the pain. Suddenly the blood began to run, and it dripped across both sides of her arm. She shuddered at the sight.

“Good stupid girl. Now lower your head and lick some of that up. Your parents will disown you if they see that blood all over their carpet.” She cried more, but did as she was told. There was so much blood that she couldn’t catch it fast enough. The white carpet took on a dark red circle with a 6-inch diameter. “Look what you did! You idiot.”

Suddenly the force of an imaginary hand threw her back. There was no one there, but she could feel the sting of being slapped.

“How…?” Again that imaginary force slapped her across her face. Her nose started to bleed. But she couldn’t cry. She wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

“Why aren’t you dead yet? Every time we try to kill you, you are too strong! You bitch!” She felt the razor being lifted from her hand. She could not do anything. She was too weak from the loss of blood.

“Aaauugggh!!!! STOP!!” She screamed furiously from the pain she felt. They had lifted the razor to her back. Slowly, painfully, the razor bit into her back and down, down they dragged the blade from her shoulder blades to her waist. Over and over. The pain was unbearable. “Why? WHY, WHY? Please.. it hurts so much..”

“Shut up! You deserve this. You didn’t die! Now you shall suffer!” They took the razor from her back and placed it above her left eye. Quickly they sliced down to her jaw line. Somehow they had missed her eye. The blade moved over to the right side of her face, just below the right temple. Again they applied pressure and slid the blade down her face, stopping just before the right side of the top of her lip. Blood began to pour into her eyes and mouth, blurring her vision, and choking her breaths.

“WHY?!! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? I just wanted to live. To be me.. Not you..” She screamed through the bloodfall cascading down her face. She could still feel streams of blood falling down her back and arms. So warm. She could hear the menacing laughter of the voices. They were chanting at her. Die, die, die, die, die. With each chant they sounded farther and farther away. She was feeling dizzy. So warm was the blood that was blanketing her. Her vision began to narrow to a distant circle. She tried to focus on the puddle of blood beneath her. She reached a hand out to touch it. But it got smaller and smaller, and farther and farther away. She tried to scratch at the carpet, but she couldn’t move. She had no energy. And she couldn’t feel any pain. It was then that she realized what they had done to her. They had succeeded. But she could not, would not, let them win! She let out a moan.

“You are still alive? My god! Are you the freaking devil? Just die, whore!” She still couldn’t speak. She had gotten a little bit of her vision back, but not much. She still couldn’t focus on anything. All she was aware of were the voices. “You are good for nothing! You have no purpose on earth! You are useless!”

She was lying on her back now, looking up at the distant ceiling. It was so far away she could barely make out the fan twirling above her. Wait, that isn’t a fan, she thought. She squinted her eyes, wincing from the pain it caused. She heard a faint voice.

“Amber, oh my god, who did this? Amber, I love you. Why? Why? Who? Amber..” She could barely hear it. But she recognized his voice.

“Jaaay-suun?” Amber couldn’t speak anymore. But she knew he was there. She felt so horrible. She could hear him mumbling something, but couldn’t make it out. All she could hear now were the voices.

“Nooooo!! He will die too! Just watch, you wait! We’ll kill him too!” She could her Jason’s sobs now. His head was on her chest, his tears soaking her blood-stained blouse. She felt death approaching her. For a brief three minutes, all seemed to come back to her. She could see Jason clearly. She could hear him, smell him, touch him. And the voices were gone.

“My only love. If we weren’t meant to be together in this world, then we will be together in the next. Forgive me God. I love you, Amber.” She watched in silent horror as he sliced the red razor blade across his neck and wrists, spilling innocent blood everywhere.

“No! Jason..” She could feel the choking grip of Death reaching for her. Amber looked into his eyes. “I love you too, Jason.” Destined to be together forever, the two exhaled their last breath in unison.

-Tiana White