If I didnt hate them before, I do now. Last night, I had the same dream Ive been having for a while. A few years anyway.
Im standing on a mountain somewhere, stripped to the waist, while the snow and wind whip around me. Im not shivering, it doesnt even seem like I can feel the horrid weather around me.
Thats not what gets to me, though. What does is the voices. One by one they begin as barely audible whispers, carried on the wind, and as they speak to me, they grow louder. They accuse me, listing the sins Ive commited against them. I cant say anything in return, because I know they speak the truth. As they ravage my ears, one at a time, the faces that belong with them fade into my vision, barely visible at first, then becoming clearer. I can see clearly on their faces shock, and hurt at first, which quickly changes to scorn, and outrage, and overwhelming hatred. Hatred for me, for what Ive done to them, whether intentional or not. The hurt and the pain are so dominant in their eyes, that I have to turn my head, and refuse to look at them any longer. Each face fades, and a new one replaces it, showing me the same emotions. At first its love, whether it be as a friend, or a lover. Abruptly, the love is shattered, replaced by pain so fierce I can feel it too. The voice that belongs to each face calls out my sin, what Ive done to them, in greater detail than I could imagine. Eventually, they fade, leaving me alone, to face the knowledge that its my responsibility, whether I knew it then or not.
What seems like forever passes, and I wake, sometimes bolting upright in bed, cold sweat beaded on my bare flesh, and sometimes I open my eyes slowly. Either way, each night, as dawn approaches, I walk to the back door, and stand on the porch. Sometimes I see the moon, and it accuses me as well, as if I sinned against it too. I smoke, and try so hard to collect my thoughts, but most of them slip through the cracks in my mind like sand through my fingers.
Most times, I stand there until dawn, and the sun greets me, and a new day begins. The memories of the night before linger, like spiderwebs dangling in the corners of my brain.
I never meant to hurt anyone. Its not like I planned to tear thier hearts out. Each time, I was sure that I wouldnt, that I could leave their lives the same way I came. I never knew anyone would notice if I was gone. If I could, I would take it all back, go back to the point I entered their lives, and make it never have happened. But, I cant.
I didnt mean to. Did I say that? Yes, I did. It doesnt make a difference, does it? No, it doesnt. I cant blame anyone but myself. Anymore than I would know how to be rid of the emptiness, the coldness within that makes it so easy, so much better, for me to shut myself away, and not let anyone see what I feel. A heart of stone? No, not so immovable. I feel too. Dont you think I feel? I can feel what I did to everyone around me. Thier hurt wieghs me down. I dont want to feel it anymore. I never show it to anyone, but I feel it, and its ripping me apart. Id give anything to make it not be the way it is. Take the pain away.