You ever wish you could just have a little button where you
could take things back?
I mean of course you’ve felt like
that at one time but I don’t mean the little things like
dropping a vase or wahtever. I mean the big things where
you think your whole life would be different if you’d just
kept your mouth shut?
Yeah? Well I’m having one of those moments.
Last time I felt this strange was a long long time ago and
I’d almost forgotten how it feels. I’d just introduced my
mom to my boyfriend which was a barrel of laughs
considering I’m a guy too.
But this is weird in a totally different way. I told my
friends I have cancer.
It was one of those weird moments when about half of them
laugh because they think I’m joking, and the other half are
just silent. Like they don’t know what to say. Or maybe
they’re scared of talking to me.
And then a couple of them took a step away from me. And I
nearly cried, tough guy or not.
I partly want to scream at them y’know. Just let them know
I’m still who I was. They can still talk to me without
worrying. Coz they never held back before and they do now.
I hate that. I HATE that they do that. Half of me is wicked
angry, and even angrier at myself because I know I have no
right to blame them for acting that way.
The other half of me is laughing insanely. And I’m laughing
so hard I got tears in my eyes, only I can’t tell if the
tears were here before and I’m just laughing to keep them
at bay.
It’s so bizarre. You feel guilty for making people
uncomfortable. When they ask you how you are, you
say ‘fine’ because you don’t want them to back away again.
You smile more than you ever did before in yuor life, just
to make it easier for people to forget you’re broken.
It’s hard to spend all your time feeling guilty for
something you know isn’t your fault.
It makes me smile when people ask I want to sit down. Or
tell me I should eat to keep my strength up. The truth is
I’ve never felt stronger. Inside my bones I may be falling
apart but outside I’m strong. There’s going to come a time
when I get weak and tired, and until that happens I don’t
want to waste a minute sitting down. Plus, there’s little
to no chance I’m going to collapse where I stand …. so
why do they offer anyway?
The ones that aren’t running away become obsessed with
trying to help. They look at you with a mixture of sadness
and pity. I’m not depressed, I’m quite happy. But I wanna
scream “If anything is going to depress me it’s seeing
people look at me like I have ten minutes to live! Cheer up
for gods sake.”
Seriously, I don’t need that ‘pity face’ and the soft
voice, because I’m not planning on dying – not anytime
soon. I’m gonna outlive most of you. Possibly die a very
old man surrounded by people I love. After I’ve done
everything I need to do here. I can’t leave so much
unfinished – it wouldn’t be good business sense.
Anyway I suppose I’m done ranting. It’s good to get it all
out sometimes coz you know …. I don’t wanna yell at the
people close to me. They try after all.
Anyway, If you read this far then I’m proud of you, you
have stamina.