I awoke. I did not even know, however, if I had slept. If I had ever slept… Sincerely, I did not care about this world any longer. I had started to isolate myself from it and had become a total hermit, a recluse. I even stopped to consider myself human. Why ? Because, to me, being human became degrading.
I had cared about my life one day. However, I had lost the thing that kept me human. That kept me alive.
I awoke. Or did I ? I think so, altough I wished I didn’t. I wished I wouldn’t. I wished I would never wake up again, in my cold bed, in my dim lit room, to look around and see…nothing. Nothing except death, suffering and pain everywhere. Nothing good and beautiful. This world was drained of its innocence, and that was long time ago.
A few years ago, I could still see beauty in this world. Now, however, as a relative of mine put it, I now “cannot see anything good in life or anything bad in death”. Often did I consider suicide, but every time I stopped. I don’t really know why. Maybe because, once in a while, I would dream of her. In my dreams, I could see her as clearly as in life : beautiful as a rose and fragile as a dandellion, with long, dark hair and blue eyes. Who is “she” did you ask ? She was a person who was born in the wrong place, the place being this foul and cruel world. She was the only person I could ever, truly, possibly love.
God, did I love her ! And now, she is gone. It is too painful to remind myself of her. It is simply…too hard. It so hard because when I think of her, I think of the way I lost her. However, I guess her memory is the only thing I still have. And I cherish that memory.
I cannot stop myself of thinking about the way it happened. It was, in my opinion, the most horrible death for a being as sweet as her. The only pure and innocent person I knew was her, and she died from the “impurities” that I sought to protect myself from, and her as well. And it all happened right in front of me. I could not do anything.
No. I cannot bear thinking of her death any longer…I do not think I have the power…I am weak…
To me, humanity is degrading. I am human, but it is not from my will that I am thus, nor is it from my will that I live in this world. If God truly exists, I think He made us, humans, in a hurry. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have so many defects and faults. In His place, I would have tried to make this world a better one. A more PERFECT one. Still, “perfect” is a word I rarely use because it’s meaning is too good to be true. “Perfect” never applies to anything. I learned that the hard way.
Fine. I will tell you how she died. But I will say only this once.
I went out with her to a restaurant. After I ordered, we ate. After we ate, I paid the bill. Then, I went to the bathroom and told my love to wait for me outside the restaurant. Long time I blamed myself for this, considering it all my fault. I exited the restaurant. She was gone. She was missing. At first, I started looking for her. I did not find her. I thought she was still in the restaurant, so I checked there as well. She was not there, either. “Where could she be ?” I asked myself. I started asking people if they saw a dark-haired blue-eyed woman. Their answer was no other than : “No.” I could not understand what had happened to her. And then, I thought that maybe…
You know what I thought. And what I thought was what actually happened, for on the other side of the street I saw her. And she was not alone, but with a man dressed in a dark jacket, wearing sunglasses. He was obviously forcing her to follow him, so I tried to cross the street to the other side. However, I was hit by a car. I was hurt, but I did not care for my pain as much as I cared to save my beloved.
I took me about 2 minutes to recover. “Are you ok ?” the driver asked me. I did not give an answer to his question, and continued my quest to rescue my love. As I got to the other side of the street, I started walking on a back alley, on which I saw that man go with my fiancee. Yes, she was my fiancee, and we were going to get married soon, had not cruel fate destroyed my hopes and dreams.
As I walked, I heard her screams. I turned and tried to hear where they were coming from. And then, I saw that man. He was raping her. He had torn off her clothes and was raping her, the damn bastard !
There was nobody else near. I knew what I had to do. I rushed towards that imbecile, intent on putting him in his grave. I ran as fast as I could. But I didn’t run fast enough.
He saw me. He took out his gun and at first aimed it at me. My beloved started screaming, however, and the bastard, then, shot her in the head and ran away. He did not shoot me as well, though I wish he had. I wish I died as well. Anyway, since that day, I have not been living anymore. I have been dead. Mentally and spiritually, at least.
The police never caught that imbecile. I dare not insult him worser, for I would have to use a more vulgar vocabulary.
Right now, I am awake. I am breathing. I am living.
You can say that my life, right now, is pointless. That is, as long as I still have a life. That day, my soul was broken. That singular and decisive day. My feelings were shattered like glass when hit with a brick.
She, my one and only love, is dead.
I do not really belive in God, but if he exists, I hope he has taken my beloved into heaven. Do you belive in God ? Do you ? Does he exist ? I will take a risk. I will kill myself. And if he exists, I will join my dearest in heaven. If he does not exist, I will be lost into oblivion.
I have taken a knife in my right hand. But what if God does not exist ? Is it worth killing myself ? If I die and God does not exist, I will be lost into oblivion. The question is : is oblivion better than my present life ? I think so.
If I kill myself, I win. If God exists, I go to heaven. If he doesn’t, I simply die and become dust. Either outcome, it is better than the life I’m leading now, right ?
In that case, dear Reader, farewell. I have existed in this world briefly and hope that, by reading this, you will try to avoid what happened to me. This is the least I can do : make sure that what happened to me doesn’t happen to anyone else. In that case, I have accomplished my objective. Goodbye. I have now mustered the courage to finnaly kill myself. And, once again, goodbye !
(The above narrative is completely fictional and should not be taken seriously. If you liked this, you can be sure to hear from me again.)