relaps

hello. its been almost a year since ive been here. i noticed the date on the last post is may so maby no one is updating anymore. it dosnt really matter.
so, things went wrong this evening, worse and worse, and i let myself go down with them. I didnt bother to struggle, to remind myself of all the good things that usually keep me aflote. i just let it all go and went down into my old though patterns. the words darkness and futility seem so damn cliched arround here but honestly thats the best way to describe it.
i guess i didnt let go compleatly. i got on the phone to an old friend who can usualy talk me into a state where i can at least sleep. he compleatly let me down. he had issues of his own going on, he just wasnt into being my life ring this evening. hes got a life, cant say i blame him.
then i let go completely.
seems like ive been main-lining alcahol for the last hour, the way i havnt done in ages. im here on this site, looking for company and understanding and apathy…and pain and darkness. the only reason the rasor hasnt come out yet is cause i know what happens when they see the marks on my arms. gods, i didnt kno whow much trouble a few well-meaning people can cause….a tip for all of you with the same problem: you can cause a lot of pain and bloodfrom between your toes and no one is ever going to see the marks. it lacks glamor, i know, but honestly im not here to show off.
well, this has turned out to be a lot of pointless righting. what i intended to say is that its nice to have a pit of despair to fall back into. things go wrong, the shiny happy life looks real thin and superficial, i always know theres this to come back to.