Sleeping in Lonliness

As I fall asleep knowing that I will never feel the comfort of your arms again, I hope to dream of better times, the good times, the times where I could count on you to be always be there to wrap your arms around me while I slept.

Instead I dreamt that you were there again, yet crying about how much I hurt you. I still love you, I say but you were getting to close to me. Getting to close to knowing who I am and knowing too much about my past. I can not let you in all the way, I murmured in my dreamy state.

“Please hurt me,” I whispered as I rolled onto my side, hurt me to make me feel better and to know the happiness I felt with you was just something, something that I couldn’t depend on, something that was false that I shouldn’t feel even for a moment was really you.

And you did, you silently kissed my entire face as I could feel you just gently brush against my lips, I could feel your tears fall warm onto my face and you kissing my wrists. The thing that had always been a sign of life or death to me, the thin surface of skin that could mean my demise.

But then I felt the rougher touch of something cold against them followed by the warm rush of blood. I knew instinctively that you were hurting me, you were taking my life to hurt me, only you couldn’t understand that this is all I ever wanted, just never had the strength to do myself. As I drifted farther into my dreamy state it occured to me that I felt your arms comforting me until I died, felt the warmth of your touch run through my body.

And then, I woke up. You were made up, only in my dreams maybe you had never really existed except in my own world. The world I created through the need of something more. But still feeling the warmth of blood around my wrists I looked down. And it was there, the cut run deep enough to kill, administered from the knife I always kept underneath my pillow as I slept, a comfort to me that I did have control over my life. I felt I had been crying as the dried tear trails were still down my cheeks.

As I slowly drifted back to sleep comforted by the thought of dieing I saw you again. This time you were smiling and encouraging my oncoming death. Now I will always be with you in my dead yet dreamy state.

~*~ If people can walk and talk and do what their subconcious wills them to do in their sleep, then why can’t they commit suicide as well ~*~